Friday, December 5, 2014

I hate my brain

I wish my brain worked.

What would it be like to have a functioning brain.

Last night I had put together a friend outing to Buffalo Wild Wings.   We gathered  talked.  Had fun catching up.

But after we’d ordered food.  I got nervous.  Decided I was gonna step away from the table for a bit.  

Ended up walking out of the restaurant. Being anxious around the corner for a while.  Thinking I’d go back in.  But I didn’t.  I couldn’t get myself to go back in.  So I texted a friend that I’d pay him back for the food, and left.  I had friends text me.  I deflected their attempts to help me. 

Now I was mad at myself for leaving an event I planned and had looked forward to all weak.   I yelled, hit myself, and had small flashes of desire to wreck my car.

I finally got a little less insane, and was embarrassed that I’d just left the group.  Sat in my car, trying to get comfortable enough to go back in, then I figured it was too long anyway.  Found a Cool diner called the One Man Band to eat at.  You order your food via phone from your table.   Then I went home.

I hate myself,  I hate the way my brain works.   I hate being broken.

Monday, November 3, 2014

This couple's Voices of Hope Video gives me hope

Ethan and Allison.  Wonderful People.  They Give me hope, not that i'll get married for sure, but because of the joy they have in living the gospel.

I love them.

They are a great couple.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Topic De Jour

So i want to post my feelings about the supreme court's decision no to review the gay marriage cases in several states, effectively legalizing same sex marriage in those states including Utah, where I live.

This is hard for me, dang hard. I know a lot of my friends are happy with it, and I don't fault them for that. I get why they are excited.

But it hurts me. When i read the news it came in like a wrecking ball outta no where. Court decisions by their very nature are combative, with a winner and loser, they rarely have a compromise, like good legislation, also they often come suddenly. I didn't have time to brace myself for the result.

There are several reasons this pains me, first I hate being at odds with my friends. I dont' like conflict. They are happy, and there is an assumption by some of them that i am also celebrating.

I am not happy with the decision because my belief in the church, and that the Lord doesn't want this, i'm not going to drop that on my friends. I hate trying to use testimony as a trump card in debates. But that doesnt' invalidate that is the reason i am not happy. I don't think Gay marriage is the best for me, or society.

Then again on some level i want it deeply. and suddenly the conflict between my testimony and orientation is publically played out with this decision. Part of me wants to badly to find a spouse.
And finally people who agree with me on gay marriage can be freaking hateful, misinformed and unkind. Suddenly people i love and care about who are opposed to gay marriage will make wonderful comments about how the gays are destroying teh world, or how we are all the most vile sinners. Or how much they hate the f--s. It sucks. People can be so mean. so bigoted. and unChristlike.

I've tried to be open here, i wanted to express why this is hard for me. Not to start a debate. I still respect and love my friends who disagree with me on this, and i'm trying to still respect my friends who think all homosexuals are going to hell.
It's a hard day. I want to just stay in bed, or eat 20 boxes of twinkies covered in nacho cheese sauce, or go deep into a mine. BUt instead i'm at work, at the BYU, and i'm sure the comments will be flying today.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

For Mama

I had a wonderful gift but each time I used it mom got closer to death. Almost killed her before we figured it out. She just lay there in bed all day. Weeping over the pain I brought her. I was mad at first. How could something that brought me so much joy hurt someone I loved. But in the end I love mama so I checked me into the asylum to get rid of the power. We tried many things. But the most humane was shock therapy. Whenever I would use the power I'd voluntarily go in for the shock. They hurt like hell; but I needed to save mama. Now i live in my room. Alone. Being around others makes me want to use the power. I'm pretty good now. I think of the power all the time. But I don't use it. Except sometimes. at night. I can't help myself.
I get lonely; I use it. Then I think of poor mama. And how it must hurt her. So I hurt myself. So I will know not to do it anymore. I write on the wall with my blood "I will not use my power. I love my mama". Over and over In the morning the doctor comes. He is pleased with my efforts. He promised me that I can stop using the power. And mama will be happy. Mom doesn't come see me often because it is too painful for her. But I understand. I love mama. I don't want to hurt her anymore. .

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Written when eating at outback alone

A deacon.  A ten year old.   An eight year old. A five year old. A three year old and a new born.

That's what my family would be like if I followed the path of my father.  The path I thought I would and that I wanted.

Instead I have a dancer, a weightlifter and a Star Wars fanatic as roommates.  I have friends who would let willing to do anything fun at a moments notice and I have close friend I can talk about my struggles with.

I want the children.  Children are a soft spot for me.  So much growth. So much potential.  The ability to create their own world and change ours.

But a wife.  I do not desire that.   One friend recommended a husband.   I do not feel that is what I am called to.

So I'm single.  Alone wanting.  Wasting the years of fatherhood.  Maybe someday I will want a wife.  Maybe someday I will find a way to get that family. But for now I'm alone. In a world full of pleasurable distraction but void of eternal connection.

Dammit.  Why am I gay.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


I feel the depression cocoon forming round me.   It saps my strength.  It takes my will.  It blocks joy.

Loves of my life barely bring  a smile.

The smallest task seems a deep chasm to cross.

I do not like who I am when the cocoon grabs me.  Sullen.  Comatose. Lackluster.

As it grows I near the world of the dead.  I fear it is my destiny.   I fear I will lose the self that I love.

Let me sleep but let  that sleep lead to strength not more pain.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Spent saturday at the northstar conference for gay mormons

or mormons with ssa, whatever you wanna call it.

Now days it almost seems like the difference between Mormon and latter-day saint.

anyway. It was really good. The feeling of community was great. Being around people who understand you, who also share similar experiences and goals was great.

Tom Christofferson, D.Todd"s bro, was there on a panel. He's in a same sex relationship, but has been going to church. His bishop was on the same panel and talked about how they welcomed him, made him feel comfortable. and did all they could within the framework of the gospel to include him, and his partner. I do not intend to have a partner, but it was neat to see them take Tom where he is at, and try to minister to him, help him become more like Christ, instead of rejecting him.

Follow that up with sunday. I have a meeting with a counselor in the bishopric. The topic turns to the conference, and he's like "well did they have classes about dating", "did they help you want to date more" "well then what did you learn' his whole thing was that it needs to help gay mormons learn how to date girls.... Does the think i don't' know the steps of dating. I've pretended to be a normal straight mormon for years. I can go through the steps. I just don't have any interest in it.

I told him the church's own materials say that marriage should not be used at a therapeutic step for same sex attraction, and all he said was "well ty mansfield got married" The idea that the only support and help members of the church with ssa need is to learn how to date women better was really annoying. such contrast to how the weekend had been.

anyway, that's my report. i loved the conference. Before we minister to peopel we need to be their friends, adn before we are their friends we ourselves need to have a solid connection with God.