Monday, November 3, 2014

This couple's Voices of Hope Video gives me hope

Ethan and Allison.  Wonderful People.  They Give me hope, not that i'll get married for sure, but because of the joy they have in living the gospel.

I love them.

They are a great couple.

Monday, October 6, 2014

Topic De Jour

So i want to post my feelings about the supreme court's decision no to review the gay marriage cases in several states, effectively legalizing same sex marriage in those states including Utah, where I live.

This is hard for me, dang hard. I know a lot of my friends are happy with it, and I don't fault them for that. I get why they are excited.

But it hurts me. When i read the news it came in like a wrecking ball outta no where. Court decisions by their very nature are combative, with a winner and loser, they rarely have a compromise, like good legislation, also they often come suddenly. I didn't have time to brace myself for the result.

There are several reasons this pains me, first I hate being at odds with my friends. I dont' like conflict. They are happy, and there is an assumption by some of them that i am also celebrating.

I am not happy with the decision because my belief in the church, and that the Lord doesn't want this, i'm not going to drop that on my friends. I hate trying to use testimony as a trump card in debates. But that doesnt' invalidate that is the reason i am not happy. I don't think Gay marriage is the best for me, or society.

Then again on some level i want it deeply. and suddenly the conflict between my testimony and orientation is publically played out with this decision. Part of me wants to badly to find a spouse.
And finally people who agree with me on gay marriage can be freaking hateful, misinformed and unkind. Suddenly people i love and care about who are opposed to gay marriage will make wonderful comments about how the gays are destroying teh world, or how we are all the most vile sinners. Or how much they hate the f--s. It sucks. People can be so mean. so bigoted. and unChristlike.

I've tried to be open here, i wanted to express why this is hard for me. Not to start a debate. I still respect and love my friends who disagree with me on this, and i'm trying to still respect my friends who think all homosexuals are going to hell.
It's a hard day. I want to just stay in bed, or eat 20 boxes of twinkies covered in nacho cheese sauce, or go deep into a mine. BUt instead i'm at work, at the BYU, and i'm sure the comments will be flying today.

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

For Mama

I had a wonderful gift but each time I used it mom got closer to death. Almost killed her before we figured it out. She just lay there in bed all day. Weeping over the pain I brought her. I was mad at first. How could something that brought me so much joy hurt someone I loved. But in the end I love mama so I checked me into the asylum to get rid of the power. We tried many things. But the most humane was shock therapy. Whenever I would use the power I'd voluntarily go in for the shock. They hurt like hell; but I needed to save mama. Now i live in my room. Alone. Being around others makes me want to use the power. I'm pretty good now. I think of the power all the time. But I don't use it. Except sometimes. at night. I can't help myself.
I get lonely; I use it. Then I think of poor mama. And how it must hurt her. So I hurt myself. So I will know not to do it anymore. I write on the wall with my blood "I will not use my power. I love my mama". Over and over In the morning the doctor comes. He is pleased with my efforts. He promised me that I can stop using the power. And mama will be happy. Mom doesn't come see me often because it is too painful for her. But I understand. I love mama. I don't want to hurt her anymore. .

Saturday, August 30, 2014

Written when eating at outback alone

A deacon.  A ten year old.   An eight year old. A five year old. A three year old and a new born.

That's what my family would be like if I followed the path of my father.  The path I thought I would and that I wanted.

Instead I have a dancer, a weightlifter and a Star Wars fanatic as roommates.  I have friends who would let willing to do anything fun at a moments notice and I have close friend I can talk about my struggles with.

I want the children.  Children are a soft spot for me.  So much growth. So much potential.  The ability to create their own world and change ours.

But a wife.  I do not desire that.   One friend recommended a husband.   I do not feel that is what I am called to.

So I'm single.  Alone wanting.  Wasting the years of fatherhood.  Maybe someday I will want a wife.  Maybe someday I will find a way to get that family. But for now I'm alone. In a world full of pleasurable distraction but void of eternal connection.

Dammit.  Why am I gay.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014


I feel the depression cocoon forming round me.   It saps my strength.  It takes my will.  It blocks joy.

Loves of my life barely bring  a smile.

The smallest task seems a deep chasm to cross.

I do not like who I am when the cocoon grabs me.  Sullen.  Comatose. Lackluster.

As it grows I near the world of the dead.  I fear it is my destiny.   I fear I will lose the self that I love.

Let me sleep but let  that sleep lead to strength not more pain.

Monday, June 2, 2014

Spent saturday at the northstar conference for gay mormons

or mormons with ssa, whatever you wanna call it.

Now days it almost seems like the difference between Mormon and latter-day saint.

anyway. It was really good. The feeling of community was great. Being around people who understand you, who also share similar experiences and goals was great.

Tom Christofferson, D.Todd"s bro, was there on a panel. He's in a same sex relationship, but has been going to church. His bishop was on the same panel and talked about how they welcomed him, made him feel comfortable. and did all they could within the framework of the gospel to include him, and his partner. I do not intend to have a partner, but it was neat to see them take Tom where he is at, and try to minister to him, help him become more like Christ, instead of rejecting him.

Follow that up with sunday. I have a meeting with a counselor in the bishopric. The topic turns to the conference, and he's like "well did they have classes about dating", "did they help you want to date more" "well then what did you learn' his whole thing was that it needs to help gay mormons learn how to date girls.... Does the think i don't' know the steps of dating. I've pretended to be a normal straight mormon for years. I can go through the steps. I just don't have any interest in it.

I told him the church's own materials say that marriage should not be used at a therapeutic step for same sex attraction, and all he said was "well ty mansfield got married" The idea that the only support and help members of the church with ssa need is to learn how to date women better was really annoying. such contrast to how the weekend had been.

anyway, that's my report. i loved the conference. Before we minister to peopel we need to be their friends, adn before we are their friends we ourselves need to have a solid connection with God.

Friday, May 23, 2014

X men review and thoughts.

I really liked this movie last night.   Having Patrick Stewart and Ian McKlellan in the movie was great.  They are the Xmen to me.  The story was cool, and it was FULL of small details that fans of the series will love.  I love the moral questions in Xmen, I love the cinematography.  Some really cool scenes, including the one with quicksilver in the kitchen.  and breaking glass was used a few times, to great effect.

It was interesting to see Xavier and Beast, who are good people, just hiding out.  not using their powers for good.  Just wallowing in their own pain.  Beast was an enabler of Xaviers wallowing in sorry.  he may be willing to do good, but is a follower, not a leader in any respect.  Lost respect for his character, but then again he is a politician.

Magneto as always will do anything that he sees as needful, and while his motivation may be a better world for mutants, his actions are often horrific. 

The sentinels are pretty cool.  the deaths of mutants in the future are powerful, and while graphic, not celebrated, but full of sorrow.

Logically i felt things made sense, within the rules of the universe, and

final scene spoiler, don't read this


the final scene with logan at the school for gifted youngsters was really powerful.  i don't know how the got all the characters back for rouge, jean grey, beast and cyclops.  I don't know why it was such a good pay off for me, but it was.  to see these awesome characters back, who i thought were lost was really cool. and to see how touched logan was by it was cool.  and it was fun to see cyclops be the pretty boy jerk he is, and see wolverine have so much more control over his temper than he used to.   IN fact seeing the growth of Logan has been pretty cool.  Seeing the implicit trust he and Xavier have in each other.  when back in the original trilogy he was a loner, an outsider, someone who didn't need anyone.

i'm not a huge fan of swearing, but for some reason, the "f" word in this, as well as in First class, was delivered to great comedic effect.  Yeah, i'm a bad person, but it seemed to fit well. 

oh yeah.  some nudity of hugh jackman from the rear.  that, along with the single F word, and the graphic deaths of mutants in the future are the things i think you need to consider if you are wondering about taking small children. obviously everyone has their own levels of what they are comfortable/desensitized too.  but aside from those the movie was content wise like the new spider man.

oh yeah. there is mystic, who is a naked women with blue body paint covering vital organs....i almost forgot i guess because she had no power over me, but she could affect some of you non-mutants.


What i really love about Xmen is the gay anology.   And the brotherhood all mutants feel even though many go about it in different ways.

Professor X and Magneto are sometimes enemies, but always connected.  They want the best for the mutant race.  They have strong disagreements, but in the end, they are brothers.

One thing i've felt for a while, and felt strongly last night, was how connected we really are as dudes, who like dude or chicks for chicks.  We have disagreements on how to deal with it.  But we all know what it's like to be different, to come out to ourselves.  to realize the future we were raised to hope fore, is probably not ours.   To fear rejection by our parents, God, Friends, and even ourselves.  And to finally find a community with people like us.  People who  don't care that we like dudes, cause they do too.  To have some old friends leave us, to have some old friends be our support.  

and we do have some differences for sure.  And i'm not gonna say one side is Professor X and teh other Magneto, cause it doesn't matter.  What i want for myself and our family of gays, is healthier lives, less self hate, less suicide, and more love, from ourselves adn the world. 

I recently saw a video documenting the problem homeless gay youth face in Los Angeles

Seriously those kids need love and support, and help out of that hellish situation.  Celibacy may be my path, but i think everyone would agree that a stable same sex relationship is much better than a street life of drugs, prostitution and rape.  And the very idea that it's just the wages of sin is ridiculous.

I just think of all the seperation i sometimes feel between teh different communities.  And i understand why.  there is certainly pain in choosing our path in the gay world.  But I for one am going to work on helping people where they are.  Helping them find healthy ways to live in their chosen path.  And recognizing the greatness inherent in all of us.  No matter what moniker or creed or group we choose.

Lets be united, in what we can be.  And let our differences shape our personal lives, but not pull us apart.

As Magneto lay dieing, in the future, his last words he spoke to Professor X, first his friend, then his enemy, and at the end, his brother, he lamented.   "All those years wasted fighting each other, Charles."