It is finished

Five mountains climbed high in the bright stunning sky, as challenges to master and win,

First climb was euphoric, my body at the core it, was pumped and ready to run

second one not as easy, stomach a little queasy, what will happen, what monsters await

third one started smoothly, but fear made me woozy, was afraid twas a horrid mistake

Fourth one, was spontaneous, the climb extemporaneous, the fears slightly simmered but low

the firth was the scariest, the monsters the hairiest, the challenge i could not forgo.

quick prayer said to God, then out my foots trod, to face the shadow below

but the shadow was gone, when the summit i reached. instead i found loveness and clear

purpose in living in new meadows giving me comfort from darkness and fear

the shadow is gone now. And i hope that i know how to keep him at bay ever more

The worst of the climb was not crevice or vine, but the scared voice that said, "don't you go"

----
anyway, just got done telling my siblings. went well. really well. glad i did it, and glad i don't ever have to do that again

A few connected posts on family stuff

Written a few days ago

I'm losing my connection to my family

my parents and i have some strong disagreements on how i'm dealing with my sga.

The points aren't too important. i'm still committed to the gospel, i just want support groups and activities.

My parents don't want me to tell anyone, even my siblings. Mom things it "tear the family apart"  She called me after i sent her a copy of my last post.  not good. 

anyway. It kinda sucks. I still tell my parents i love them, but it seems like we are all dancing around this issue. I am not going back to the closet where i'm ruled by shame and hate. I've told many friends, and gotten good support. I still want to tell my siblings, but i'm not sure if i should respect the parents wishes.

Heck maybe they'll all despise their yewt brother. maybe the parents are right

Written last night

Well I told my parents that I felt that I really needed to tell my siblings. I laid out the reasons; like that I needed to real to tell the people most important to me what my problems were and why I wasn't getting married.

It went okay they still talked to great deal about the temple--which I agree with. I need to go to the temple. But I think that other things i needs to do as well to help me deal with this. And i still only got 20% of the talking in when i initiated the conversation.

Mom said how she had felt really negative when she read my letter. Dad told her she needs to be sure that her feelings were from God and not from herself. I was nice to have him stand up for me. That was the best part of it all.

In the end mom told me to not do anything too hasty. And I didn't agree to a long long drawn out fasting and prayer but I did agree to get a confirmation in the temple so that's what to do next week as soon as i get my recommend back and I feel good about that.

So once i get the confirmation or lack of a 'NO" i'll go forward with it.

Written now

Well, I'm  still a little frustrated, but we're on track.  Dad supported me.  Just gotta move forward.

But life is so hard sometimes.  I hope i can get over this shame inside of me, cause it really hurts. 

Dear 20 Year old me

Dear 20 year old me

I’m sorry man, but this has to stop.

I know you’re still inside me.  I feel your  fear whenever I try to deal with my ssa.  I know this isn’t what you thought life was going to be.  We promised to take this secret to our graves.  That no one would know, not now not ever. 

And I’ve broken that promise.  I’m sorry, but it was painful.  Keeping this all bottled up.  It’s been almost 4 years since I told my first friend, except for bishops or counselors.  It was hard but worth it.

I don’t want to have to fight you.  I realize my opinions have changed.  But I need you to get on board with this. Bet on board with the idea that it’s ok to talk to people about this, that it’s ok to seek help.  That it’s ok to have friends.

Look I know there are things to be careful about.  And concerns are good, but the path of isolation isn’t what God wants.  And isn’t that what led us to make that promise.  We thought God would cure us, save us, take this ugly thing away from us.

But he hasn’t, he might not ever take it away while we’re alive.

And so that means we need to find out how he wants us to deal with it, and…sorry buddy, but he doesn’t want us to be alone.  There are so many other people who have gone through what we are.  Why wouldn’t he want us to get strength from them.

So buddy, I know this is hard, but her are a few new promises I make to you.

God lives.  He loves us. 

We’re gonna stay in His Church, cause it is true.  Don’t worry buddy we’re not leaving it.

We’re gonna keep the law of chastity.

We’re gonna stay close to our family

We’re gonna get strength from friends, who deal with this and who may not.

And after all, isn’t that the important stuff.  We’ve changed a lot, we can’t hate gay people bro.  I don’t, and well, the part of you who does, has got to stay in the past.  It wasn’t a good part.   And you certainly can’t hate me.  K

This is a journey, and with all journeys there is some uncertainty.  I don’t know exactly how we’ll deal with this, but we’ll keep our promises.  Cause God loves us.  And those are the important ones.

Sincerly, 

Present Me

PS, We probably need to tell our family, but present me isn’t there yet.  We’ll let future us take care of that one.

PSS love ya bud.

Cya

I'll miss the mountain man.  Firends for 18 months, then good friends for 3.  he was kind to me.  Invited me to stuff, and didn't treat me as unmanly.  And when i gold him about sga he was chill with it.  good luck man.  Peace. 

Thanks God

That fireside rocked.   Can't overcome addiction with fear, just with love.  to take away the pain.

good sga council too

i'm so bless,  had Red come over.  a good hug.  good talk.  really helped  me come down off the fear and anxiety, and this fireside just continued that.

Who am I

this bloated wasted shell of man in agony.
twisted and contorted in teh way i see

this world so full of beauty now, but the beauty i sees forbidden wow

who am i

why must i fight and hate this other half of me
i don't do drugs or jack off now , i don't do porn or make out how

can i be, happily in this church i know is true,

when half of me sings praises to you the other half despises you, for keeping me away from love, you are the God above.

but it hurts, i hate myself the schism can't go on.

what can i do...to fill myself with love

Love this scripture!!

Isaiah 56:

“And let not the eunuch say, I am but a barren tree. For thus says the Lord: As for the eunuchs who keep my Sabbaths and choose to do what I will–holding fast to my covenant–to them will I give a handclasp and a name within the walls of my house that is better than sons and daughters; I will endow them with an everlasting name that shall not be cut off.”
 

Found it on Ty Mansfields new  post

http://northstarlds.org/blog/2013/01/reprise-things-which-are-not-felt-which-are-true/