Saturday, June 12, 2010

To the Girl Who Likes me

Hi, wow, this is awkward. But hey, just want to get my thoughts and feelings out there. So it turns out I'm not blind, or daft. But I do recognize your flirtations, your advances, and yes I do get your not so subtle hints sent through our common friends. You like me.

You like me not in the "lets watch a movie, get some grub, and dance to the jukebox" way, no its the, "I think I could see us having a intimate relationship, falling in love, getting married and have 13 kids way."

And to be honest. You have all the important things I want in a wife. You have a strong testimony, you even work at the temple once a week. You have a passion for life. No mindless TV for you on a Saturday night. You have freckles, but not to many. Its like miniature unicorn kitten hybrids danced on your face when you were born. Well that's weird, but you like my weirdness. And that's cool.

In face for an old fart like me to be blessed with someone like you to even give me the time of day, is pretty amazing, some may say miraculous. I feel for you. I hate that you are in pain becuase of your long time single. I hate the guy who broke up with you last April, for hurting you.

So last December after we went on our only date, I decided on a goal. I decided to make you one of my best friends. You see, that's really the only way a relationship can work for me. Its got to start internally and then become physical. You see, for the longest time I've only been sexually attracted to other men. And that is still the case, But in God's grace, I have developed limited female attraction. Enough that a deep part of me hopes things could work out. That we could have a life together. We could have kids, a house, a dog, family night, vacations, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. All the riches of the world, or the ones we both want.

They are all in my grasp. If I just pursue it.

But when I get to this point, the thoughts come. Dark, depressing, suffocating thoughts.

Don't you deserve a man, a real, whole man who can satisfy you carnally?

Won't it hurt you when you find out the only man who would commit to you is gay?

What would you think, if I revealed everything to you?

Could we really make it work? Down through the ages?

Am I strong enough to keep my vows?

These thoughts and many others careen around my head like pinballs.

Really I do care about you. I want you to be happy. I know many of those thoughts come from fear, depression, others who may or may not have my best interests at heart, but they are what keeps me from reciprocating your advances. What keeps my from moving to the next step.

I need to take the leap. You can make your own informed decision, for while I have some flaws, there must be things you see in me that make me worth it. I think I'm coming to the point where I can try. I hope you don't runaway while I tear down these castle walls, I've built for myself.

I'm coming. Please wait.

3 comments:

  1. Hang in there and let her in. By the way, I love this post, it just made me happy. And I believe in you, I believe this will work for you. Don't tell yourself the depressing thoughts, because they are, simply, not true.
    Good luck!

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  2. Warning: This is a novel of a comment, I apologize in advance if this weirds you out from someone you have never met.

    I came across your blog via The 100 hour board, and was very intrigued.
    I have never struggled with what you have, and your resilience is VERY commendable and inspiring to one who has never experienced it firsthand. (Though we all have our separate struggles, but that's part of coming unto Christ, isn't it?)

    As I read through your entries, I admit this post made me sad. I was absolutely sure that you were going to end with saying that it wasn't possible, that she should find someone else.
    Second admission: The end near brought me to tears. Let me explain.

    This year has been really quite difficult for me; as my parents and I recently found out that I suffer from Depression on a near severe scale.
    As I've told select friends, the results have been varied. There have been a few very dear friends who have done nothing but help in the only real sense of the word, but there are some that just don't know what to do. I don't blame them.
    But everyone keeps telling me to keep fighting, that I'm strong, that I can overcome it.
    I don't feel strong. I feel like every day is a losing battle. Like no matter how hard I try, I end up failing.
    It's been really hard to say "Yes, I am fighting. I am strong. I CAN do this." when I really don't feel like I can.
    To feel a taste of that despair, that loss, in this post, and then a determination to keep going, was simply beautiful.
    Thank you.
    Don't you dare give up when you've been fighting so hard.

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