Saturday, August 30, 2014

Written when eating at outback alone

A deacon.  A ten year old.   An eight year old. A five year old. A three year old and a new born.

That's what my family would be like if I followed the path of my father.  The path I thought I would and that I wanted.

Instead I have a dancer, a weightlifter and a Star Wars fanatic as roommates.  I have friends who would let willing to do anything fun at a moments notice and I have close friend I can talk about my struggles with.

I want the children.  Children are a soft spot for me.  So much growth. So much potential.  The ability to create their own world and change ours.

But a wife.  I do not desire that.   One friend recommended a husband.   I do not feel that is what I am called to.

So I'm single.  Alone wanting.  Wasting the years of fatherhood.  Maybe someday I will want a wife.  Maybe someday I will find a way to get that family. But for now I'm alone. In a world full of pleasurable distraction but void of eternal connection.

Dammit.  Why am I gay.

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Cocoon

I feel the depression cocoon forming round me.   It saps my strength.  It takes my will.  It blocks joy.

Loves of my life barely bring  a smile.

The smallest task seems a deep chasm to cross.

I do not like who I am when the cocoon grabs me.  Sullen.  Comatose. Lackluster.

As it grows I near the world of the dead.  I fear it is my destiny.   I fear I will lose the self that I love.

Let me sleep but let  that sleep lead to strength not more pain.