Friday, January 11, 2013

Let's not get bitter.  Whatever happens, getting bitter isn't a good response
you know the message i needed.  That i was not alone in this trial.  I didn't really understand that until i was 27, 28ish, when i found Northstar.  But looking back i can remember on my mission begging for some guidance or help, and that scripture coming to me in multiple ways.

The one "there is no temptation given unto you but is common to man"  and but God is faithful, and will provide a way .

If i could have internalized that when i was 20, it would have been better.  But i'm glad i've learned it now. 

Thursday, January 10, 2013

A unique and suprising sacrament meeting

The Following took place in November

It was supposed to be a normal boring sunday.  Meetings at 9 am, church til 4 and stay at the building for a while.

Well during sacrament meeting, i started to get promptings that i should share my struggle with same gender attraction with the ward.

At first i put it off.  said i was just being dumb.  But it was persistent.  What surprised me was that it was not overly strong.  But just persistent enough for me to know... God wants you to do this.

I examined why.  Was it because the Art had told his ward?  no, cause i really didn’t want to do it.  Was it because i wanted attention?  no.  I get enough of that, and i have good friends.  In fact the idea of telling the whole ward scared the crap out of me.


But it felt right then, it was an idea planted by the Holy Ghost.  And it feels right now.

I sent the bishop a text, confirming that it was something i should do.  You know, the mouths of two or three witnesses and all that.

I thought he’d be my out, say “nahh, don’t to that.”

His text response... “follow the prompting.”

i got scared.  I knew if i was going to be a person who did what God wanted, i’d have to tell the ward.  I looked at the Pi-rat, sitting next to me.  Was like, crap, he’ll know.  and so will tons of people.  He noticed a change in me, asked what was up.  Told him i had a prompting to do something i didn’t want to do.  He was supportive, i asked him to still be my friend afterwards.

I walked up, cracked my knuckles, and told about how we all have challenges in life, and how the Lord loves us, knows what we go through, but how each of us will have a different trial that is unique to us, but will push us to our limits.  But that we can be faithful.  I bore testimony of prophets, Smith, kimball, hinckley, monson, mckay.  And of the divinity of the plan of salvation, of families, and the proclamation on the family.

Then i paused.  Looked at all my friends sitting around in the congregation. Made eye contact with almost all of them. And did it.  “I deal with same gender attraction”

It makes things harder that are easier for many of you.  But I know that what i deal with doesn’t matter, what matters is following God and Christ, and the gospel.  It will bring happiness, no matter how difficult it is to follow.  said a few other things, but that was the jist of it. Was pretty forceful

then went and sat down.  

Left a little later before the meeting was over.

couldn't believe i’d done that.  Walked around in the cultural hall.

sat in a room.  Had Zona go talk to Pi-rat, make sure thing were ok.

Then went back in.

So many hugs, brother smith saw me before i made it in, and told me i was his hero.  and it took courage.  so much stuff going on.

but all positive.  --------- hugged me.  A few people didn’t know what to say, but all were nice.  no one seemed to think anything less of me.

Bishop send me a text saying the ward loved me,a dn that i’d done a good job

------------, a man who has lived the lifestyle before, thanked me for my words, as well as others who also have trials.  ------,----------,---------- and a plethora of girls supported me, the girls hugged.

So weird. to think i did it.

But it felt right,and it still does

Even though i don’t know what the future holds.

PS  God really did help me with what to say.  I felt supported, i did not freeze up, like i have when just telling one person, and people said what i said was good and supportive. Not focused on the sga.

PSS
I’ve really enjoyed the ward just treating me normal.  and a little nicer than normal too.  Hanging out after ward prayer was great.  Just fun times.  I can see a lot of care from the ward.  Girls want hugs, and guys are just being cool about it, which is how most guys are.

WHile i do appreciate the people who have wanted to talk about it, i also appreciate the people who just come up and have a fun conversation about zombies, or sports or whatever.

PPSS

I hear Bishop was crying during it.  

PPSSS

THe response from the ward has continued to be great.  So many people have been nice, most the girls have given me hugs, and said nice things, most the guys have just treated me normal, or gone out of their way to talk about stuff i like, as i said before, just showing that they don’t reject me, and that things are not going to be different has been great.

I mean i freaking sat in FHE tonight, and it was normal.  everyone treated me normal.  not a single person has had anything negative to say.  or even acted negatively.  
I love the  ward, and the bishopric.  Bishop  has been a great support, for this and other things.


Gotta be strong.  temptation will still be there.