Wednesday, January 13, 2010

There is a God, and His name is Wonderful

Well, it appears that God does care about me. For the last few days I’ve been having this feeling that I need to tell my friend Dan about my struggles. Dan is probably my best friend I’ve made since high school. I met him a couple years ago in my ward and we served in FHE, now we work together in activities. Dan really wanted me to move in with him last semester, but I didn’t mostly because I was afraid of my attraction for him.

Anyways the last few days have been really rough for me. I posted about my dream, and the anxiety and self-hatred has been at its highest level in months. Work has been torture. Basically everything has been sucking.

Dan has made me his project—in a good way. He is always encouraging me in my dating, and we have a ton of fun together. When came back from being in Mexico for four months, he saw that I had gained a lot of weight, and kept working on me ‘til I accepted to play racquetball with him each week. Really Dan has been a great friend. The thing I value most about Dan is how he pushes me to become more than I am. He doesn’t shy away from telling me I really don’t need that second donut, or that its been a while since I’ve gone to the temple.

So today I sent Dan a chat message, asking if he would give me a blessing. I figured I needed the help for all the depression and anxiety I’ve been going through. Plus I’ve been feeling week in the gospel. He replied, “Sure, but lets go to the temple first.” So we went to the Provo temple and had a good time doing initiatories. I was already feeling a little better. Then we went back to his place. He asked what the deal was and I first mentioned my anxiety and depression, and how tough it had been. We talked about that. Then it took forever, but I finally told him about my same gender attraction, and how it tied into it all.

To Dan’s credit, he didn’t wince, or act shocked at all. He told me about his dating relationships class, where they listed all their relationships and had to choose one to work on this semester. The one he chose was me. God was preparing both of us for this. He had already set some goals of going to the temple once a week together, working out during the week, and going on one double date a month. I agreed to all these. So much pressure had been released. God had a hand in this on both sides. He asked if the way we always talked about girls made it tough. I told him I liked it, and needed help figuring out women. Then he gave me the blessing.

I haven’t made a friend like Dan in the last ten years. But God prepared a friend for me, now in one of the hardest times of my life. God really does bless us, and watch over us. I don’t know why I’ve fought this for ten years, and how much longer I’ll have to, but God’s hand is in it, and I thank him for it.

I’m grateful for a God who knows every aspect of my life. I’m thankful for a God who sends people into my introverted life to help me. And I’m thankful for a friend who, instead of being permissive, sees my potential as God’s son and encourages me to reach for it.

PS I know I have yet to blog on how my talk went with my parents. Its coming. I think.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

I want to live!

I should have written this up this morning right after it happened, but I'm lazy, now I've forgotten some of the dream, But I think i remember enough.

As a preface to the dream, last night I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. I was in my car heading to ward FHE, and the circular negative thoughts started to intensify. It was like a teatherball kept passing through my head, each hit was thoughts of, "you fag" or other negative things. I started to shake and convulse as thoughts of me having sex with some of my good straight friends pounded into my head. I couldn't stop them, so I writhed in my reclined car seat for a while.

I finally made it into fhe at the church, but went to straight to an empty room, set up some chairs and laid there with the lights off. Once I got settled down I went and played dodgeball. Best part of the last 24 hours.

I'm sure the break down had an effect on this dream. I remember in the dream hating my homosexual feelings. Walking around trying to figure out what to do. Lots of people told me to give in, that I would never be happy if I didn't and I would end up killing myself. I didn't want to ,but they persisted.
So then I went to people who would encourage me not to give in, my family and freinds. I mentioned the idea of suicide and they seemed to think it was a good idea, that if I killed myself I would be free of the pain. Religious leaders even said I would be free of the same gender attraction after I left this life.
Eventually I found myself on the edge of a large bottomless pit. It was black, but had a swirling vortex in it. I saw things sucked into it, into oblivion. I was seriously contemplated ending it all, and jumping into the pit. I knew if I did things would be better. I was afraid of what God would think, I asked Him. He said i could do it that everything would be ok if I did.

There I was on the edge of the vortex, everyone in the world, and the world beyond said I should do it. then I thought of my life. I thought of the joy I have with my family. I thought of the family I believe awaits me in this life. I thought of the potential I have to acheive all my other goals. The joy in life, that we forget about when we are in the midst of trials. I yelled to the throngs around the pit who waited to see what I would do, "I want to live" and walked away.

More happened in the dream, but I don't remember it clearly. I think i went to all my friends and family and told them why I wanted to live

I WANT TO BE CLEAR. I don't think this was a vison, I think it was just my mind trying to figure out what it wants. But I've decided, even with the crappiness of depression, anxiety and loneliness. I want to live! and I will.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Note from dad. Sexual attraction is not the most important past of a marriage. Love and service is.