Unconfirming the Bachelor

Watch the Prophet live at 11AM

2011-11-01T09:51:00.001-07:00

on BYU.tv. also archived.

My New Creed

2011-10-14T14:43:00.001-07:00

I will live my live

I will not be bitter about others marriages or families, I will support them

But I will not let my lack of family keep me from living life.

If a family opportunity comes along I will embrace it

I will start to live my life by developing my writing and photography talents.

2011-09-27T10:35:00.001-07:00

Forget selves in service to others. Trials teach us.

2011-09-27T10:31:00.001-07:00

Its time to get a masters. Take the test. Find out what degree to get

2011-09-27T10:26:00.001-07:00

Life gives you what you need, not what you want

Ring Finger

2011-06-22T10:14:00.000-07:00

It was a pretty ring. A soft pink ceramic with a rose engraven on its side. I found it at an estate sale of Mrs. Dr. Van Heiswald. She had been a petty women in life. Amassing the greatest collection of jewelry in the county. It was said she never wore the same outfit twice. And kept every single one stored in a hall of the mansion in which she lived. Her will had left strict instructions to burn the house to the ground and everything in it. But then again- when you die with and no one cares about you, they tend not to follow your wishes. It's not like the dead have any power. Right?

So i won the ring. The only item i could afford. I took it home. Showed it to my husband. He glanced up from the sport on tv to needs some perfunctory praise of my new ring. He may not have noticed. But I loved it. The rose was so beautiful. The pink so feminine. When I went to bed. I almost took it off. But it looked so nice there, On my pale skin.

In the morning my finger ached. My hands must have swollen from all the time in the sun. I took a couple of Advil and soon forgot the pain and went about my daily chores, more than once i found myself admiring the pretty ring on my stately finger. That night at dinner my husband finally noticed. He asked why my finger was so red. And if the ring was too small. What a horrible man. I work all day and all he does is make fun of the things that make of happy. I put my hand under the table and he turned on the tv.

As we prepared for bed he asked If I intended to sleep with the ring. That man! All he worries about is this ring. I left it on to spite him.

In my dreams i heard screams. The screams of horror. I awoke to find the screams coming from my own mouth. My husband was at my side in an instant. Examining the ring still on my finger. The skin was an ashen gray. He tried to remove the ring. My finger burned with pain. He tugged, I howled but to no avail. The ring was cutting into the bone. He put me in my arms and carried me to the car.

The emergency room was full. I sat in a daze. When the doctor finally saw me. I couldn't speak but whimpered . He grabbed my finger to examine. As his hand jerked my finger, the gray flesh separated from my hand. The break was clean, right at the ring. It fell to the floor. I looked at the shriveled finger formerly of my hand.

My pain was gone. My hand was free. There was no blood. I sprang into the arms of Mark and we hugged and hugged and hugged.

As we left the hospital that early morning, we passed crowds of others I remembered from the auction. I noticed Mr. Howard Crumpled near a body under a sheet on a gurney. Sobbing I hugged Mark once more, glad I hadn’t bought the matching necklace.

2011-05-20T15:36:00.003-07:00

brings respite from the heat.

2011-05-20T15:36:00.001-07:00

I don't have a wife? I'm not an md- i max suck at life but at least when i poo- i'm free from the Crap i am. I have four walls and my seat. And it

2011-05-02T20:53:00.001-07:00

dot

2011-04-02T10:06:00.001-07:00

Sometimes we are healed by being given strength and comfort through our trials

The Lost Art of Buddyship

2011-03-24T15:48:00.000-07:00

Taken from http://www.outventure.za.net/public/articles/buddyship.htm

The Hazards of Being Male, published
>1976:
> The Lost Art Of Buddyship

>While preparing this chapter I kept thinking back to a recent ten day seminar on
>aggression in which I participated. An actress conducted an evening program on
>the subject of aggression and the theatre.

>She arrived early on the afternoon of the day of the program with a woman friend
>approximately her age who was helping her prepare for the evening presentation.
>Both are attractive, normal, equally successful heterosexual women and their
>friendship and interaction was very special to watch. Her friend hovered around
>her constantly, as involved and concerned that everything should be set up
>artistically and correctly as if the program was hers. She soothed and comforted
>the actress whenever she expressed any doubts or anxiety, constantly gave her
>encouragement, and communicated enthusiasm and excitement in anticipation of the
>evening. Then she helped her dress in an elaborate outfit, checking carefully to
>see that the makeup and the overall look were just right. Forty five minutes
>before the program was to begin she urged her to rest up and volunteered to get
>everyone seated and to inform them that there would be no smoking. Once it began
>she was there to participate and to help keep the program moving, and after it
>was all over she embraced her friend, helped her gather all the materials
>together and put them into the van. Along with a few others they went out to
>celebrate. Even though the woman friend was married and had children, she never
>expressed a feeling of being imposed upon nor rushed to get back home.
>As I observed this interaction go on for seven or eight hours I was deeply
>moved, jealous, and saddened at the same time. The jealousy and sadness I felt
>was for myself and for many other men who I believe rarely, if ever, are capable
>of or experience such a caring, sharing, and loving relationship with another
>man--one in which great pleasure is taken in facilitating the accomplishment of
>the other, just as if it were happening to oneself. The existence of a
>"buddyship," in which they each facilitate and derive deep satisfaction from the
>success and achievement of the other, is uncommon.
>I personally have to go back to my high school days to recall relationships of
>that nature-relationships where we honestly rejoiced in each other's triumphs.
>By the time I was in college it seemed that all of us men had already been
>thoroughly contaminated by the competitive posture that was subtly yet
>constantly undermining the possibility of genuine intimacy and caring. Instead,
>we were always checking each other out, looking over each other's women to see
>who had the prettiest, and never being sure if we could trust even our closest
>friends around an attractive girl friend.

>It seemed like we all were hustling, and although we didn't want to see our
>friends fail, we also weren't very eager to see them do better than we did, to
>have them accomplish something of which we weren't capable. Then there was
>always the threat of being called a "fag" if one expressed affection openly to
>another male. When we saw such affection displayed we smiled at each other
>knowingly.

>As adult males in our culture the phenomenon of being without even a single
>buddy or good friend is a common one-so widespread in fact, that it is not seen
>as unusual nor is it even spoken about. Rather, it is taken for granted. Many
>men I interviewed admitted to not having one intimate male friend whom they
>totally trusted and confided in. However, most of them seemed to accept this as
>being a normal and acceptable condition.

>One weekend, while I was vacationing at a resort, I was discussing this book
>with the wife of a successful California real estate man. I mentioned that I was
>including a chapter on male friendships. She commented to me, "I wish I could
>find my husband a good friend. He's got loads of business acquaintances but not
>one real friend. And I know he's lonely. There's nobody he calls up for no
>reason except to say 'hello' and to chat. It's always a business or family
>thing."

>At the time, this woman happened to be sitting with two women friends with whom
>she had come to the resort. Their husbands had stayed at home because of work
>commitments. Throughout the lunch they happily and comfortably chatted with each
>other, exchanging family anecdotes, discussing intimate matters relating to
>their husbands, mutual friends, the children, or themselves. They were clearly
>enjoying each other, listening and responding easily.

>At a nearby table there were several men sitting together. In contrast to the
>women, they looked uncomfortable and strained. They seemed to have little to say
>to each other as they looked at their food or around the dining room for no one
>in particular. Occasionally, one would tell a joke or try to say something
>witty. The interaction was clearly tense until a woman came by who knew one of
>the men and joined the table. Suddenly the men became more animated and relaxed.
>Up until then there had been no dynamism in their interaction, no spontaneity
>and no relaxed sharing.

>From both ends of the continuum, men seem to be blocked when they try to relate
>to each other. That is, they are not comfortable sharing their downsides-their
>failures, anxieties, and disappointments. Perhaps they fear being seen as weak,
>complaining losers or crybabies, a perception that threatens their masculine
>images. Neither do they seem to feel comfortable sharing their ecstasies or
>successes for fear of inciting competitive jealousies or appearing boastful.
>Consequently, verbal social interactions between men focus on neutral, largely
>impersonal subject matters such as automobiles, sports, and politics.

>In the course of interviewing adult males I became particularly aware of the
>isolation of the married ones. While most denied being lonely, they almost all
>indicated that their wives were their only close friends, the only person they
>really trusted. They blamed the lack of male friends on the fact that they were
>too busy, but the real reasons were significantly more complex than that.

>Until two years before I met him, Ralph, a thirty three year old married glass
>salesman had one close male friend, an old, high school buddy. Then his friend
>began to make considerably more money than he did, remodeling his home and
>putting in a swimming pool and a billiard room. Shortly thereafter Ralph broke
>off the seventeen-year friendship explaining, "I didn't want him to think we
>were coming over just to use the swimming pool."

>Where Ralph had been a vigorously independent and impulsive person before he
>married, he gradually became increasingly dependent on his wife, to the point
>that it scared and upset her. He told her that she was everything to him, and
>that he hoped he would die before her because he could never bear the loneliness
>of living without her.

>Another example is Alan, aged fifty-four, the manager of a large travel agency.
>During our interview he expressed a sentiment that I had heard in various forms
>from many men. He said he didn't have any close male friends because the only
>guys he met were at work. "I avoid socializing with the guys who work for me. I
>think it's bad business. If you want to get the job done you've got to keep an
>impersonal kind of objectivity." He added that he really liked many of the men
>he worked with but he just couldn't take the risk of getting too friendly with
>them. Alan could only think of one close male friend that he had had as an
>adult, and that person had died three years before. But as close as they were
>they only got together in the company of their wives. Whenever he called his
>friend on the telephone and spoke for more than five or ten minutes his wife
>would chide him for gossiping like a "washerwoman." This embarrassed him until
>the calls stopped altogether.

>He finds it hard to make friends. Even though many of the men he meets are
>younger than himself he invariably relates to them in very competitive and
>defensive ways. He rationalized his lack of friends by the fact that his wife
>frequently complained of illness. "I'd feel lousy about myself if I went out and
>had a good time while she was sitting at home." Therefore, he spends his free
>time working on the cars, in the yard, or improving his home.
>Gregory is a twenty-eight-year-old bicycle importer. According to his wife,
>Cindy, "Until Gregory got involved in group therapy, he didn't think another man
>would be interested in his feelings. He thought it was inappropriate to express
>feelings to another man." Before group therapy their friends were mostly Cindy's
>old girl friends from college and their husbands. The husbands never got
>together on their own, only as part of a couple.

>Through group therapy Gregory has got closer to men but even so he tends to play
>the role of analyst to them and to listen rather than reveal himself. He noted
>that even in group therapy there was a lot of competition among the men,
>particularly about pinpointing feelings. "God help you if you aren't in touch
>with your feelings first and best," he said.

>Gregory still feels, however, that he doesn't have a "real friend," someone he
>can confide in and completely trust. His wife admitted that she puts a damper on
>some of his group relationships because some of them have become too intense and
>men would call Gregory for help during dinnertime or very late at night. Gregory
>would always run out to meet them if they wanted to talk and his wife began to
>resent this.

>She also felt uncomfortable, however, about the fact that he turned exclusively
>to her for comforting. "He'll tell me he feels like a raw nerve and he wants me
>to comfort him, because nobody else can. I rub his back and do my best to listen
>to him. But he really gets furious when my mind wanders while he's talking and I
>have to ask him to repeat his feelings."

>Men who were interviewed rationalized their alienation from other men in various
>ways. Other men were too "uptight," "screwed up," "defensive," "always
>competing," too withdrawn," and "boring." As one said, "They're no fun to be
>with. I'd rather be with a woman." The repression of closeness with one's own
>sex is not nearly as great in relationships between women and consequently they
>can comfortably be physical and playful with each other without anxiety.

>In general, the extreme repression of male homosexual feelings in our culture
>and the intense anxiety about "being one" creates a major stumbling block in
>even normal male-male closeness. It results in the situation so commonly seen
>today where most adult men admit to being really comfortable only in close
>relationships with women. Getting close to another man, particularly if one does
>not have an equally close female in one's life, often mobilizes intense sexual
>anxieties, doubt, and suspiciousness. That horrible preoccupation of, "I wonder
>what he really wants from me" emerges as soon as an overture of warmth and
>friendliness is made by one man toward another.

>A friend vividly recalled to me that in the middle of one of his European
>lecture tours his flight was delayed twelve hours due to engine problems. Each
>passenger was asked to share a room for the night with another passenger. My
>friend was booked into a room that had only one large bed. He remembered how
>careful he and his fellow male passenger were as they each slept on the very
>edges of their own side of the bed, in seeming terror of accidentally touching
>each other.

>It is a tragic irony in our culture that men can only come comfortably close to
>each other when they are sharing a common target. As teenagers they come
>together in a gang or as members of a team out to "destroy" the other team. As
>adults, in wartime, they have a common enemy.

>Many men recall their Army days as having been happy ones in the sense of their
>having felt real friendship or kinship with other men, an experience they have
>not had since. In the Army however, the common target was often the commanding
>officer, as well as the enemy. I am certain that POWs developed intense
>closeness as they joined together in the common pursuit of survival and hatred
>for their captors. The simple pleasure of being together with no other reason
>than to enjoy each other's company and support seems to be almost an
>unattainable experience for most men.

>Married men often remarked that they didn't feel comfortable with divorced men
>because they claimed that it was too depressing. They'd label the divorced man
>as immature. These relationships, it often turned out, were also often
>discouraged by the wife of the married man who was threatened by the possibility
>that he would be influenced by his divorced friend.

>Several divorced men commented that it wasn't until after the marriage broke up
>that they realized that they had never really enjoyed the company of many of the
>couples they socialized with during marriage. That is, many men who seemed to
>enjoy each other's company when they got together as part of a couple discovered
>that they had nothing in common when they got together on their own without
>their wives.

>Some men expressed the notion that if they burdened another man with their
>problems that this would obligate them in the future. Friendships were seen, in
>a sense, as business trade-offs. If you asked for help you would be expected to
>give it at some future point.

>In the area of friendship many men also related to their wives as disapproving
>mother figures. They found it almost impossible to indicate that they were going
>to spend an evening, day, or weekend with a male friend. Usually this was not
>the case at the beginning of the marriage when the wives encouraged their
>husbands to have autonomous friendships. However, gradually this would change
>and in subtle ways the men began to feel that it wasn't worth the hassle of
>"asking permission" and of feeling guilty about leaving their wives at home
>alone with the children. They disliked having to explain what they did or said
>and who they had been with when they returned.

>A friend told me of an instance in which he spontaneously invited another man to
>a poker game. The invited man became flustered and uncomfortable as he searched
>for an appropriate excuse that wouldn't make him look too henpecked. "I'll take
>a rain check on that. I already told my wife I'd be home for dinner and she'd
>really be pissed off."

>Because many married males work hard at maintaining the facade of a monogamous
>relationship, they are often fighting off the impulse to wander and to engage in
>casual sexual relationships. Because of these secret or repressed sexual desires
>they have chronically guilty consciences. Consequently, they expect that they
>won't be believed by their wives if they say they're going out with a male
>friend, particularly if they do so on a regular basis. They assume that they
>will be accused of having been with another woman or of having done something
>other than what they said they did.

>Men married to women who play the traditional role of housewife and mother are
>particularly prone to feeling guilty if they enjoy themselves when their wives
>are at home. "It's not fair for me to be out having a good time, even if it's
>only with the boys, if she's at home with the kids." This same man might be very
>happy indeed if his wife went out alone with women friends. In a sense, by her
>doing so she could collect some trading stamps that would entitle him to a
>guilt-free time but alone at some later date.

>Many men have come to view the need for a buddy as a remnant of immaturity, or
>an adolescent need. However, their latent hunger for one is seen in their
>ecstatic response when they accidentally run into an old buddy. Often, it almost
>brings them to tears.
>When two single men become friendly with one another their friendship frequently
>revolves around the joint pursuit of women. A friendship with no other reason
>than to enjoy each other's company tends to generate too much anxiety,
>particularly anxiety surrounding homosexual feelings and impulses.
>Because of the strong need to retain one's masculine image, men tend to be quite
>guarded around each other. Consequently, their talk rarely becomes personal. One
>man who was interviewed remarked at how amazed he had been when a male friend he
>thought he knew well separated from his wife. "I never even knew that they were
>having problems," he commented.

>As an offshoot of women's consciousness-raising groups there have been efforts
>at creating male consciousness-raising groups. Reports describing the process of
>these groups suggest that there is a real struggle to keep them together. Group
>cohesion is tenuous and the interaction among the men tends to remain on an
>intellectualized, distant plane.

>One man who had joined a male consciousness-raising group wrote about his
>experience. "In the world of men, I was alone, jealous, angry, untrusting, and
>uptight. Only with women could I let it hang out." While still part of his male
>consciousness-raising group, he contracted cancer. Before going in the hospital
>he received deep concern and warm support. Once in the hospital undergoing
>surgery however, there was not a word from any member of the group except one.
>"I knew the others all cared, but they didn't know how to handle it. This time I
>knew it was the group's problem, not mine. I was in bed but they were crippled.
>I felt disgust and sadness along with my anger."

>I believe that these groups tend not to remain together for long periods of time
>because they lack a commonly shared target. In fact, attack or competition in
>these groups is tacitly and overtly considered taboo. Many men join them because
>they want to please their women or to learn how not to be male oppressors.
>Consequently there is a subtle group climate of self-hate and guilt induction.
>The target is oneself and each male is cautious about using words or relating in
>ways that are "typically male chauvinist." While there is mutual support to
>liberate oneself there is a dearth of joyful, playful, and unpremeditated ways
>of relating. Instead, a new subtle competition has arisen, competition to be the
>least competitive or chauvinistic.

>The capacity for what I term "buddyship" is a genuine social skill, an area of
>competence that needs to be learned. I have chosen the word "buddyship" because
>of its connotations of youth and of spontaneity. This, combined with adult
>maturity contains the potential for the ultimate in masculine friendship. I have
>conceptualized four phases often present in the development of a buddyship.
>These four phases include themanipulative phase, the companionship phase, the
>friendship phase and finally, the buddyship phase.

>The manipulative phase is where most relationships between men begin and remain.
>It is a phase of mutual using often to the benefit of both. It is also an
>interaction in which there is a mutually beneficial feed-off, such as occurs in
>the business world. The men come together because each has a skill, talent, or
>resource that the other can use. So long as the mutually shared goal exists and
>one man can help the other get ahead or expand his social or business territory,
>the relationship will remain viable. However, once there are no mutual benefits
>to pursue the relationship will tend to fade.

>The manipulative phase may also assume other forms. A fairly common one is the
>relationship between the successful man and his "tag-along" or "kick me," the
>mentor and his student, the powerful man and his sycophant. The successful man
>is often a lonely, isolated person who can only relate comfortably with a person
>who respects, even adores him, and who is always available. The follower gets
>his payoff by basking in the aura of the other man, with the hopes that he will
>eventually make himself emotionally and actually indispensable (which often
>happens) and thereby reap some of the material and status rewards.

>The manipulative phase can be destructive if one man is being used to his own
>detriment. In that case he is treated like an object and discarded when he no
>longer serves a purpose. The mutual caring disappears when the user has gotten
>what he wants and moves on to greener pastures.

>The next step in the development of a relationship between men is the
>companionship phase. Companionship relationships are basically segmentalized
>ones which revolve around sharing a specific activity such as golfing, going to
>horse races, drinking together, pursuing women, playing cards, etc. if one of
>the men becomes ill, often he will not see his companion again until he has
>recuperated and is ready to play.

>The mutually shared activity becomes the safe structure or excuse for getting
>together. It helps to define and limit the interaction in such a way as to make
>spontaneous intimacy unnecessary. Companionship is a form of mutual using but it
>is usually playful and benign. The relationship is limited again because there
>are no real roots of mutual caring. Consequently, when the commonly held
>interest no longer exists the relationship tends to wither and disappear.

>Companionships, after a mutual testing period, may sometimes evolve into the
>friendship phase. One test of whether a companion can become a friend is the
>reaction to competition-winning and losing. If one man tends to incite the envy
>and jealousy of the other, then the friendship phase will not be reached.
>However, if the two men can find pleasure in teaching one another and in each
>other's individual success, a friendship can evolve.

>In other words, a relationship can emerge from the companionship phase into the
>friendship phase, if each person feels included by the other, rather than
>extremely competitive. In this instance the alienating forms of competitiveness
>have been sublimated and the men do not feel beaten when they lose. The
>interaction does not generate a compulsive need to be better. There is pleasure
>in just being with the other and there is a capacity for a free flow of
>conversation, not necessarily confined to any one specific subject.
>The friendship phase is one which involves mutual aid, compassion, and a willing
>readiness to be there in an emergency. A friend will lend money or other valued
>objects such as a car. He will inquire after his friend during illness and will
>provide a bed to sleep in when needed.

>The friendship phase is relatively free of mutual manipulation, and more of the
>whole person is involved. It can, however, only become a buddyship once they
>have experienced a crisis that tests the friendship. If the crisis is
>transcended, vulnerabilities have been revealed and come to be respected, and
>deep trust has developed the buddyship phase can begin.

>Buddyship is the deepest of male-male interactions. Buddyships, which already
>have endured crises, have rich dimensions that generally cannot exist even in
>the deepest male- female relationships. For example, it has facets of a good
>father-son and a loving brother-brother interaction. Each buddy, at alternate
>times, may assume the role of teacher or guide to the other and will revel in
>the other person's development and expanded skills. And there is also a sense of
>warmth and empathic understanding and comfort when one person is feeling weak,
>acting foolish, or being vulnerable. In these instances, one buddy gets
>stability and nourishment from the other. There is a happy, mutual sharing of
>resources, bothmaterial and emotional. The competitive element is
>inconsequential and a win for one becomes a win for both.

>The brother-brother dimension of buddyship is one in which each looks out for
>the other, protecting him from exploitation. It is this phase of the male-male
>interaction that tends to be the most threatening to a wife or girl friend of
>one of the buddies. That is, a buddy will not hesitate to tell the other when he
>sees him allowing himself to be manipulated or self-destructively controlled by
>a woman.

>Buddyship may also be threatening to an involved woman because many of its
>dimensions are not shared with her. Buddies will share deepest feelings about
>their relationships, personal fantasies, private or secret experiences. This may
>be very disturbing to an involved woman and her jealousy over the relationship
>may be deeper even than jealousy over a man's girl friend-partially because a
>relationship with another woman can be righteously attacked as being a betrayal
>of trust while a buddyship cannot.

>Consequently, the woman may consciously or unconsciously attempt to undermine or
>destroy the buddyship. This may be attempted through derogatory comments,
>flattery, or suggestive innuendoes. "What do you need him for? He's a big baby,"
>"He just uses you," "You're like two overgrown adolescents," "He's not good
>enough for you," "He's jealous of you," "He's a loser," "You're always kissing
>his ass," "Why don't you go to bed with him? You spend more time with him than
>you do with me." Suggestive remarks may be made implying latent homosexuality.
>Explosive arguments will occur particularly if a wife or girlfriend sees "her
>man" do something for a buddy that he might not do for her or lend money or
>material possessions that she feels will cause her to be deprived in some way.

>Female jealousy and resentment over a buddyship may also reflect her awareness
>that its roots may be deeper, because the relationship has more room for
>freedom, is less possessive, and does not have the components of jealousy and
>role rigidity that often exist in male-female relationships.

>Buddyships are relatively role free. Each male feels safe enough to be open to
>act silly, stupid, and in spontaneous, child-like and affectionate ways which he
>may not feel safe enough to show anyone else.

>The art of buddyship in our culture is undeveloped because it requires time, a
>willingness to work through crises, to upset one's heterosexual partner, to
>endure hostile suggestions and innuendoes about latent homosexuality, and a
>social maturity and competence that is not culturally recognized or rewarded the
>way that, for example, marriage is. If anything, a buddyship, if it is
>particularly intense, is embarrassing to others. Buddies are accused of delayed
>emotional development and of neglecting more important activities and
>relationships. Buddyships are often viewed as a threat to the "mature" husband-
>wife relationship because they require time, cultivation, commitment, mutual
>nourishment, and love. Their rewards, however, if achieved, are great because of
>their mutually supportive, nourishing, no-strings-attached aspects. They can
>endure stresses that few male-female relationships can because they do not have
>legal, contractual binds that force them to remain together.

>The lack of such a relationship makes a man particularly vulnerable. It
>overintensifies his dependency on his woman, placing an emotional burden on her
>that can suffocate and destroy their relationship. Once a primary relationship
>with a woman breaks down the man has no one to turn to. In addition, once the
>male has totally and solely become reliant on a woman for the satisfaction of
>his emotional needs, he cannot afford to risk losing her. Consequently, he win
>be more prone to cling to an unhappy, unfulfilling relationship out of
>desperation and the frightening fear of being cut off from all emotional
>nourishment.

>I believe that the lack of buddyship is also an important factor in the
>significantly higher male suicide rate and the significantly higher rate of
>death of divorced males as opposed to divorced females. Instead of reaching out
>for help, comfort, and nourishment from a buddy he hides behind a facade of
>strength and independence. Or he desperately reaches out for another woman,
>often throwing himself prematurely into another relationship. When no woman is
>available to him he may become engulfed in his isolation and alienation and
>become suicide prone.

>It is my belief that the male needs to realize the importance of a buddyship
>relationship and learn to develop one. The path toward a buddyship relationship
>is a difficult and hazardous one that requires an awareness of the great need
>and survival value of such a relationship. It is much more difficult to launch
>because while the male-female relationship tends to begin on the basis of a
>sexual attraction, the initial reaction between males tends to be one of
>cautiousness, anxiety about openness and getting close, and some distrust.
>Therefore, while a male-female relationship can arrive at a state of intimacy
>fairly rapidly, the male-male relationship must endure various phases of
>development and be tested before the intimacy of buddyship can be achieved.

>The continuing impact of a buddyship is the development of a deep mutual
>respect, trust, and pleasure in each other's company. Envy and competitiveness
>will increasingly recede into the background while your buddy's growth and
>achievements will begin to make you feel as good as if it were happening to you.
>You will find growing interest in each other as total people and the specific
>things you do together will become significantly less important than the simple
>joy and comfort in being with each other. A real buddyship will last a lifetime,
>remaining in the face of even massive personal changes in every other aspect of
>life.

>
>Guidelines Toward Achieving Buddyship
>1. Begin by articulating those attributes which you respect in another man and
>those which you dislike.

>The positive attributes should include personality characteristics that generate
>joy, the freedom to be yourself, a willingness to open up and reveal yourself as
>a person, a sense of trust and safety, a desire to be talkative, humorous, and
>silly, an eagerness to explore, expand, and risk, and a receptiveness to
>learning new things when you are around that person.

>The negative attributes would include characteristics that tend to make you feel
>pessimistic, distrustful, guarded, inhibited, uncreative, bored, depressed,
>resentful, and scared about life when you are in that person's presence.

>Draw a social nexus chart which pictures yourself in the center and the men that
>you consider potential buddies in circles around you. Place those you feel
>closest to nearest yourself and those you feel more distant from in circles
>which are progressively further away.
>Now define in specific terms the characteristics you like and dislike about
>each. The following questions may be helpful to you in doing this:

>a) Is he guarded and secretive around me and do I feel guarded and secretive
>around him? In other words, do I feel like I'm prying whenever I ask him
>something personal? Do I feel anxious and regretful when I tell him something
>intimate about myself? Does he volunteer personal information about himself
>freely when he's around me and do I feel a strong desire to be open about myself
>when I'm around him?

>b) Do I feel comfortable calling him and would he call me up for no other
>reason than to say hello?

>c) Do I feel comfortable going over to see him on the spur of the moment, or do
>I feel I have to plan each meeting with him carefully and well in advance and
>only for a specific reason such as golfing?
>d) Do I feel respected and appreciated when I'm around him and do I respect and
>admire him?

>e) Do I have envious and competitive feelings toward him and do I sense that he
>has similar feelings toward me?

>f) Does he say and do things that embarrass me and do I seem to make him
>uncomfortable?

>g) Would I feel comfortable asking him to drive me to the airport, lend me his
>car, or give me a place to sleep when I needed that? Would I feel comfortable
>doing these things for him?

>h) Would I feel safe and confident if he were alone with my girl friend or wife
>and would I feel comfortable knowing that I could resist the temptation to
>seduce his girl friend or wife without his knowledge when he wasn't around?
>i) Do I feel I can grow, learn, and become more through a relationship with him
>and do I feel that I can provide the same kind of atmosphere and opportunity for
>him?

>j) Am I eager to know him as a total person or am I just interested in him to
>share a specific activity and would otherwise prefer not to get closer to him?

>4. Once you have determined who is a potential buddy, recognize that two of the
>areas of greatest difficulty are those of trust and of dominance.

>To handle the area of trust ask your potential buddy to define vulnerable areas
>with you; the kinds of behaviors that would destroy confidence and good feeling
>in both of you. Begin with the milder ones such as, for example, a show of
>indifference in him when you are discussing something of great importance to
>you. (One man mentioned to me his anger and diminished trust at a friend whose
>one ear was glued to the radio listening to a football wrap-up show while he was
>trying to discuss serious problems.) Then go progressively to the more sensitive
>areas such as making derogatory comments about you in front of close friends,
>not backing you up in an argument with others, revealing something personal to
>others which you had told him in confidence, or being seductive with a woman you
>care about.
>To handle the issue of dominance, work toward equalizing power and
>decision-making so that neither of you winds up in the shadow of the other.
>Arrange tag-along meetings where one afternoon or evening you share in an
>experience of interest to him and then have him tag-along doing something which
>involves an area of your strength and interest.

>5. Share your respective experiences of past disappointments and hurts in other
>friendships. Discuss incidents that have previously impaired or destroyed
>friendships for both of you as a way of learning about each other's areas of
>vulnerability and sensitivity.

>Get together on a regular basis, perhaps once a month, a time specifically set
>aside to keep your relationship up to date and to avoid hidden injustice
>collecting. At this time discuss any incident or remarks that were made by
>either of you which caused disappointment or discomfort. In other words, be open
>with each other regarding areas of abrasion before they create great rifts.

2011-03-15T10:22:00.001-07:00

God answers our questions through the parables of our own lives

Two Year Review

2011-03-07T07:31:00.000-08:00

Its time for me to renew my temple recommend. I started the process yesterday with a bishopric member. Its always a time for introspection and reflection. For me it was neat to reflect on how i've changed in the last two years, and even further back.

The question "do you live the law of chastity" used to strike fear in my soul. How could I answer in teh affirmative with my SGA. I used to make my bishops talk me into saying yes, because I was so afraid of what would happen if I did. I would make sure they knew about my "disgusting" thoughts, my "obsessions"

Those were terms I used to describe my SGA. I wasn't ready to admit it was part of me.

The bishops reacted with love, confusion, and muted disgust. I don't hold the disgust against them, they controlled it. I wasn't always perfect in my chastity observance, but i was doing so much better than i gave myself credit for. I feared these meetings, i put off renewing the interviews, until i could go months without "improper" thoughts.

Even as recent as two years ago, I did these things. I told the bishop all of it as usual. He was loving, worked with me, helped me feel worthy.

But yesterday I was finally free from that doubt and fear. I didn't care when the secretary offered a counselor to do the interview instead of the bishop. He asked me the questions. When he got to the chastity one I replied with a firm yes. I'm worthy, I keep God's law, and keep my passions within the bounds that He has set.

Gone was the fear, or the uncertainty. I am living as he wants me to. At least in this section of my life. I can enter His house, and do His work.

My bishop gets release in May, and for the first time in over a decade, i won't feel the need to tell the new bishop about my SGA. I may do it, especially as an offer to help others that struggle, but I don't need to.

I'm a Mormon, and I have Same-Gender Attraction

2011-02-18T18:58:00.001-08:00

In my weakness i do question. But i ought not to question The Creator, the furnace is for the created.

Progress

2011-01-14T08:01:00.000-08:00

It might be weird to think about progress in light of my post yesterday. But let me point out a few areas i have progressed in.

So I had a major depressive episode that climaxed yesterday. I've had them before, probably will have them again. And while i didn't handle it perfectly, i handled it much better than before.

1st, i didn't keep it all in. Shame relies on isolation, at least for me. I told my NS friends, my sports boards friends, my blog friends, and my real life friends. In the past it would have been kept deep inside. now I have many people who have reached out to me. I feel much better. Indy and I had a long chat yesterday. So nice to have a friend to rely on.

2nd. I didn't try to dull or escape the pain unhealthily. Wednesday night I could feel the urge to get dull the pain in non constructive ways. I took my computer power cord and gave it to a friend. I tried to stay busy cleaning the apartment. I did not give in to the internet, self abuse, or even binge eating. I did eat a lot at a party, but that's normal, and another thing to work on.

3rd. I tried to do things to feel better. Listened to some "real men of genius" great comedy. went and did some temple work. Prayed, invited friends over for X files, had monkey war, played New Super Mario Bros Wii with friends. All these things helped a ton.

There are things I should do that I didn't. I could be proactive in seeking help. Exercise really helps me. And removing the stress. Sure this ended up being about me and SGA, but it really started with stress, the stress came from work. And in this case the work stress was avoidable. I need to minimize the stress in my life, or at least not create more.

Anyway. There you go. feeling better. Glad to be here. Thank you EVERYONE for your support.

j4k

Dark and Scary Place

2011-01-13T07:04:00.001-08:00

I don't know how it started, but its grown for several weeks. On the rollercoaster of life, I'm on a steep slope down.

Now its mostly in my head, which I suppose it good. But I fear that the darkness will lead me to do things that I don't want to do.

Anyway, friends and anonymous internet readers, i'm going to unload. I need to drop some of this and see if i can keep it off.

WHY, i know an freaking cliche, why me. But really why do i go through all this. I know its brought me closer to God, but its so darn painful. The isolation sucks. I don't always connect with people. Is the pain worth it. is it really worth it.

But then I come to "if it isn't worth it, then what" how to relieve the pain. Two obvious options exist, first go be gay. Why not. Maybe i'll find relief there. Maybe i just need to stop trying to resist these urges. What if the pain is coming from my resistance. What if i don't resist, will it still hurt? Will it still sting. Why not just close the book on this part of my life, try a new one.

But that isn't an option for me. There is a God right? i know there is. I've felt him, friends may deny, but He is there. I mean he's answered my prayers, sent me tons of help, and He doesn't want me to give in right?

Because the Church is His. While people in it are imperfect, its the vehicle He has for me. His oracles tell me not to go be gay. I want the joys of family, I want children.

And while that may not happen, now or later, its what i want ultimatly in life. But that also is a source of frustration. Dang it Red, do you really think that if I just kiss a girl this will all go away? Why do I have to prove the validity of my trail to you. I bear my freakin' soul to you and all you tell me is to find a floozy, make out, and see if I like it.

WHAT THE HECK! Come on man. Its been years I've dealt with this. I ain't not frog prince waiting for a kiss to set me free. I know you want the best for me, and you are a good friend, but I'm not making this up. My feelings are real. Dang it, why don't you read the crap I give you. Why don't you find out a little bit about what I go through. We don't always talk about it, but why won't you try to see how things are for me. You're my bro, you've been there for me when i'm at my lowest. I just wish you'd try to understand this more.

I know its a weird, thing. I know you probably find it repulsive, i know i did and still do. But please understand its what I deal with, not in some imagination, but in my real life.

I really wish i could get over the crappy shame. Why do i hate myself so much for this. Why can't I find that peace of mind others have. They have this peace emanating from them. But i shake when I think about the fag that I am. I dispise it. I wish I could cut that part out of me.

But I can't. I've tried, it doesn't leave. The sick twisted vile thing just won't leave, its like a parasite wrapped around my heart, its tendrils sinking deep into the tissues. If I remove one, i lose the other. SO its mine, its me. I've got to learn how to be OK with that. To not tremble with self hate when I think about it.

I used to love being alone with my thoughts. Now I fear it. the shame, hate, and vile feelings come.

My head knows that I have done nothing wrong in God's plan. He gave or allowed this to happen, i've never given into it. I don't have any need to feel hatred, i should feel proud for being faithful,

But I don't. I hate it. I want it to go away and never come back.

Indy, I'm just to ashamed to share the deep stuff with you. YOu've always been supportive, but i'm afraid that no one can respect the crap in my head. I know you probably would. Just to hard to overcome the internal barrier.

The other impossible option is to end it. I don't want to, but its the other option my freaking messed up head presents. The pain would end. The loathing would be gone. I wouldn't suck at work anymore, or feel like a tiny atoll in the middle of the Pacific. Maybe I'd just cease to exist.

But that is not an option.

With the darkness, the Hellish thoughts, I also have deep joy. Joy that runs through the veins feeding the whole person.

I have friends, good friends. Its been years since i've had such good friends, but i have them. really some of the best friends of my life. When the tide of darkness recedes I see I'm not alone, but surrounded by loving friends and family. Sometimes ignorant, but loving.

How selfish would it be to leave them with a hole. Leave them questioning if its their fault. No, ending it all is not an option. It is the pinnacle of selfishness. Family doesn't deserve a whole in their lives, and empty chair at the dinner table. I would rather endure hell on earth for the next fifty years than leave my brothers, and other brothers. My Mother and father. My sister. My friends, with the pain of my death.

Plus there is a reason for all this right? God has a reason for my trials. IN the end the pay off will be great. "For a little while have i forsaken thee, but with great mercy shall i gather thee." I'm no Joseph, but my trials have a purpose.

So with those two options out of the picture. here I am. my ability greatly reduced by bouncing brimstone in the head, a colliding cacophony of doubt and loathing (when I start alliterating you know I'm felling better).

As much as I hate the paralyzing fear. The times i shake and can't go on. The only valid option is to go on. To seek for help from others, to pray that I can make it. And to realize that the term "hold to the rod" is the greatest understatement of all time.

(thanks for reading my self indulgent pity party.)

Post Script:

My life has some great things in it. I don't hate everything. I actually get a lot of joy out of the stuff i do, my friends, and family. When I'm not in the dark place I love living, messing around, writing, learning new things, just hanging out and joking around burning snow men, going to Cougar games, reading, playing Wii. I have some of the best friends and support anyone could have. Really, and just messing around with them is a vacation. Monkey wars are the bomb.

My life isn't encapsulated by this entry. Just the thoughts I have when I reach my dark place.

Notes from Jan Matis fireside

2011-01-09T21:29:00.005-08:00

God knows we must endure. If we give up he won
We must find God's mission for us. It's not too late. Read nephi, jacob, mormon and moroni 's last chapter. God knows how to save me. And us. Somedays getting out of bed is enduring well . Take strengths and use them against weaknesses. Lord is bound when we do what he says. He not we have no promise. Or at his depareuion. It will be a perfect judgment. Too much guilt. Do the best we can . We should not condemn harshly those who sin in ways other than ours. Left game justice. Right game is mercy. Sometimes we think we've left the gospel when we haven't. Tendency and weakness are not sin unless acted on. It only lasts as long as it needs to get back. Eternal life is living like God Much progression after this life. God is not a failure. God is merciful to ignorance. Write down the things i know of my experience that Jesus knows because of his. E understands our experience. Surges in blessings require harsh trials.

November Matis fireside bullet points

2010-11-30T19:13:00.001-08:00

Partake of the fruit of the tree of life by falling down. Everyone who repents finds mercy. Anger ,non-charity, skittles, grudge holder. Illness is impure heart. Focus on my own problems. Up is down and down is up as long as we are down before him. The only way us is through Him. He we didn't know we had problems we wouldn't come to him. Commandments give us knowledge of our problems. Proper Guilt is a gift. Don't despair boasting is excluded:) parable of the two sons. Came to himself. Contrite heart is cure. Father rushed to his side. Don't worry about others brokenness worry about my brokenness. Get the elder brother pieces out of us. Lord can cure any sickness.
We must fall.

We're not responsible for things out of our control

2010-11-07T13:01:00.001-08:00

The Temple! get there.

2010-10-26T10:26:00.001-07:00

Submit to the gardener

1 in 5 gay men in cities have AIDS

2010-09-23T12:27:00.000-07:00

To my friends doing risky behavior, don't be dumb.

http://www.reuters.com/article/idCNN2315623720100923?rpc=44

Evergreen random notes.

2010-09-21T15:18:00.000-07:00

I Am. An appropriate name for someone who has taken it all upon Him. Whatever we feel He feels whatever we are he is , through experience in Gethsemene.

Not to say He is gay or he is a cancer patient or a prisoner of war or whatever trial you want., but to say He knows what it means to be one. He has felt everthing we have. Our joys our sorrows our hope our trepidation our loneliness our feelings of rejection. That is the essence of I Am. He knows it all. He is.

Many Trials are blessings. If God didn't want me to have ssa i wouldn't.

We are blessed-child of God- ssa can drive so stay close to the Lord-master behaviors thoughts and feelings- we are ment to assist each other

Bishop McMullin-evergreen has come far- highly charged group. Everyone has strong feelings on it. Much less is known about causes then is purported. Contest of opinions- increased acceptance of ssa makes it more difficult to stay faithful. Did he just speak as if gay marriage is inevitable? And things will get more difficult for those striving to be faithful-prophets are still watchmen-

To the leaders- doctrines of keyness- problems do not make us special. Don't define myself by the problem-God does not speak of us as a category but as a person. Don't use gay as me. I am not consigned to live the gay lifestyle. We are divine Sons of God-mortal conditions immortal possibilities- speak of intimate things with reverence- common or unclean-what God hath cleansed do not call common. he sees our potential. This is a mortal condition-sga by itself is neither good or bad. If the result is good friendships it is good. Thorn in the flesh- susceptibility does not enable born this way as a defense. Paul didn't lose his thorn. When i am weak i am strong.

Saw i am statue.he knows how to succor. We are all born pure- we can all improve-trials can be de humanizing- we will be blessed-God does NOT make it impossible to be moral-God denies none in comes to him. Priesthood blesses us.leaders can speak in name of the Lord- as man is God was as God is man can be-Saviour of all creation-he redeemes-church is not just social or just a church it is kingdom of God. When prophet speaks the debate ends.we all have

vexations that will leave someday-

How can Pain sanctify?

Marriage is possible but doesn't fix this

Men and women attraction is different. And not related for sure

Porn can mess you up badly

Hedonistic?

Ramblings of My Brain at the Matis Fireside

2010-09-13T09:40:00.001-07:00

So many promptings to share what God wants not what the speakers want-

follow the spirit. It may be life or death. Christ the gives of

every good gift . He can soothe-

life can be so hard for everyone-

i am not unique in my trial but i am loved-when we are alone the Saviour knows us-

lighter burdens li ke after indy and red blessed me-

give of this mountain, the Lord will be with me-you have good around this mountain long enough-he allows time for growing-

thou hast lacked nothing-i am strong give me this mountain-would i give up this trial if i had to lose all this learning? No- Temple is for safety-dc76 1-lead people with problems closer to the Saviour.

He can fix problems we can't- responsibility to tell what we've learned of God-whose am i-moyle temple mason-

sacrifice to fill our purpose-holy is set apart for sacred purpose-he that is able to keep you from falling-them was Sunday, September 12, 2010the last time had an answer to prayer or scriptures-glass of cold water to a little one parable matthew 10-law of witnesses-

2010-09-11T17:10:00.001-07:00

I am sparticus

Wow, is this really happening

2010-09-08T15:39:00.000-07:00

Since August two friends that I deal with on a near daily basis know about my SSA. I don't have time for a full write up but just wanted to write about two incidences that showed me how lucky I am.

With school starting I've had my anxiety and ssa in overdrive. So many new attractive guys, and I still am not comfortable with the fact that I find them attractive. Things had gotten really bad, I was in a cycle of despair that was hard to climb out of. So Sunday I sent a text to both of them, Red and Indy, asking for a blessing. I've gotten blessings before when the depression is bad and it really helps. They both came over, we talked about the trials a little bit, how i was feeling, they offered some suggestions, then Red gave a prayer, then Indy was voice for the blessing.

I'm not going to say what was said, but it was powerful and personal. To be in this position after years of being alone, and avoiding friendships with men because I thought that was the way to overcome ssa, to have two great friends that I can call upon, who don't treat me any different, and that I can occasionally beat in Mario Kart is a miracle in my life, and a tender mercy.

Number two.

For Labor Day we had a marathon Mario Kart session, probably 3 hours or more. As it went on things got intense and Indy started calling things "gay" such as when a shell would hit him or something.

I'll admit, my feelings on using "gay" as term for something stupid have changed. I used to use it, then recently I stopped, and it really started to bother me. So I told Red this last Spring. I am usually able to brush it off, but when people I care about use it over and over with intensity like Indy was, it starts to get to me a little. When we were done racing they both started talking in Portuguese, which I don't know.

Then yesterday, Indy comes and apologizes for using it, i told him it was a habit i had to break, and things were good. I know its a small thing, but it makes a big difference.

One of the things said in the blessing was that God has put people in my life, I'm sure these friends are two of them

Thanks be to God, and his sons.

2010-09-07T22:46:00.001-07:00

Thank you Father for two great friends.

i.F. Fireside followup

2010-08-23T14:00:00.000-07:00

Chat from June with a straight friend about the Idaho Falls Fireside. He has been a good support through all this

1:32 PM me: dude, east idaho had a SGA (same gender attraction) fireside last night

i went with my parents

it was good

1:33 PM friend: right

how was that bro?

me: pretty good. right when i got outta the care I ran into a family from my home ward. so i guess the secret is out,

1:34 PM they're son is 19 and spent about 8 months doing the whole gay thing

but is trying to come back

friend: no mish then for him?

me: well, it might be possible

friend: dude, i'm sure they aren't gonna go spreadin the word

for all they know, ur there to help somone not even neccesarily urself u know

1:35 PM me: well, he is my youngest bros friend

friend: did they ask about it?

me: no, not really

but you know, i figured this might happen.

friend: ya

oh well

me: the fireside was 2.5 hours long

friend: life goes on u know

wow

me: that's what i say oh weell

friend: long indeed

did u feel like u guys learned som stuff

1:36 PM u know, ur life goes on

me: i learned a little, i think my parents and others that done' deal with it leanred a lot more

friend: good

me: for me it was kinda SGA 101, and i've already got an associates

friend: that's what u wanted

me: yeah. we broke into groups, leaders, freinds/fam, men with it, women with it

1:38 PM my parents went to the leadership one, it was good. I wish they could have gone to the friends/fam one, cause the couple who do firesides down her ran that one

1:39 PM their son commited suicide

from what i hear it was way powerful

friend: that's cool

me: cause the way i see it with sga there are two main challenges.

friend: wow

me: the obvious one is the temptation to go sleep with men

1:40 PM the second is the depression, and self hate that most of us feel, becuase everyone thinks we chose to bo this way and we're some sort of freak

you gotta overcome both of those

1:41 PM and i think the church members need to do a lot more to help kids with this.

friend: right

me: cuase not all of them make it out of it

friend: what can they do?

me: don't make it such a deseise

friend: ya

me: like my mom doesn't want my bro to be seen with his friend that deals with this

1:42 PM becuase then people with think my bro is gay

and seriously don't we need to cut the "that's so gay" jokes

i know i say them too

but it hurts people

friend: ya

1:43 PM i guess whenever I say "that's so gay" it doesn't man it's literally gay but rather "that's so stupid or dumb" u know

me: it really comes down to having our love of people overcome the sickenss people feel when they think about sga

and i know that. I can deal with it, but alot of peole can't

friend: ya

for sure

1:44 PM me: because the gay community says to people like me, come on we love you.

friend: ya thats lame

me: and sometimes it seems like the church membership says,
"get away you deviant"

1:45 PM friend: they problem they dont understand is that givin in to something like that is on the same level of badness as a man that has sex w/ women he's not married too

me: yeah, it just like adultry

not worse,

friend: ya i guess it's one thing that is super tough for people to understand

1:46 PM me: yeah, and i don't blame them. I know the idea grosses people out

friend: for sure

me: it'll take alot of doing for us to get where people feel comfortable around us

1:47 PM and i think part of it, may be people like me being open about it

friend: open about it but acknowledging that u aren't giving into it

1:48 PM me: yeah, and both the Sga people and the straight people need to realize its just part of the person

not the whole thing

friend: ya

me: so you don't want to be identified as "that gay guy"

but as Me

friend: but it's not like it's the kind of thing that hasn't been around for a long time tho u know

1:49 PM right

me: who plays frisbee,eats to much, loves mario kart, and is attracted to men.

you '

re right

i don't know why it is more of a problem now. Part of it is how big of a deal it is in society

friend: i think it has a bad rap especially is cuz of all the flamin gays that are just as bad or worse then the loudest anti gay lobbiest u know

1:50 PM me: oh yeah, i hear ya

those gusy suck

and they want to be seperate from everyone

they don't want to fit in

they're inspired by the devil.

1:51 PM friend: ya

and they give the rest of the group a bad name

me: for sure.

1:52 PM a guy last night compared it to adam and eve in the garden

After they ate the fruit, satan tried to shame them.

he told them to hide

friend: ya

me: then God told them to come forth

and not be proud of the transgression,

1:53 PM but not to be shamed into hiding either

both pride and shame don't work with this

even though for many it isn't a sin

friend: ya as long as they don't give in

1:54 PM me: yeah,

friend: just like if anyone has a bad thot

they can't let it remain in their mind

me: yeah, for sure

friend: gotta change what's goin on on the stage of their mind

1:55 PM me: yeah just like all those talks when we were teenagers

friend: cuz like in my situation, it's easy for me to think of what it would be like if (redacted) and I were married u know

and some of those thots r ok

me: yeah, but the ones that arouse stuff, you gotta put off

friend: some of them u shouldn't ponder much until ur married u know!

me: yeah

1:56 PM friend: ya

cuz u can't fulfill them so why waste ur time with them

me: yep. exactly

friend: it's like gettin all excited to go play some sport but knowing beforehand that u can't play

1:57 PM me: yeah, no need to do it

friend: no point in even gettin excited about it cuz it ain't happenin!

so we all have our temptations

me: yeah we do. they did talk a little about how marraige can work for us

that was cool, i wish they would have talked more.

1:58 PM friend: ya

maybe they've written more about it

me: basically, its a deal where you develop the relationship, and then the intimacy comes later

because you know the person so well.

friend: interesting

1:59 PM ya

me: kinda the reverse of how it can happen for you guys

i mean the desire for intamcy doesn't even come until you really know and care about the person

friend: for sure attraction comes first

the whole reason i ask a girl out in the beginning

me: yeah, you have the whole sexual tension thing

2:00 PM friend: always

lol

me: which is good, its there to make ya want to be with the women

friend: especially since (redacted) is a babe

me: yeah she is.

the SGA is almost always there for the whole life, so i can't expect it do leave,

but i can expect to manage it

2:01 PM my parents heard that part

i was glad for that

friend: interesting

2:03 PM get them on the same page as u

2:07 PM me: yeah, cause its hard for me to get through to them sometimes

like they just want to fix it for me, so they need to tell me instead of the other way around

not in a bad way, but its like that sometimes

2:08 PM so when they hear from stake presidents and bishops and stuff, it helps.

friend: ya i hear ya

me: plus the spirit was pretty strong last night

friend: just gotta understand that it's not something that u can just "fix"

2:09 PM me: yeah, it i thought I could grow outta it or pray and fast, but I think its my life long companion

friend: ya

me: but if God ever wants to take it fine with me

friend: tough but could b the case

2:10 PM haha

seriously

2:11 PM me: anyways, a really good thing overall. dude, you mind if I post this on my blog? i'll taek your name out

2:12 PM friend: which thing?

2:13 PM me: just our talk. i wanted to put a recap of the conference up. and i've said pretty much all of it here. It'd be on my secret blog, not this one

(redacted)

friend: that's fine

2:14 PM ya, without a name on it it can't do any harm

2:19 PM me: yeah, you know, i got a lot of that from yesterday

i'm feeling a ton more optomistic then i am sometimes

friend: good

2:20 PM plus, Brazil just won

3-0 baby

me: yeah buddy, they kiled them

2:22 PM friend: sweet

2:24 PM me: man, good stuff. i think i gotta talk to my siblings this week, and take things to the next level with that girl.

friend: u ready for this jiggs?

ur siblings dont know right?

2:25 PM and what's the next level with That girl brotha?

me: no they don't, but 7 people from (hometown) saw me that i know about. its better for me to tell them then the kid down the street

2:26 PM well probably being more serious, more date type things with (a certain girl)

friend: ya man, that's true

that's cool bro

i hope u guys enjoy it!

2:27 PM me: yeah, it'll be fun.

friend: u got anything planned right now?

2:28 PM me: no, she has really wanted to watch this chick flick, so i guess that'll be on for tomorrow after instittue

friend: haha

2:29 PM ya bro

gotta hit it up!

maybe a little fun snugglage

dont have to kiss her or anything

me: yeah, dude, i might try it. who konws

friend: just maybe some side body contact!

gotta start somewhere!

me: yeah, can probably get that going

2:30 PM friend: geterdone son!

2:31 PM me: i'll let you know how it goes

friend: ok doke

get some work in now

me: k, good talking to ya

friend: aight

take it easy

lata

2:32 PM me: cya

2010-08-22T13:49:00.001-07:00

Put job 19:25-26 on my tombstone

2010-08-15T12:49:00.001-07:00

Just got called to be fireside guy in my ward. Interesting opportunities

The Time Travel Travesty

2010-08-12T16:34:00.000-07:00

One of the staples of Science Fiction is Time Travel. You know how it goes: Captain Kirk goes back in time and Falls in love with a girl who has to die or Hitler wins WWII. Or Marty McFly goes back in time, and messes things up, so his parents don’t get married. He spends the rest of the story trying to get them back together.

The main focus of these stories is almost always getting things back to normal. A sort of time travel directive where nothing may change. Minimal interference. Essentially the “Leave no trace” law of camping applied to chrono-jumps.

I think that sucks.

For two reasons. The first is fairly simple. We’ve just spent an hour or two of our lives and all that happened the status quo was preserved. The only people who know anything happened are the time travelers.

The Second is a little more complex. One of the best parts of a story are the characters. Those poor souls whose life plays out for us in the stage of our mind. Going through pain and suffering to bring us enjoyment. Like imaginary gladiators, they fight through trials, and oppositions, and we live it through them. It just hit me today, while watching Shred Forever, the fourth movie in the Shrek Franchise .( Time Travel is essentially make believe genocide.

Warning: Here there be Spoilers

While not technically time travel, Shrek Forever deals with changes in the timeline. Shrek starts the movie happily married with triplets. (kids, not wives) But very soon he has a midlife crisis. Things aren’t as good as they used to be. No one is scared of him anymore, he doesn’t even feel like an ogre.

Shrek and the Family

Enter Rumpelstiltskin. A crafty little bugger who tricks Shrek into trading a day for a day. Shrek gets a day as an free, feared ogre, but Rumpelstiltskin gets a day from Shrek’s Past. Good ol’ Shrek doesn’t think anything of it, but soon realizes he has given up the day he was born. So after his day as an ogre is over, he won’t exist. But he does discover one catch. If he can find loves true kiss before the day ends, things go back to normal.

Well, that’s no easy. Fiona, his wife in the original timeline., has become a Man Hater, Amazon Queen who leads an army of Ogres against King Rumpelstiltskin and his horde of witches. We get to meet a ton of new ogres including a cook who serves chimichangas at the battle. And we meet donkey, who has forgotten Shrek and pulls a Cart around every day. Plus we meet Puss in Boots, but he is more Garfield than warrior. He’s put on a weight and lives a Fiona’s pretty kitty.

Donkey and Puss have some of the most growth in the Story. They go from the everyday “man” trying to do his job, to heroes, risking their lives for their friends. And the army of ogres is full of ogres of honor.

But in the end, after Shrek finally gets the smooch from Fiona, we see each one of our new friends slowly disappear, even Fiona, who is much more interesting as a warrior princess, fades to nothing. They no longer exist.

Not only are they gone, but their deaths are not even honored. Shrek appears back with his wife, and all is well. He doesn’t seem to grieve the loss of his ogre brethren or the warrior wife he had to woo all over, or his new donkey friend. He just happily goes along with his old life.

And we’re left, with an entire world silenced. The characters we’ve cared about killed, and no one cares.

Time travel truly is a holocaust. Its time storytellers treated it as such.

Picture of me

2010-08-12T07:04:00.001-07:00

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GlassGiant.com

My New Friend

2010-08-09T22:24:00.000-07:00

My New Friend

I just met one of the coolest kids in the world Paul Ficklin.

Paul lives in Oregon with his mother. He’s 15, trying to figure out life, and just told his best friend that he is gay. Oh yeah, one more thing Paul is LDS.

I found Paul in the pages of John Langford’s book, “No Going Back.” And just so you know, minor spoilers followed by major spoilers below

I love this book. Paul leapt off the pages to me, and became a real person. He deals with the issues a sophomore in high school has, plus the added problems that he is gay, and the even more complex issues that arise when he attempts to reconcile his faith and orientation.

While I didn’t really come to terms with my same gender attraction until my 20’s Paul deals with all the issues I have, and many more, as he deals with the cut throat world of high school. The Gay-Straight alliance plays a part, as does his ward, bishop. Neither side is presented as perfect; in fact both are very flawed.

The story is told from many viewpoints and it works. We see how Paul’s mom, best friend, bishop, friends, and many others view Paul’s struggles.

I recommend this book to anyone that wants a panoramic look at how homosexuality affects LDS teens. Its available online at Amazon.com or you can order a e-book for only 2.99 and you can even read half of it for free online. No reason not to peruse this book.

http://zarahemlabooks.com/No-Going-Back-ISBN-978-0-9787971-9-5.htm

MAJOR SPOILERS FOLLOW

Paul and Chad (his best friend)’s relationship parallels mine with one of my good straight friends. Chad doesn’t know how to deal with Paul. On one hand, they have been friends since they were 8; on the other Paul is a “fag” as Chad describes it. The bittersweet relationship they have, and how Chad eventually comes to Paul’s rescue was a powerful testament to the love and acceptance we yearn for.

The title “No Going Back” refers to how Paul can never go back into the closet. How once he comes out, he is out. But I think it also refers to the growth Paul goes through. He gains a strong testimony of Christ that is able to carry him through the hatred he gets from his church when they find out, and the harassment he gets at school from the GSA members when he defends Mormonism.

Even though at the end, his father having disowned him, his Eagle Scout award denied him, his high school experience taken from him, and being forced to move just to have a normal life, Paul is broken. He is at the end of his rope. He has done all he can, but then God picks him up, energizes him and carries him on.

I wanted to cry for Paul. It didn’t seem fair, it wasn’t fair, but it was realistic. A gay Mormon who wants to be faithful is attacked from both sides, the Gay side tells him he is repressing himself, that he cannot find happiness without having sex with men—many in the church are afraid we will contaminate them. They see us as a perversion. We are left in the middle, with our love for God to carry us through.

I hope some of the spirit of this book comes through my essay. Just enough to get you to read it. Chances are, you know someone going through a similar trial, or may be yourself. This book is a great way to begin to know what its like.

Note: I'd rate the content PG-13 for for language and a sexual scene

2010-07-25T09:31:00.001-07:00

The price we said to get to know God was well worth it. -said by martin handcart pioneer

Viewpoint that deserves listening too

2010-07-08T17:30:00.000-07:00

Here are a couple videos I found on YouTube. Very interesting ideas. I think there is some truth here.

The Fireside--A Game Changer

2010-06-28T16:06:00.000-07:00

"Man, that guy has bleach blonde hair and a blue dress shirt. Just like Lance from church today. What is it with SGA guys and blue shirts and bleached hair anyway?" I thought as i parked my car to attend the Idaho Falls Fireside, held yesterday.

"Hey the woman with the guy is waving at me."

"OH Crap. That is Lance and his mom, dad and sister."

"I guess the Cat is out of the Bag"

Joy in the Journey--A Fireside put on by the East Idaho Stakes, was an uplifting experience. It also has changed my relationship with this issue. Before I was comfortable with people knowing about my challenges who also struggled, or were far away from my homeland. But this fireside was there, just a few miles from the homestead. But I'm glad I went.

After seeing Lance and his fam, i headed in the Stake Center adjacent to the temple. Making my way to the chapel I ran into another kid from the same street I grew up on. (Lance was the first). He wanted to know if this was the only fireside going on tonight. I told him, it was the only one I knew of. Then he offered, "I'm just here to listen to a friend's musical number."

Good for you Buddy.

Later on I saw my parents' stake president, and a member of the high council. I used to deliver newspapers to both. And the stake singles branch president. I'm only friends with 2 of his 6 kids, so no big deal.

But really it wasn't as big of a deal as I thought. Sure the idea the land of my near-nativity, being compromised by the secret i buried there so long ago was enough to get the nerves going, but I decided a year ago, before i went to my first Matis Fireside, that while I would prefer not to have everyone I know, know I'm attracted to men, I'm not going to let it keep me from getting support and giving support.

I went into the chapel looking around for other people i knew. Not sure what to do when I did run into them. Not seeing any others, i found a seat barely into the gym. As soon as I seated myself the program started. We sang, I need thee every hour and have a few opening remarks from Keving Lindley. Nothing really stood out to me there. Just typical stuff. Then I saw my parents come in and sit on teh far side of the gym. I had told them about the fireside, and they had wanted to come. I called them after I left for the fireside; they'd forgotten about it.

Anyway I was glad to see them. After Kevin told us where to break up, I went over to see my parents. By the time I got there, my mom was hugging Lance and talking to his family. Its no secret that Lance spent about 8 months living the lifestyle, and has just started trying to come back to the Church. He just graduated high school with my littlest brother. They've been friends, adn still are, even though they don't hang out alone much any more.

We left for your groups. My parents went to the leadership one, headed down to the Men's one.

I loved the Men's group. It started with a older gentlemen, who has been a stake pres, bishop, mission pres, yadda yadda. (I mean yadda in a respectful way). His son has been dealing with this a while. He said some good things, but seemed to keep his remarks very general. So general that sometimes I wasn't sure what he meant. But at the end when he had his wife read part of a letter from their son, i was touched. They have always loved their son, even when he was sowing his oats, and to see him returning to the fold touched me. His testimony was touching, and powerful.

The next speaker in the Men's group was a counselor from BYU-I. Where the former mission pres was very off the cuff, in the style of someone who has spoken to groups their whole life, the counselor read prepared remarks. He spoke of how sensitive our nature is as SGA members, and how we can be damaged by things that wouldn't normally hurt someone. He shared his love and spoke of our heart. How we can have a Heart of Anger, or Shame, or Fear, all responses to the challenge of SSA, but he finished with a Heart of Hope. How we can have that with our Lord Jesus.

That message was the change that went in me because of the fireside. I have had anger, shame, and fear hold a monopoly over my heart. But the fireside helped me find the heart of hope he spoke of.

We then moved on to the Q and A. Ty Mansfield and Kevin Lindley joined teh two speakers. Good questions. One was "What is our responsibility and what is God's in regards to SGA?"

I thought I knew the answer, we have to fight, and God has to redeem, save adn change.

Ty Answered that its different for each person. That we need to stay close and the Lord will let us know how we must deal with the challenge.

He was right. The Lord looketh on the inside of a man. He knows us, our trials, and if we are doing our best.

The counselor chimed in that the atonement is really needed by all.

A question posed about marriage. Ty recapped his courting and engagement to his wife. He also spoke of most of his friends who first are friends, then become intimate, and are able to have a wonderful life. based on Love, not attraction. He also spoke of Love, and how all love is Christ love, between man and women, and man and man. We just learn to express that love in the ways God wants.

The other point of the Q and A that interested me was when Lance asked "Can someone who has been immoral still go on a mission?"

The former mission president spoke to this one. He said, it depends, on how many partners and the length of time. He said if it has been one or two partners there is a good chance, but if it has been on going, they may be asked to serve a service mission, or as a ward missionary.

The Q and A ended too soon and we moved back to the chapel. I found my parents in the padded seats and sat with them. We had some pleasantries, don't quite remember what. But they seemed impressed with their session. They did talk about marriage, and finally were impressed that SGA doesn't just leave with marriage. We were able to have a good discussion about it. I've tried to tell them the same thing before, but I guess they needed to hear it from someone else. They also like some of the stuff that Steve said.

A musical number started off this session, called "You are Loved" The guy who performed it has a great voice and it was a good message. It was a little rough at parts. I could tell he was nervous, but his spirit shone through, and communicated the message of the piece.

Then Ty got up to speak. He had a good message. Got my dad to laugh. I loved his point comparing SGA to Adam and Eve partaking of the Fruit. Satan came and told them to hide. He worked through shame to keep them from progressing. To keep it in the dark. God called them out of shame and got them progressing again.

But were Adam and Eve proud they took the fruit? No, and Ty compared that to the whole gay pride movement. Really that was the message i found. We don't need to be ashamed of same gender attraction. And the culture of the church, and to be fair, the USA has pushed shame on us for so long. But at the same time, we shouldn't be prideful, and ignore the truths of God. It is a balance that I think is the key to finding joy in the journey.

Ty said alot of other things that escape me right now. It was a great talk. Glad I heard it.

The Stake President then gave some closing remarks. Brought up the Corinthians 6:

9 Know ye not that the unrighteous shall not inherit the kingdom of God? Be not deceived: neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor effeminate, nor abusers of themselves with mankind,

10 Nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners, shall inherit the kingdom of God.

11 And such were some of you: but ye are washed, but ye are sanctified, but ye are justified in the name of the Lord Jesus, and by the Spirit of our God.

His focus was how these saints had been these things, but they were washed by Jesus. How there is no hole so deep that we cannot climb out of it.

As soon as he was finished the guy next to me said, "oh S@@@ I've got to leave". Dunno what that was about.

We finished with Carry On. My Mom wanted to go with me, but I told her I was going to hang out for a bit. I wish I would have taken her up on that.

I finally made it home. Woke up this morning adn had a good breakfast chat with my parents about the fireside. It was really good.

------------------------------

Just a few more points

-I really felt that alot of the content was SGA 101, stuff I've heard already, but it was very good for the people who were learning for the first time about this stuff.

-A major push seemed to be members of the Church need to be more accepting of us. Not the life style, but of those who struggle. Excellent i say

-I really wish I'd seen teh Matis's in teh Family and Friends. That sounded Powerful

-I guess I need to talk to my family before they hear it from the kid down the street.

I'm blessed to have gone to the fireside. I loved it. I don't think i captured what happened in a way that gives is justice. I feel like my descriptions have been sloppy. I hope you can understand enough of it and feel the Spirit like I did last night.

2010-06-27T17:00:00.001-07:00

It hasn't even started and i ran into a family from my home ward. I knew this was a game changer when i decided to come

Hecka Sweet Fireside in Idaho Falls Coming Up

2010-06-25T09:14:00.001-07:00

Apologies for the Utah dialect in the title.

I'm sure most of you have heard by know about the fireside in Idaho Falls on Sunday night. (click her for all the info) Braveone is a major force behind it, I know the Matis's are involved somehow, and so is Ty Mansfield. Its a 60 stake fireside, and was approved by Kim Clark.

I'm sure my excitement comes from the fact that this is my home. Good old East Idaho. Land of my developement. Where my friend got cited for mooning from my car, where I went to school, graduated, and left for my mission; the place i first made friends, felt love, got in a wreck, felt depression, and realize I had a unique circumstance.

I love the Snake River Valley more than any other patch of ground on Earth. I love moving pipe on the banks of the river while the Sun rises. I love the desolation of the sage brush desert. I love the lava tubes, the sand dunes, the shooting ranges, and the river bottoms.

And the people, straight, direct, relaxed, plodding. Forgiving. Inviting. People care about strangers there. They say "hi" to unknowns, they don't deal with traffic issues, they live there because they love the land, and they love family.

It was also the place where my personal hell started.

That's why I'm excited about this conference. The Land I Love will get a "Matis Fireside on Steroids"

I've told about ten different Idaho Bishops about my same-gender-attraction, and SUPRISE, many of them were as clueless as I was. But growth and understanding is coming in the Church. My bishops were never mean, or hateful, or disgusted, but we both were confused, and frustrated.

In my view there is a tight rope trail being forged for faithful SGA saints. Those saints who fell the burning fire of faith in their hearts, who stick strictly to their covenants and believe in the validity of the Church and Gospel. On one side of the tight rope is the self hate, doubt, and depression we feel, because of the ignorance of the world at large. On the other is the pit of sliding apostasy, rationalization, and sin, fueled by these burning urges.

In the middle is the tight rope of faith and peace we can find as we stay faithful to our God, keep the covenants we have made with him, and overcome the doubt and depression and hate, with in and without.

This fireside has the opportunity to accomplish that. So shed light on that tightrope of faith. Help Latter-day Saints keep the balance they need, so they won't lose years or decades floundering between depression and apostasy. I hope it helps other young men of Idaho, find support from family and friends, and realize that "sweet is the peace the gospel brings"

Thank you so much to everyone involve. For so long the Adversary has used both sides of the tightrope to bring down the Sons and Daughters of the Lord. You are shaking the Adversary's grip he has on us, and that is why the opposition is so intense

j4k

You don't know what you've got til its gone

2010-06-25T07:53:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I wonder if my medication actually helps--its probably just sugar pills right?

Well I've been off it since Tuesday, and it sucks.

Can't wait for lunch when I finally get my prescription refilled.

sorry if I've been particularly dramatic the last few days.

An Experience I Heartily Reccomend

2010-06-21T08:50:00.000-07:00

Shakespeare: Sure he is a great play write, but for me he has always seemed to be full of baggage. Not his fault, but hundreds of years has added layers of dust to his plays. Dust of tradition, of propriety of "high" art.

To me, Shakespeare seemed like the type of thing you had on your bookshelf and spoke of at fancy parties with cheese and wine.

Well a group in Utah is shaking the dust of Shakespeare.

The Grassroots Shakespeare Company performs Shakespeare like they did back in the Bard's day. No extravagant sets, in fact the group makes due with many anachronistic props, but they realize the core of Shakespeare is his characters.

Actors in Old England usually only got their scripts a day or so before the play, and the scripts only had their lines with a the lines spoken before included. Audiences often wanted to attend the premiers because they discovered along with the actors the characters motivation.

Grassroots has similar scripts, they also have no director providing an overarching vision. The actors control their character and play him off the other characters.

All in all it makes for a very enjoyable performance. Romeo is played superbly, Juliet is the fairest maiden, and the nurse has a five o'clock shadow and accordian. The players clearly enjoy each other and are having fun. But their dedication to their craft makes this play truly enjoyable.

Tonight you have the opportunity to see Romeo and Juliet in one of the most unique venues in Provo. The Castle, located behind the State Hospital in Provo, is a mammoth rock structure with a amphitheater. Its truly one of the seven wonders of Provo.

Shows are at 7:00 and 9:00, admission is pay what you will. For FHE or just a fun night, give the Bard a chance.

(The play runs through July 5th in Various Utah Locations. Click Here for more info --------------- Click here for directions to the castle

Coincidence?

2010-06-13T22:12:00.001-07:00

Just a quick note. The Matis fireside tonight was on self esteem. It was good, even if it was a little dry. Basically it was about how and were we get our feelings of self worth.

Anyways, I just got back from giving a blessing to a friend; the reason she wanted a blessing?

Self Esteem issues.

Coincidence that was the topic tonight--I don't think so.

God does live, and has a hand in our lives.

j4k

To the Girl Who Likes me

2010-06-12T17:16:00.000-07:00

Hi, wow, this is awkward. But hey, just want to get my thoughts and feelings out there. So it turns out I'm not blind, or daft. But I do recognize your flirtations, your advances, and yes I do get your not so subtle hints sent through our common friends. You like me.

You like me not in the "lets watch a movie, get some grub, and dance to the jukebox" way, no its the, "I think I could see us having a intimate relationship, falling in love, getting married and have 13 kids way."

And to be honest. You have all the important things I want in a wife. You have a strong testimony, you even work at the temple once a week. You have a passion for life. No mindless TV for you on a Saturday night. You have freckles, but not to many. Its like miniature unicorn kitten hybrids danced on your face when you were born. Well that's weird, but you like my weirdness. And that's cool.

In face for an old fart like me to be blessed with someone like you to even give me the time of day, is pretty amazing, some may say miraculous. I feel for you. I hate that you are in pain becuase of your long time single. I hate the guy who broke up with you last April, for hurting you.

So last December after we went on our only date, I decided on a goal. I decided to make you one of my best friends. You see, that's really the only way a relationship can work for me. Its got to start internally and then become physical. You see, for the longest time I've only been sexually attracted to other men. And that is still the case, But in God's grace, I have developed limited female attraction. Enough that a deep part of me hopes things could work out. That we could have a life together. We could have kids, a house, a dog, family night, vacations, graduations, weddings, and grandchildren. All the riches of the world, or the ones we both want.

They are all in my grasp. If I just pursue it.

But when I get to this point, the thoughts come. Dark, depressing, suffocating thoughts.

Don't you deserve a man, a real, whole man who can satisfy you carnally?

Won't it hurt you when you find out the only man who would commit to you is gay?

What would you think, if I revealed everything to you?

Could we really make it work? Down through the ages?

Am I strong enough to keep my vows?

These thoughts and many others careen around my head like pinballs.

Really I do care about you. I want you to be happy. I know many of those thoughts come from fear, depression, others who may or may not have my best interests at heart, but they are what keeps me from reciprocating your advances. What keeps my from moving to the next step.

I need to take the leap. You can make your own informed decision, for while I have some flaws, there must be things you see in me that make me worth it. I think I'm coming to the point where I can try. I hope you don't runaway while I tear down these castle walls, I've built for myself.

I'm coming. Please wait.

2010-05-19T21:45:00.001-07:00

Faith in Christ can sweep our guilt away and sins away. (see enos)

What

2010-05-17T15:57:00.000-07:00

You know, a lot of people view the guillotine as some sort of barbaric torture device. It’s quite a simple machine really, a large metal blade suspended in a wooden frame waiting to be release so gravity can drive it down into the neck of the waiting soon-to-be corpse. There is a thud, and—well you get the idea. After all, the guillotine only plays a small part in our story. A much larger role is played by a teenage boy, a certain kitten, and the boy’s mother.

I must confess, I am the teenage boy. We always seemed to have a surplus of cats growing up. Not that I minded. It started shortly after we moved into our house located on the edge of town a street that is now, as it was then, a farmer’s field. I remember we kids begging the parents for a cat. Our old one had come on the move with us, but decided she preferred her previous home and left. I was about eight. Dad called us all in for a family meeting. We had just gotten a new Siamese cat, and needed a name. My siblings and I thought long and hard, suggesting many names, finally deciding on Black Paw. An amazingly original name if I’ve ever heard one.

Black Paw was a normal enough cat. She ate mice, left mice as gifts for her masters and fought off dogs neighbor dogs when they’d come after her litter. We, her diminutive masters, took great care of her, lugging her around the yard, taking her bungee jumping off the fort, and even baptizing her in a puddle after a rain storm. We may have been a little rough on her, but we didn’t know it at the time—well, we might have known, but we didn’t hate her, we were just young boys. Anyways Black Paw didn’t seem to mind and she always kept us in with a fresh supply of kittens. However the never ending stream of kittens, from Black Paw and her successors was the problem. We just didn’t know it.

Through the years, our family grew to five boys and one girl, the house grew to accommodate and the litters grew. We pick up our story again when I was the oldest boy at home, after my older brother had left to play ball at the College of Southern Idaho. The matriarchal line of our kittens was unbroken. Foxes, disease, and old age took some of the cats, but we always replaced them. Our names got better as well. We had, What, Akomode, Anakin 1,2 and 3, Fatso and The Cat That Threw Up, among many others.

The best part of having so many cats was there was always one around to grab and hold. One night I grabbed What and headed down to the basement to watch a movie. While I was sitting in the beanbag, rubbing What’s belly I felt a sticky liquid. It pooled up in my hand. What was salivating, and not just a little, it was like a spigot had been turned on. I quickly wiped my hand on the beanbag, took What outside, and returned with Meow Meow, selecting a different chair. My brother came down and was excited to see the vacant beanbag. He launched himself quickly into the beanbag, and—well lets move on; he’s just a minor character.

The problems weren’t just confined to What. We had other cats with problems, none as bad as the continual salivating. One would per as loud as an engine, but only when he as mad. One had a leg about twice as long as the others, but soon died. As best as we can tell, the same tomcat had been the father, for so many generations the DNA got all screwy. Whether or not that is the case we had some messed up cats. What had her first litter shortly after she turned on her mouth faucet most of them were stillborn.

What got worse. When I picked her up her hair would fall out. The drool as so incessant holding her was a chore. Then tumors started showing up. By this time What had another litter of kittens in her. She was clearly in pain. My heart ached as she tried to move around and get food. I knew she wasn’t well.

It was a fall afternoon. I came home from football practice and walked into the kitchen. Mom was standing there, her normally cheerful face creased with lines. But at least she was still making some yummy cookies. She told me What had tried to go into labor, but a tumor had kept the kittens from exiting. It was sick. I didn’t want to go anywhere near that cat. I wanted to throw up when I got close, and could see the fetus’ head sticking out. Then Mom told me that I needed to take care of it.

Me? Why not Dad? Why can’t we just take her to the vet? Why was Mom, who wouldn’t let me take hunter’s education, asking me to kill my cat? I guess, because I was the oldest home. I was the man of the house. The one who did what had to be done. Dad was out of town and this needed to be taken care of now, before the younger kids saw her. I’d never felt that responsibility before. I’d never felt like I was where the bucked stopped. But that day it did.

“It’s time,” she said. I was left, not only to do the deed, but to figure out how. I looked down at What. How do you kill your pet? Maybe I’d drive out to the Arco Desert, and leave her. She would be dead in a day or two. It’d be easy. I looked down at her. Two days was too long. A bag! Yes I’d get an old potato sack, put rocks in it, and throw What into the river behind our house. But drowning? I looked at what. I picked her up. I didn’t care about the saliva that got all over my arms. I could tell she was in pain. We didn’t own a gun. I thought about getting my friends and shooting her, but what if I missed? What if she didn’t die right away? I needed to honor What in the way I ended her life. She needed to know that her master wasn’t looking for the easy way, but for the best way.

Then I remembered something I learned at school. The guillotine was actually a revolution in execution. People look at it as and think its dreadful, but in a time when one might be drawn and quartered, or burnt at the stake, the guillotine offered a quick death, with only a split second of pain.

I looked at What in my arms. I carried her with me as I went to get the shovel. Then I carried her to our back berm and dug her grave. I picked What up, stroked her a few last times, and placed her on her back, looking up at me. I said a few words, placed the shovel where it needed to go, and pressed down hard.

I felt strange walking back to the house. I don’t know how one should feel after putting down their pet. Somber, morose, come close. There was also a sense of honor that I had taken care of my pet. I didn’t leave it to some veterinarian. Nor did I abandon her in a hopeless situation. I knew what needed to be done, and I did it the best I could.

I didn’t talk much the rest of the day. I didn’t go down the basement to play Nintendo with my brothers. Mom told the other kids what had happened. And while I missed What, I remember sleeping well that night

New friend

2010-05-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

Not really, i added another straight guy to my group who knows. Went well. He's a good friend, i find the more people I tell the less power I give SGA to make me feel like crap.

2010-04-25T21:48:00.001-07:00

Today was a reminder that God knows me and has a plan.

2010-04-20T22:02:00.001-07:00

Every good gift comes from Christ

How Can I Expect Them to do in Four Months What took Me Eleven Years.

2010-04-19T21:57:00.000-07:00

Eleven years. That is the time between when I first allowed the thought, “Am I Gay?” and when I finally got the courage to tell my parents.. I still remember, I was on my mission in Virginia, and Elder S. and I were wrestling. There was an incident, (yeah, you know what I’m talking about) and I was mortified. I told the mission president at my next interview, spent time wondering when I would be condemned to Hell, expecting the mountains to fall on me. After I finally got it out, our lovely old president, hugged me, said he loved me, and set up an appointment to see a counselor with a LDS Family Services therapist. The counselor had dealt with this before. We had about a two-hour meeting, in which he asked me a series of fifteen questions to determine if I was gay. Afterwards he pronounced me straight. I met with him several more times. I went on my way, enjoying the mission. I remember my eyes constantly scanning for hot guys. I remember during a windstorm worrying about dying condemned. I continued to be frustrated by my urges and preoccupations.

I came home, went to I-Y and yo-yoed between being happy go lucky RM and basket case waiting for a house of cards to fall down. Truth be told I wasn’t really doing anything heinous, but I felt it, every time I checked out a guy, and when I went to interviews. I didn’t always label it gay, in fact I started to call it OCD. Obviously I always thought about guys because of a mental disorder.

I dealt with several Bishops and therapists during my time in Rexburg. They had differing takes on what I was experiencing. It didn’t help that I didn’t use language that conveyed romantic feelings. While their takes were different, their love for me was a constant between them. The Bishops, confused as they were, cried with me, and saw my eternal potential. We muddled through the confusion together. I’m grateful for their friendship.

The counselors also had different ideas, but the key I took from them was to continue building good things in my life. Don’t obsess over that lack of female attraction. Build a life, filled with love and service. While I haven’t done that perfectly, I think it was inspired advice.

Now this isn’t supposed to be a full review of my past decade or so on this earth. Eventually I moved to Provo, and still went back and forth on the whole, gay vs. OCD debate. Depression was huge, I saw more counselors. Finally, almost a year ago to the day, I posted a question on the 100 Hour Board at BYU. I told of my loneliness and despair, and wondered how I could go it alone. From that I was led to NorthStar and the Matis firesides, and have made some good friends that I can rely on.

And I have begun to confide in friends and families of my struggles. First I told my best friend from high school. Then my parents, and then Dan, a great friend I have written about before. As in the past their responses have been different, but supportive nonetheless.

Which finally brings me to the point of all this. My mother called me today. She is a great lady. Telling her and my dad was one of the best things I could do. She has been pushing me very strong to get married. And I want to get married so badly. When I see my nephew and nieces I ache for the chance to have a family, and I know she aches for me too. I have gotten to the point where I just agree with her marriage pep talks and leave it at that.

Well today she finally came to the realization of something that took me eleven years to come to. She had been reading a book by Shari Dew, and realized that Sister Dew isn’t the “typical Mormon”. But she has steal led a life of faith, and has been an example to so many in the world. My mom said, “Jake, if you don’t get married you can steal live a life of good, filled with service and love.” It meant so much to me. To see my mom has come to the same place that I am after only four months of dealing with my same gender attraction. I haven’t given up on marriage. Ty’s recent engagement give many of us hope, but I have realized if it comes it’ll be on the Lord’s time. And so has my mom.

So often we are frustrated when those who know about our same gender attraction, or homosexuality, or whatever word you use to describe it, don’t immediately come to the same realizations and attitudes that we have. This is folly. It took me, seeing hot guys, and wanting them daily, eleven years to come to terms with it. How can I get frustrated when it takes those I love some times to grasp it. How can I get mad at them for having attitudes that I had in my own life. How can I use my same gender attraction as a wedge between the dearest people to me on earth, because they, who are not constantly reminded of the trial, take time to get used to it? I could withdraw hoping they would see my withholding of friendship as a sign and take their lumps, swallow their pride, and conform to my worldview, or I can continue to love them. Build on the common life we have shared, and show mercy to people who struggle like I did for eleven years.

I choose to keep the connections open. I love them, and we can disagree without being disagreeable, keeping those bonds of loved that formed in the womb, and on the knee, and in the backyard, strong.

I doubt I’ll ever regret doing so.

Matis Fireside This Sunday

2010-04-09T08:22:00.000-07:00

Sunday--Sunday SUNDAY

This Sunday is the Monthly Matis Fireside. These meetings are great. One hug from Brother or Sister Matis and you'll fell love like you've never felt before. Great chance to see other members of the Church who share the many of the same questions and feelings you may have with same gender attraction. These firesides have been a great relief from the stress of life for me over the past year.

This month they have a guy Jordon Jantz from the Portland Oregon area coming. He is a recent LDS convert, and formerly lived a gay lifestyle. I've heard him described as rough around the edges but with a heart of gold. Looks to be good.

The fireside is April 11th at 7:00 pm the driving directions are below.

Driving Instructions

1. Drive on I 15 (South if coming from north of Lehi or North of coming from

South of Lehi).

2. Turn East off of I 15 on to highway 92 ( Alpine /Highland road at

Thanksgiving Point) .
3. Turn right (south) at the second stop light (Center street-3200 North).

4.Drive south down Center past the Ivory Ridge complex on your left.

5. Continue through the round about at 3200 North , Center St).

6. On the left hand side of Center you will see the Chapel
7. Park in the second drive way.

8. There are several chapels in the area. Don't be confused. The chapel you want is the 28th Ward chapel on Center St- 3200 North.

New Mormon Clasics 4.1 Best Conference Talk for SGA Men

2010-04-01T12:37:00.001-07:00

New Mormon Classics 4.1, the definitive LDS talk on Same Gender Attraction

This is one of my favorites. It really helps us see why this happened, and what we should do about it. If you still have questions after this you're out of hope.

Click for link

New Mormon Classics #4 Hearts Bound Together-Elder Eyring

2010-03-22T13:20:00.000-07:00

I am a sentimental fool, I think that is why I love to hear stories about my ancestors. I love to feel connected to a bigger family. At the same time, I don't do genealogy at all. I've never really gotten into it, but Elder Eyrings remarks get me excited about it. I love the doctrine of proxy temple work.

Hearts Bound Together

Elder Henry B. Eyring
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Click for audio

When you were baptized, your ancestors looked down on you with hope. ... They rejoiced to see one of their descendants make a covenant to find them.

Henry B. Eyring, "Hearts Bound Together," Ensign, May 2005, 77
My message is to those who are converts to the Church. More than half the members of the Church today chose to be baptized after the age of eight. So you are not the exception in the Church. To you I wish to say how much the Lord loves you and trusts you. And, even more, I wish to tell you how much He depends on you.

You felt His love at least to some degree when you were baptized. Years ago I took a young man, 20 years of age, into the waters of baptism. My companion and I had taught him the gospel. He was the first in his family to hear the message of the restored gospel. He asked to be baptized. The testimony of the Spirit made him want to follow the example of the Savior, who was baptized by John the Baptist even though He was without sin.

As I brought that young man up out of the waters of baptism, he surprised me by throwing his arms around my neck and whispering in my ear, tears streaming down his face, "I'm clean, I'm clean." That same young man, after we laid our hands on his head with the authority of the Melchizedek Priesthood and conferred on him the Holy Ghost, said to me, "When you spoke those words, I felt something like fire go down from the top of my head through my body, all the way to my feet."

Your experience will have been unique to you, but to some degree you felt the magnitude of the blessing which came to you. Since then, you have felt the reality of the promises made to you and the promises you made. You have felt the cleansing that came from your baptism, because of the Atonement of Jesus Christ. And you have felt the change in your heart as the Holy Ghost has become your companion. Your desires have begun to change.

When someone tells me that he or she is a convert to the Church, I ask, "Has anyone else in your family accepted the gospel?" When the answer is "Yes," there follows an excited description of the happy miracle in the life of a parent or a brother or sister or a grandparent. There is joy in knowing that someone in his or her family is sharing the blessing and the happiness. When the answer is "No, so far I am the only member," he or she will almost always speak of parents, saying something like this, "No, not yet. But I am still trying." And you can tell from the sound in the voice that the convert will never stop trying, not ever.

The Lord knew you would have those feelings when He allowed you to receive the covenants which are blessing your life. He knew you would feel a desire for your family to share the blessings you felt coming into the Church. Even more, He knew how that desire would increase when you came to know the joy of the promises He makes to us in sacred temples. There, for those who qualify, He lets us make covenants with Him. We promise to obey His commandments. And He promises us, if we are faithful, that we may live with Him in glory in families forever in the world to come.

In His loving-kindness, He knew you would have a desire to be bound forever to your parents and their parents. You may have had a grandfather like mine, who always seemed to treasure my visits. I thought I was his favorite grandchild until my cousins told me they felt the same way. He is gone now. All my grandparents and their ancestors have died. Many of your ancestors died never having the chance to accept the gospel and to receive the blessings and promises you have received. The Lord is fair and He is loving. And so He prepared for you and me a way for us to have the desire of our hearts to offer to our ancestors all the blessings He has offered us.

The plan to make that possible has been in place from the beginning. The Lord gave promises to His children long ago. The very last book of the Old Testament is the book of the prophet Malachi. And the last words are a sweet promise and a stern warning:

"Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord:

"And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children, and the heart of the children to their fathers, lest I come and smite the earth with a curse." 1

Some of those words are crucial to understand. The great and dreadful day of the Lord is the end of the world. Jehovah, the Messiah, will come in glory. The wicked will all be destroyed. We live in the last days. Time could be running out for us to do what we have promised to do.

It is important to know why the Lord promised to send Elijah. Elijah was a great prophet with great power given him by God. He held the greatest power God gives to His children: he held the sealing power, the power to bind on earth and have it bound in heaven. God gave it to the Apostle Peter. And the Lord kept His promise to send Elijah. Elijah came to the Prophet Joseph Smith on April 3, 1836, just after the dedication of the Kirtland Temple, the first temple built after the Restoration of the gospel. Joseph described the sacred moment:

"Another great and glorious vision burst upon us; for Elijah the prophet, who was taken to heaven without tasting death, stood before us, and said:

"Behold, the time has fully come, which was spoken of by the mouth of Malachi—testifying that he [Elijah] should be sent, before the great and dreadful day of the Lord come—

"To turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the children to the fathers, lest the whole earth be smitten with a curse—

"Therefore, the keys of this dispensation are committed into your hands; and by this ye may know that the great and dreadful day of the Lord is near, even at the doors." 2

As you came into the Church, you have felt your heart being turned toward family, both those who are living and those who are in the spirit world. The Lord provided another vision to help you know what to do with those feelings.

After Joseph Smith, the Lord called other prophets to lead His Church. One was Joseph F. Smith. He saw in vision what happened in the spirit world when the Savior appeared there between the time of His death and His Resurrection. 3 President Smith saw the joy of the spirits when they learned that the Savior had broken the bands of death and because of His Atonement they could be resurrected. And he saw the Savior organize His servants among the spirits to preach His gospel to every spirit and offer the chance to choose the covenants and the blessings which are offered to you and which you want for your ancestors. All are to have that chance.

President Smith also saw the leaders the Savior called to take the gospel to Heavenly Father's children in the spirit world. He named some of them: Father Adam, Mother Eve, Noah, Abraham, Ezekiel, Elijah, prophets we know from the Book of Mormon, and some from the last days, including Joseph Smith, Brigham Young, John Taylor, and Wilford Woodruff. Think of the power of those missionaries to teach the gospel and to touch the hearts of your ancestors. It is not surprising that Wilford Woodruff said while he lived that he believed few, if any, of the ancestors of the Latter-day Saints in the spirit world would choose to reject the message of salvation when they heard it. 4

Many of your deceased ancestors will have received a testimony that the message of the missionaries is true. When you received that testimony you could ask the missionaries for baptism. But those who are in the spirit world cannot. The ordinances you so cherish are offered only in this world. Someone in this world must go to a holy temple and accept the covenants on behalf of the person in the spirit world. That is why we are under obligation to find the names of our ancestors and ensure that they are offered by us what they cannot receive there without our help.

For me, knowing that turns my heart not only to my ancestors who wait but to the missionaries who teach them. I will see those missionaries in the spirit world, and so will you. Think of a faithful missionary standing there with those he has loved and taught who are your ancestors. Picture as I do the smile on the face of that missionary as you walk up to him and your ancestors whom he converted but could not baptize or have sealed to family until you came to the rescue. I do not know what the protocol will be in such a place, but I imagine arms thrown around your neck and tears of gratitude.

If you can imagine the smile of the missionary and your ancestor, think of the Savior when you meet Him. You will have that interview. He paid the price of the sins of you and all of Heavenly Father's spirit children. He is Jehovah. He sent Elijah. He conferred the powers of the priesthood to seal and to bless out of perfect love. And He has trusted you by letting you hear the gospel in your lifetime, giving you the chance to accept the obligation to offer it to those of your ancestors who did not have your priceless opportunity. Think of the gratitude He has for those who pay the price in work and faith to find the names of their ancestors and who love them and Him enough to offer them eternal life in families, the greatest of all the gifts of God. He offered them an infinite sacrifice. He will love and appreciate those who paid whatever price they could to allow their ancestors to choose His offer of eternal life.

Because your heart has already been turned, the price may not seem high. You begin by doing simple things. Write down what you already know about your family. You will need to write down the names of parents and their parents with the dates of birth or death or marriage. When you can, you will want to record the places. Some of that you will know from memory. But you can also ask relatives. They may even have some certificates of births, marriages, or deaths. Make copies and organize them. If you learn stories about their lives, write them down and keep them. You are not just gathering names. Those you never met in life will become friends you love. Your heart will be bound to theirs forever.

You can start searching in the first few generations going back in time. From that you will identify many of your ancestors who need your help. Someone in your own ward or branch of the Church has been called to help you prepare those names for the temple. There they can be offered the covenants which will free them from their spirit prisons and bind them in families—your family—forever.

Your opportunities and the obligations they create are remarkable in the whole history of the world. There are more temples across the earth than there have ever been. More people in all the world have felt the Spirit of Elijah move them to record the identities and facts of their ancestors' lives. There are more resources to search out your ancestors than there have ever been in the history of the world. The Lord has poured out knowledge about how to make that information available worldwide through technology that a few years ago would have seemed a miracle.

With those opportunities there comes greater obligation to keep our trust with the Lord. Where much is given, much is required. 5 After you find the first few generations, the road will become more difficult. The price will become greater. As you go back in time, the records become less complete. As others of your family search out ancestors, you will discover that the ancestor you find has already been offered the full blessings of the temple. Then you will have a difficult and important choice to make. You will be tempted to stop and leave the hard work of finding to others who are more expert or to another time in your life. But you will also feel a tug on your heart to go on in the work, hard as it will be.

As you decide, remember that the names which will be so difficult to find are of real people to whom you owe your existence in this world and whom you will meet again in the spirit world. When you were baptized, your ancestors looked down on you with hope. Perhaps after centuries, they rejoiced to see one of their descendants make a covenant to find them and to offer them freedom. In your reunion, you will see in their eyes either gratitude or terrible disappointment. Their hearts are bound to you. Their hope is in your hands. You will have more than your own strength as you choose to labor on to find them.

A few nights ago I had a dream. I saw a piece of white paper with a name on it I did not know and a date I could only partially read. I got up and went to the records of my family. The last name on the slip of paper is from a line which came into my mother's ancestry 300 years ago in a place called Eaton Bray. Someone is anxious for a long wait to end. I have not yet found that person. But I have found again the assurance that a loving God sends help in answer to prayer in this sacred work of redeeming our families, which is His work and His glory and to which we have pledged our hearts. I so testify, in the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

Lonely Much? NMC #3 Elder Holland

2010-03-17T09:42:00.000-07:00

I got the idea to review talks from the last fifteen years or so after my bishop challenged us to do things to keep the Spirit with us as we prepared for conference. If you remember on your missions how distractions always seem to come when the Spirit was most powerful. Well temptations also come before powerful spiritual experiences. This is an attempt to keep the Spirit with me so I can be ready for personal revelation when conference comes.

Elder Holland's talk is directed to the lonely, the outcast. I remember listening to this while walking the Provo River Trail. The Lord knows us, He knows how alone we feel. I'd recommend listening to Elder Holland give this talk. Its powerful.

Elder Holland-None Were With Him. April 2009

Click for Text

New Mormon Classics #2 The Challenge to Become-Elder Oaks

2010-03-16T08:08:00.000-07:00

I was on my mission serving in Blacksburg Virginia when I first heard this talk. The core message that the gospel is more than just a set of checklists resonated with me. Our challenge is to become something, to be converted, to be finished.

The Challenge to Become

click for audio

Elder Dallin H. Oaks
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

"In contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something."

The Apostle Paul taught that the Lord's teachings and teachers were given that we may all attain "the measure of the stature of the fulness of Christ" (Eph. 4:13). This process requires far more than acquiring knowledge. It is not even enough for us to be convinced of the gospel; we must act and think so that we are converted by it. In contrast to the institutions of the world, which teach us to know something, the gospel of Jesus Christ challenges us to become something.

Many Bible and modern scriptures speak of a final judgment at which all persons will be rewarded according to their deeds or works or the desires of their hearts. But other scriptures enlarge upon this by referring to our being judged by the condition we have achieved.

The prophet Nephi describes the Final Judgment in terms of what we have become: "And if their works have been filthiness they must needs be filthy; and if they be filthy it must needs be that they cannot dwell in the kingdom of God" (1 Ne. 15:33; emphasis added). Moroni declares, "He that is filthy shall be filthy still; and he that is righteous shall be righteous still" (Morm. 9:14; emphasis added; see also Rev. 22:11-12; 2 Ne. 9:16; D&C 88:35). The same would be true of "selfish" or "disobedient" or any other personal attribute inconsistent with the requirements of God. Referring to the "state" of the wicked in the Final Judgment, Alma explains that if we are condemned by our words, our works, and our thoughts, "we shall not be found spotless; . . . and in this awful state we shall not dare to look up to our God" (Alma 12:14).

From such teachings we conclude that the Final Judgment is not just an evaluation of a sum total of good and evil acts--what we have done. It is an acknowledgment of the final effect of our acts and thoughts--what we have become. It is not enough for anyone just to go through the motions. The commandments, ordinances, and covenants of the gospel are not a list of deposits required to be made in some heavenly account. The gospel of Jesus Christ is a plan that shows us how to become what our Heavenly Father desires us to become.

A parable illustrates this understanding. A wealthy father knew that if he were to bestow his wealth upon a child who had not yet developed the needed wisdom and stature, the inheritance would probably be wasted. The father said to his child:

"All that I have I desire to give you--not only my wealth, but also my position and standing among men. That which I have I can easily give you, but that which I am you must obtain for yourself. You will qualify for your inheritance by learning what I have learned and by living as I have lived. I will give you the laws and principles by which I have acquired my wisdom and stature. Follow my example, mastering as I have mastered, and you will become as I am, and all that I have will be yours."

This parable parallels the pattern of heaven. The gospel of Jesus Christ promises the incomparable inheritance of eternal life, the fulness of the Father, and reveals the laws and principles by which it can be obtained.

We qualify for eternal life through a process of conversion. As used here, this word of many meanings signifies not just a convincing but a profound change of nature. Jesus used this meaning when he taught His chief Apostle the difference between a testimony and a conversion. Jesus asked his disciples, "Whom do men say that I the Son of man am?" (Matt. 16:13). Next He asked, "But whom say ye that I am?

"And Simon Peter answered and said, Thou art the Christ, the Son of the living God.

"And Jesus answered and said unto him, Blessed art thou, Simon Bar-jona: for flesh and blood hath not revealed it unto thee, but my Father which is in heaven" (Matt. 16:15-17).

Peter had a testimony. He knew that Jesus was the Christ, the promised Messiah, and he declared it. To testify is to know and to declare.

Later on, Jesus taught these same men about conversion, which is far more than testimony. When the disciples asked who was the greatest in the kingdom of heaven, "Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them,

"And said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven.

"Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven" (Matt. 18:2-4; emphasis added).

Later, the Savior confirmed the importance of being converted, even for those with a testimony of the truth. In the sublime instructions given at the Last Supper, He told Simon Peter, "I have prayed for thee, that thy faith fail not: and when thou art converted, strengthen thy brethren" (Luke 22:32).

In order to strengthen his brethren--to nourish and lead the flock of God--this man who had followed Jesus for three years, who had been given the authority of the holy apostleship, who had been a valiant teacher and testifier of the Christian gospel, and whose testimony had caused the Master to declare him blessed still had to be "converted."

Jesus' challenge shows that the conversion He required for those who would enter the kingdom of heaven (see Matt. 18:3) was far more than just being converted to testify to the truthfulness of the gospel. To testify is to know and to declare. The gospel challenges us to be "converted," which requires us to do and to become. If any of us relies solely upon our knowledge and testimony of the gospel, we are in the same position as the blessed but still unfinished Apostles whom Jesus challenged to be "converted." We all know someone who has a strong testimony but does not act upon it so as to be converted. For example, returned missionaries, are you still seeking to be converted, or are you caught up in the ways of the world?

The needed conversion by the gospel begins with the introductory experience the scriptures call being "born again" (e.g., Mosiah 27:25; Alma 5:49; John 3:7; 1 Pet. 1:23). In the waters of baptism and by receiving the gift of the Holy Ghost, we become the spiritual "sons and daughters" of Jesus Christ, "new creatures" who can "inherit the kingdom of God" (Mosiah 27:25-26).

In teaching the Nephites, the Savior referred to what they must become. He challenged them to repent and be baptized and be sanctified by the reception of the Holy Ghost, "that ye may stand spotless before me at the last day" (3 Ne. 27:20). He concluded: "Therefore, what manner of men ought ye to be? Verily I say unto you, even as I am" (3 Ne. 27:27).

The gospel of Jesus Christ is the plan by which we can become what children of God are supposed to become. This spotless and perfected state will result from a steady succession of covenants, ordinances, and actions, an accumulation of right choices, and from continuing repentance. "This life is the time for men to prepare to meet God" (Alma 34:32).

Now is the time for each of us to work toward our personal conversion, toward becoming what our Heavenly Father desires us to become. As we do so, we should remember that our family relationships--even more than our Church callings--are the setting in which the most important part of that development can occur. The conversion we must achieve requires us to be a good husband and father or a good wife and mother. Being a successful Church leader is not enough. Exaltation is an eternal family experience, and it is our mortal family experiences that are best suited to prepare us for it.

The Apostle John spoke of what we are challenged to become when he said: "Beloved, now are we the sons of God, and it doth not yet appear what we shall be: but we know that, when he shall appear, we shall be like him; for we shall see him as he is" (1 Jn. 3:2; see also Moro. 7:48).

I hope the importance of conversion and becoming will cause our local leaders to reduce their concentration on statistical measures of actions and to focus more on what our brothers and sisters are and what they are striving to become.

Our needed conversions are often achieved more readily by suffering and adversity than by comfort and tranquillity, as Elder Hales taught us so beautifully this morning. Father Lehi promised his son Jacob that God would "consecrate [his] afflictions for [his] gain" (2 Ne. 2:2). The Prophet Joseph was promised that "thine adversity and thine afflictions shall be but a small moment; and then, if thou endure it well, God shall exalt thee on high" (D&C 121:7-8).

Most of us experience some measure of what the scriptures call "the furnace of affliction" (Isa. 48:10; 1 Ne. 20:10). Some are submerged in service to a disadvantaged family member. Others suffer the death of a loved one or the loss or postponement of a righteous goal like marriage or childbearing. Still others struggle with personal impairments or with feelings of rejection, inadequacy, or depression. Through the justice and mercy of a loving Father in Heaven, the refinement and sanctification possible through such experiences can help us achieve what God desires us to become.

We are challenged to move through a process of conversion toward that status and condition called eternal life. This is achieved not just by doing what is right, but by doing it for the right reason--for the pure love of Christ. The Apostle Paul illustrated this in his famous teaching about the importance of charity (see 1 Cor. 13). The reason charity never fails and the reason charity is greater than even the most significant acts of goodness he cited is that charity, "the pure love of Christ" (Moro. 7:47), is not an act but a condition or state of being. Charity is attained through a succession of acts that result in a conversion. Charity is something one becomes. Thus, as Moroni declared, "except men shall have charity they cannot inherit" the place prepared for them in the mansions of the Father (Ether 12:34; emphasis added).

All of this helps us understand an important meaning of the parable of the laborers in the vineyard, which the Savior gave to explain what the kingdom of heaven is like. As you remember, the owner of the vineyard hired laborers at different times of the day. Some he sent into the vineyard early in the morning, others about the third hour, and others in the sixth and ninth hours. Finally, in the eleventh hour he sent others into the vineyard, promising that he would also pay them "whatsoever is right" (Matt. 20:7).

At the end of the day the owner of the vineyard gave the same wage to every worker, even to those who had come in the eleventh hour. When those who had worked the entire day saw this, "they murmured against the goodman of the house" (Matt. 20:11). The owner did not yield but merely pointed out that he had done no one any wrong, since he had paid each man the agreed amount.

Like other parables, this one can teach several different and valuable principles. For present purposes its lesson is that the Master's reward in the Final Judgment will not be based on how long we have labored in the vineyard. We do not obtain our heavenly reward by punching a time clock. What is essential is that our labors in the workplace of the Lord have caused us to become something. For some of us, this requires a longer time than for others. What is important in the end is what we have become by our labors. Many who come in the eleventh hour have been refined and prepared by the Lord in ways other than formal employment in the vineyard. These workers are like the prepared dry mix to which it is only necessary to "add water"--the perfecting ordinance of baptism and the gift of the Holy Ghost. With that addition--even in the eleventh hour--these workers are in the same state of development and qualified to receive the same reward as those who have labored long in the vineyard.

This parable teaches us that we should never give up hope and loving associations with family members and friends whose fine qualities (see Moro. 7:5-14) evidence their progress toward what a loving Father would have them become. Similarly, the power of the Atonement and the principle of repentance show that we should never give up on loved ones who now seem to be making many wrong choices.

Instead of being judgmental about others, we should be concerned about ourselves. We must not give up hope. We must not stop striving. We are children of God, and it is possible for us to become what our Heavenly Father would have us become.

How can we measure our progress? The scriptures suggest various ways. I will mention only two.

After King Benjamin's great sermon, many of his hearers cried out that the Spirit of the Lord "has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually" (Mosiah 5:2). If we are losing our desire to do evil, we are progressing toward our heavenly goal.

The Apostle Paul said that persons who have received the Spirit of God "have the mind of Christ" (1 Cor. 2:16). I understand this to mean that persons who are proceeding toward the needed conversion are beginning to see things as our Heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus Christ, see them. They are hearing His voice instead of the voice of the world, and they are doing things in His way instead of by the ways of the world.

I testify of Jesus Christ, our Savior and our Redeemer, whose Church this is. I testify with gratitude of the plan of the Father under which, through the Resurrection and Atonement of our Savior, we have the assurance of immortality and the opportunity to become what is necessary for eternal life. In the name of Jesus Christ, amen.

New Mormon Classics #1 The Tender Mercies of the Lord-Elder Bednar

2010-03-15T14:08:00.000-07:00

With conference approaching I thought its be a good idea to look back on some of the "Landmark" talks in Mormondom since I started to take the whole thing seriously, essentially from when President Hinckley was ordained prophet forward. I know we have the classics, such as President Benson's "Beware of Pride" or Bruce R. McConkie's final testimony, but looking at the time from 1995-Present I find some great talks that spoke to me when they were given, and still speak to me.

I start with Elder Bednar's The Tender Mercies of the Lord. I was at BYU-Idaho for most of his tenure as president. Perhaps its because I knew his mannerisms so much, but I could feel his sincerity and humility concerning his new calling. I felt like he was a mentor, almost a father figure, and seeing him rise to the challenge of his new calling touched me. The mercies of God are so personal. They may seem like little things to others, but to us show God's love for us personally.

The Tender Mercies of the Lord

Elder David A. Bednar
Of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles

Click for audio

Six months ago, I stood at this pulpit for the first time as the newest member of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles. Both then and even more so now, I have felt and feel the weight of the call to serve and of the responsibility to teach with clarity and to testify with authority. I pray for and invite the assistance of the Holy Ghost as I now speak with you.

This afternoon I want to describe and discuss a spiritual impression I received a few moments before I stepped to this pulpit during the Sunday morning session of general conference last October. Elder Dieter F. Uchtdorf had just finished speaking and had declared his powerful witness of the Savior. Then we all stood together to sing the intermediate hymn that previously had been announced by President Gordon B. Hinckley. The intermediate hymn that morning was "Redeemer of Israel" (Hymns, no. 6).

Now, the music for the various conference sessions had been determined many weeks before—and obviously long before my new call to serve. If, however, I had been invited to suggest an intermediate hymn for that particular session of the conference—a hymn that would have been both edifying and spiritually soothing for me and for the congregation before my first address in this Conference Center—I would have selected my favorite hymn, "Redeemer of Israel." Tears filled my eyes as I stood with you to sing that stirring hymn of the Restoration.

Near the conclusion of the singing, to my mind came this verse from the Book of Mormon: "But behold, I, Nephi, will show unto you that the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance" (1 Nephi 1:20).

My mind was drawn immediately to Nephi's phrase "the tender mercies of the Lord," and I knew in that very moment I was experiencing just such a tender mercy. A loving Savior was sending me a most personal and timely message of comfort and reassurance through a hymn selected weeks previously. Some may count this experience as simply a nice coincidence, but I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are real and that they do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Often, the Lord's timing of His tender mercies helps us to both discern and acknowledge them.

What Are the Tender Mercies of the Lord?

Since last October I have reflected repeatedly upon the phrase "the tender mercies of the Lord." Through personal study, observation, pondering, and prayer, I believe I have come to better understand that the Lord's tender mercies are the very personal and individualized blessings, strength, protection, assurances, guidance, loving-kindnesses, consolation, support, and spiritual gifts which we receive from and because of and through the Lord Jesus Christ. Truly, the Lord suits "his mercies according to the conditions of the children of men" (D&C 46:15).

Recall how the Savior instructed His Apostles that He would not leave them comfortless. Not only would He send "another Comforter" (John 14:16), even the Holy Ghost, but the Savior said that He would come to them (see John 14:18). Let me suggest that one of the ways whereby the Savior comes to each of us is through His abundant and tender mercies. For instance, as you and I face challenges and tests in our lives, the gift of faith and an appropriate sense of personal confidence that reaches beyond our own capacity are two examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. Repentance and forgiveness of sins and peace of conscience are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord. And the persistence and the fortitude that enable us to press forward with cheerfulness through physical limitations and spiritual difficulties are examples of the tender mercies of the Lord.

In a recent stake conference, the tender mercies of the Lord were evident in the touching testimony of a young wife and mother of four whose husband was slain in Iraq in December of 2003. This stalwart sister recounted how, after being notified of her husband's death, she received his Christmas card and message. In the midst of the abrupt reality of a dramatically altered life came to this good sister a timely and tender reminder that indeed families can be together forever. With permission I quote from that Christmas card:

"To the best family in the world! Have a great time together and remember the true meaning of Christmas! The Lord has made it possible for us to be together forever. So even when we are apart, we will still be together as a family.

"God bless and keep y'all safe and grant this Christmas to be our gift of love from us to Him above!!!

"All my love, Daddy and your loving husband!"

Clearly, the husband's reference to being apart in his Christmas greeting referred to the separation caused by his military assignment. But to this sister, as a voice from the dust from a departed eternal companion and father, came a most needed spiritual reassurance and witness. As I indicated earlier, the Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness, obedience, and humility invite tender mercies into our lives, and it is often the Lord's timing that enables us to recognize and treasure these important blessings.

Some time ago I spoke with a priesthood leader who was prompted to memorize the names of all of the youth ages 13 to 21 in his stake. Using snapshots of the young men and women, he created flash cards that he reviewed while traveling on business and at other times. This priesthood leader quickly learned all of the names of the youth.

One night the priesthood leader had a dream about one of the young men whom he knew only from a picture. In the dream he saw the young man dressed in a white shirt and wearing a missionary name tag. With a companion seated at his side, the young man was teaching a family. The young man held the Book of Mormon in his hand, and he looked as if he were testifying of the truthfulness of the book. The priesthood leader then awoke from his dream.

At an ensuing priesthood gathering, the leader approached the young man he had seen in his dream and asked to talk with him for a few minutes. After a brief introduction, the leader called the young man by name and said: "I am not a dreamer. I have never had a dream about a single member of this stake, except for you. I am going to tell you about my dream, and then I would like you to help me understand what it means."

The priesthood leader recounted the dream and asked the young man about its meaning. Choking with emotion, the young man simply replied, "It means God knows who I am." The remainder of the conversation between this young man and his priesthood leader was most meaningful, and they agreed to meet and counsel together from time to time during the following months.

That young man received the Lord's tender mercies through an inspired priesthood leader. I repeat again, the Lord's tender mercies do not occur randomly or merely by coincidence. Faithfulness and obedience enable us to receive these important gifts and, frequently, the Lord's timing helps us to recognize them.

We should not underestimate or overlook the power of the Lord's tender mercies. The simpleness, the sweetness, and the constancy of the tender mercies of the Lord will do much to fortify and protect us in the troubled times in which we do now and will yet live. When words cannot provide the solace we need or express the joy we feel, when it is simply futile to attempt to explain that which is unexplainable, when logic and reason cannot yield adequate understanding about the injustices and inequities of life, when mortal experience and evaluation are insufficient to produce a desired outcome, and when it seems that perhaps we are so totally alone, truly we are blessed by the tender mercies of the Lord and made mighty even unto the power of deliverance (see 1 Nephi 1:20).

Who Are They Whom the Lord Has Chosen to Receive His Tender Mercies?

The word chosen in 1 Nephi 1:20 is central to understanding the concept of the Lord's tender mercies. The dictionary indicates that chosen suggests one who is selected, taken by preference, or picked out. It also can be used to refer to the elect or chosen of God (Oxford English Dictionary Online, second ed. [1989], "Chosen").

Some individuals who hear or read this message erroneously may discount or dismiss in their personal lives the availability of the tender mercies of the Lord, believing that "I certainly am not one who has been or ever will be chosen." We may falsely think that such blessings and gifts are reserved for other people who appear to be more righteous or who serve in visible Church callings. I testify that the tender mercies of the Lord are available to all of us and that the Redeemer of Israel is eager to bestow such gifts upon us.

To be or to become chosen is not an exclusive status conferred upon us. Rather, you and I ultimately determine if we are chosen. Please now note the use of the word chosen in the following verses from the Doctrine and Covenants:

"Behold, there are many called, but few are chosen. And why are they not chosen?

"Because their hearts are set so much upon the things of this world, and aspire to the honors of men" (D&C 121:34–35; emphasis added).

I believe the implication of these verses is quite straightforward. God does not have a list of favorites to which we must hope our names will someday be added. He does not limit "the chosen" to a restricted few. Rather, it is our hearts and our aspirations and our obedience which definitively determine whether we are counted as one of God's chosen.

Enoch was instructed by the Lord on this very point of doctrine. Please note the use of the word choose in these verses: "Behold these thy brethren; they are the workmanship of mine own hands, and I gave unto them their knowledge, in the day I created them; and in the Garden of Eden, gave I unto man his agency;

"And unto thy brethren have I said, and also given commandment, that they should love one another, and that they should choose me, their Father" (Moses 7:32–33; emphasis added).

As we learn in these scriptures, the fundamental purposes for the gift of agency were to love one another and to choose God. Thus we become God's chosen and invite His tender mercies as we use our agency to choose God.

One of the most well-known and frequently cited passages of scripture is found in Moses 1:39. This verse clearly and concisely describes the work of the Eternal Father: "For behold, this is my work and my glory—to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of man" (emphasis added).

A companion scripture found in the Doctrine and Covenants describes with equal clarity and conciseness our primary work as the sons and daughters of the Eternal Father. Interestingly, this verse does not seem to be as well known and is not quoted with great frequency. "Behold, this is your work, to keep my commandments, yea, with all your might, mind and strength" (D&C 11:20; emphasis added).

Thus, the Father's work is to bring to pass the immortality and eternal life of His children. Our work is to keep His commandments with all of our might, mind, and strength—and we thereby become chosen and, through the Holy Ghost, receive and recognize the tender mercies of the Lord in our daily lives.

The very conference in which we are participating this weekend is yet another example of the Lord's tender mercies. We have been blessed to receive inspired counsel from the leaders of the Savior's Church—timely counsel for our day and for our circumstances and for our challenges. We have been instructed, lifted, edified, called to repentance, and strengthened. The spirit of this conference has fortified our faith and fueled our desire to repent, to obey, to improve, and to serve. Like you, I am eager to now act upon the reminders, counsel, and personal inspiration with which we have been blessed during this conference. And in just a few moments each of us will receive one of the Lord's tender mercies as we hear the concluding remarks and testimony of President Gordon B. Hinckley. Truly, "the Lord is good to all: and his tender mercies are over all his works" (Psalm 145:9).

I am thankful for the Restoration of the gospel of Jesus Christ through the Prophet Joseph Smith and for the knowledge we have today about the Lord's tender mercies. Our desires, faithfulness, and obedience invite and help us to discern His mercies in our lives. As one of His servants, I declare my witness that Jesus is the Christ, our Redeemer and our Savior. I know that He lives and that His tender mercies are available to all of us. Each of us can have eyes to see clearly and ears to hear distinctly the tender mercies of the Lord as they strengthen and assist us in these latter days. May our hearts always be filled with gratitude for His abundant and tender mercies. In the sacred name of Jesus Christ, amen.

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Surupy serum of forbiden joy

2010-03-03T08:46:00.000-08:00

Yeah, That's how I describe the feelings of SSA. Now time to go increase my chance of diabetes by eating some candy.(literally)

A rather queer article

2010-01-21T14:46:00.000-08:00

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/men/article6990013.ece

Good Article, nice insight.

There is a God, and His name is Wonderful

2010-01-13T20:40:00.000-08:00

Well, it appears that God does care about me. For the last few days I’ve been having this feeling that I need to tell my friend Dan about my struggles. Dan is probably my best friend I’ve made since high school. I met him a couple years ago in my ward and we served in FHE, now we work together in activities. Dan really wanted me to move in with him last semester, but I didn’t mostly because I was afraid of my attraction for him.

Anyways the last few days have been really rough for me. I posted about my dream, and the anxiety and self-hatred has been at its highest level in months. Work has been torture. Basically everything has been sucking.

Dan has made me his project—in a good way. He is always encouraging me in my dating, and we have a ton of fun together. When came back from being in Mexico for four months, he saw that I had gained a lot of weight, and kept working on me ‘til I accepted to play racquetball with him each week. Really Dan has been a great friend. The thing I value most about Dan is how he pushes me to become more than I am. He doesn’t shy away from telling me I really don’t need that second donut, or that its been a while since I’ve gone to the temple.

So today I sent Dan a chat message, asking if he would give me a blessing. I figured I needed the help for all the depression and anxiety I’ve been going through. Plus I’ve been feeling week in the gospel. He replied, “Sure, but lets go to the temple first.” So we went to the Provo temple and had a good time doing initiatories. I was already feeling a little better. Then we went back to his place. He asked what the deal was and I first mentioned my anxiety and depression, and how tough it had been. We talked about that. Then it took forever, but I finally told him about my same gender attraction, and how it tied into it all.

To Dan’s credit, he didn’t wince, or act shocked at all. He told me about his dating relationships class, where they listed all their relationships and had to choose one to work on this semester. The one he chose was me. God was preparing both of us for this. He had already set some goals of going to the temple once a week together, working out during the week, and going on one double date a month. I agreed to all these. So much pressure had been released. God had a hand in this on both sides. He asked if the way we always talked about girls made it tough. I told him I liked it, and needed help figuring out women. Then he gave me the blessing.

I haven’t made a friend like Dan in the last ten years. But God prepared a friend for me, now in one of the hardest times of my life. God really does bless us, and watch over us. I don’t know why I’ve fought this for ten years, and how much longer I’ll have to, but God’s hand is in it, and I thank him for it.

I’m grateful for a God who knows every aspect of my life. I’m thankful for a God who sends people into my introverted life to help me. And I’m thankful for a friend who, instead of being permissive, sees my potential as God’s son and encourages me to reach for it.

PS I know I have yet to blog on how my talk went with my parents. Its coming. I think.

I want to live!

2010-01-12T16:17:00.000-08:00

I should have written this up this morning right after it happened, but I'm lazy, now I've forgotten some of the dream, But I think i remember enough.

As a preface to the dream, last night I had a pretty bad anxiety attack. I was in my car heading to ward FHE, and the circular negative thoughts started to intensify. It was like a teatherball kept passing through my head, each hit was thoughts of, "you fag" or other negative things. I started to shake and convulse as thoughts of me having sex with some of my good straight friends pounded into my head. I couldn't stop them, so I writhed in my reclined car seat for a while.

I finally made it into fhe at the church, but went to straight to an empty room, set up some chairs and laid there with the lights off. Once I got settled down I went and played dodgeball. Best part of the last 24 hours.

I'm sure the break down had an effect on this dream. I remember in the dream hating my homosexual feelings. Walking around trying to figure out what to do. Lots of people told me to give in, that I would never be happy if I didn't and I would end up killing myself. I didn't want to ,but they persisted.
So then I went to people who would encourage me not to give in, my family and freinds. I mentioned the idea of suicide and they seemed to think it was a good idea, that if I killed myself I would be free of the pain. Religious leaders even said I would be free of the same gender attraction after I left this life.
Eventually I found myself on the edge of a large bottomless pit. It was black, but had a swirling vortex in it. I saw things sucked into it, into oblivion. I was seriously contemplated ending it all, and jumping into the pit. I knew if I did things would be better. I was afraid of what God would think, I asked Him. He said i could do it that everything would be ok if I did.

There I was on the edge of the vortex, everyone in the world, and the world beyond said I should do it. then I thought of my life. I thought of the joy I have with my family. I thought of the family I believe awaits me in this life. I thought of the potential I have to acheive all my other goals. The joy in life, that we forget about when we are in the midst of trials. I yelled to the throngs around the pit who waited to see what I would do, "I want to live" and walked away.

More happened in the dream, but I don't remember it clearly. I think i went to all my friends and family and told them why I wanted to live

I WANT TO BE CLEAR. I don't think this was a vison, I think it was just my mind trying to figure out what it wants. But I've decided, even with the crappiness of depression, anxiety and loneliness. I want to live! and I will.

2010-01-03T21:47:00.001-08:00

Note from dad. Sexual attraction is not the most important past of a marriage. Love and service is.

Tellin my parents

2009-12-11T23:03:00.001-08:00

I'm tellin my parents tommorrow. I think it'll go fine, but if anyone feels like praying that it will, i'd appreciate it.

Jake

Dedicated to My Roommate (whom I actually get along well with)

2009-12-11T05:09:00.000-08:00

Tis the night be for the final
Poetry is coming due
And I sit here writing, rhyming—chatting with my roommate too.
“Poetry?” he says, “You’re gay man. Do you do ballet as well?”
Smack! My fist conveys my answer as I ring his dull thick bell.

Its true!

2009-11-15T18:52:00.000-08:00

Yep, the Temple Ordinances, the Joseph Smith Story, The Book of Mormon, heck the entire gospel is true. Great weekend starting with my first temple session in a couple months, ending with watching the Emma Smith movie. This plan of salvation really is that pearl of great price. God lives, loves us, and is there for us. That is all, have a good night.

Dark Voices

2009-11-05T16:04:00.000-08:00

“I hate you--you worthless scum. You ought to die. I don’t even know why you’re here. You never accomplish anything. All you do is sit there, sniveling, whimpering. What are you a dog? Well why don’t you say anything. Piece of crap!”

The acerbic voice yanked me from my dreams. What was going on. I tried to gather myself. I turned to the right looking for my alarm clock. Couldn’t find it. Turned left, oh there it is. That’s right. I wasn’t in the Missionary Training Center anymore. I was in Marietta Ohio, my first night in the mission field. I glanced over at Elder Goodwin, my companion. He was still asleep. I wasn’t surprised. He hardly seemed to be the type that’d say such things. Maybe I’d just dreamt, it. No, that can’t be. I’d been dreaming of my dog Spartacus, a fearless Pomeranian, jut before I’d woken up. Man I missed Spartacus. He’d always come and wake me up in the morning by pulling the socks off my feet, then barking in my ear until I got out of bed and took him to relieve himself.

Speaking of which I could use some relief. I got out of bed, stubbing my toe on Elder Goodwin’s barbell. “Bananas,” I cursed under my breath. Glad to see I’d broken my habit of using harsher words and continued to the business room. I didn’t hear the voice anymore that night, and quickly fell back to sleep.

The next morning over a bowl of Luck Charms, I spoke with Elder Goodwin. “Dude, I heard this crazy voice last night.”

“Elder, Don’t you mean Elder.”

“Well I don’t think it was an elder, you were asleep.”

“No, I mean we aren’t dudes out here. We’re elders.”

“Whatever. So tell me did the good Elder Goodwin happen to hear any voices whilst the elder slept on the elder’s bed? Sir Elder.

He snorted his Fruit Loops. “You’re such a dork.”

“Oh, so we can be dorks, but not dudes. I don’t get it.”

I told him about it. He hadn’t heard it and passed it off as a nervous greenie. We went through the day, spent most of it tracting. But we did have a dinner appointment with Bill, the member that lived in the house above our basement apartment. Bill was a bachelor, fresh out of college. I was excited when I saw the pizza; Elder Goodwin didn’t see quite so excited.

“So what do you do Bill?” I asked. Elder Goodwin kicked me under the table.

“Oh I’m looking for a job right now. The economy is pretty tight right now. Its been hard to find anything. Hope I do soon or I’ll have to move back into my parents. Like anyone wants to do that.”

We moved on to other topics. Elder Goodwin made me provide the thought. I shared Ether 12:27 and we left.

Training with Elder Goodwin went very well. He was a good elder with a strange sense of humor. He never really talked about home, in fact whenever I would bring up my home, he’d just get quiet.

About four weeks later I was awoken with a thud. I groped for my clock. It was 1 am. I was sure the thud came from upstairs, Bill’s Apartment.

“You’re pathetic!” Piece of Crap. You don’t do anything right.” The venom poured down the air vent into our bedroom. “Be a man. Do something with your life.”

Then there was a second voice, answering the first. It was weak, pleading, almost at the breaking point. “Leave me alone. I’m a good person. Shut Up!”

“You, a good person? You don’t have a job, you don’t have a girl friend; you’re going to live with mommy and daddy. What value do you have? No one cares about you. No one likes you. You’re a worm, a sick little worm writhing on the sidewalk after a storm. You have no shelter. You are worse than nothing. You suck the goodness out of things.”

“Shut up, people like me. I have friends, I make people happy.”

“Oh really. You must be talking about the old people at the bingo hall. You really thing they care? You really think they would notice if you were gone. Can’t old Bob Wodskow just go back to calling the numbers, or is that why you have the degree? Four years in school so you can give old ladies with crooked teeth a candy bar for blackout. They can’t even eat it. “

I barely heard the next voice. “I hate you. I hate you so much.” There was a thundering cacophony. It sounded like miniature horses pounding in the ground. It only lasted a few seconds. Then things were quiet.

I looked over at Elder Goodwin. He was sitting up in his bed. “We need to go up there.”

The door was locked, but Elder Goodwin quickly jimmied it with his debit card. The lights were out as we crept into Bill’s apartment. My heart was pumping. Elder Goodwin was massaging his knuckles. We worked our way through the house. Entry way, study, kitchen. Then we saw Bill. Curled up in a ball at the bottom of the stairs. His muscles were convulsing. I didn’t see any blood but his arm had an extra bend in it between the elbow and wrist. We ran over to him. “Bill are you ok?” All he did was whimper. I touched his shoulder, and he jumped. Each breath shook his entire body.

“Who did this too you,” Elder Goodwin asked?

Bill just looked at us. He wanted to say something, but couldn’t get it out. Finally after stuttering he said, “Its kind of bad isn’t it”

“Yeah, we heard you yelling with the guy who was it? Is he still here?”

“Sounded like he knew you? What was he doing here?”

Bill looked away. “ It was me. I’ve been feeling really down lately, not being able to get a job and all. My brother told me I must not be motivated enough. That I just needed to try harder. I started to believe him. So I’d try to get motivated by pointing out all the bad thing I’d done that day. All the time I wasted. All the mistakes I made talking to potential employers. At first it seemed to help. I used my time better. But then I started finding more and more things that I was screwing up. I thought I just needed more motivation, so I stated yelling. When I started hitting myself I knew it was wrong, but I just couldn’t stop. The dark voice in my head took on a life of its own. Seeking out weaknesses from years ago. Even turning the good things I did into insults. I wanted to stop it, but it is just so strong. Its insidious. It pops up just at the times I need confidence. I don’t know how many opportunities I’ve thrown away because of this voice. But I can’t stop it. Whenever I’m alone, it is there.”

We gave Bill a blessing and got him a ride to the hospital. After Bill got back he’d come down to our apartment for scripture study. We didn’t hear any more voices in the night and Bill slowly got better. By the time I left Mariettta six months later he had a job, sure it was at Wal Mart, but he seemed happy.

Things Made Whole

2009-10-27T08:02:00.000-07:00

The field was littered with brown clumps of dirt left from a recent aeration. The sprinklers had been on last night, and it was 6:00 AM on a Fall Saturday in Rexburg, Idaho. The temperature was barely above freezing.

And I wanted to give up. I'd forgotten how hard football could be. Sitting there in tryouts for the BYU-Idaho football, league carrying another lineman on my back, doing whatever torture the coaches dreamed up I thought I was a foolish man chasing windmills. I'd walked away from a unglamorous sub .250 football carrier at the end of high school. Personally happy with my effort, but frustrated that I never had the experience of truly being part of a team. (if you haven't I suggest you read about it below before continuing.) But in the Summer of 2000 Gordon B. Hinckley gave me another chance. He announced that Ricks College would become BYU-Idaho, and they were getting rid of intercollegiate sports and instituting intra-collegiate sports. In other words the teams could compete within the university. I was on my LDS mission at the time, but it was then that I knew, I would play football again.

I had given up on football when I walked off the field after my 1 and 8 senior season in high school. A lineman doesn't really have many opportunities to perform his craft. Blocking without pads, and a backfield to protect isn't even close to the same. If you don't have an offer to play collegiality you don't have any future. But President Hinckley's announcement had given me hope.

At 6:00 am its hard to feel hope. When you're soaked to the core, doing the bidding of some sadist coach, performing the monkey roll in the mud, its easy to just walk away. Each day of tryouts the group got smaller and the vomiting became more frequent.

The BYFL has a no cut policy. Tryouts are there to weed out the weak and uncommitted. If you make it through tryouts you'll be on a team, but that's a big if.

My first year in the league I was placed on the Titans. Our quarterback was a former jr. college QB that was finishing up his schooling in Rexburg. That year was great. A unofficial team goal was to never punt, and we didn't have to. ON the rare occasion we didn't convert on 4th down, our defense could stop them. I remember one game giving the other team the ball on our 20. Our defense held them to 4 and out.

We had a perfect season winning the league championship.

One of things that makes the BYFL different is the focus on becoming better people. All our practices began with a prayer and devotional, and the league had weekly devotionals. It was so different from high school and I loved it.

My second and final year in the league I was drafted onto the Knights. With black and silver uniforms we were the most menacing team in the league. I almost didn't come back for a second year. I'm glad I did. It gave me some of my best memories.

-Our quarterback was a natural leader on the team. When he told you a way to improve, or when he told you you needed to get your job done better, you wanted to do it, and you would.

-I got stats! I thought I was fine with not having any official stats to track what I did in the game. But our coaches let me go out for two passes. The first one was a touch down pass. I was playing left guard and ran a five and out. Dax lofted it up there. But my cursed lineman's body wasn't fast enough, and the ball bounced indifferently off the endzone grass. Later in the playoffs, our coaches called the play again. I went three yards and out, turned, thankfully our quarterback knew how slow I was, caught the ball, and was promptly tackled. But I got three yards receiving, and that was enough for me.

-We were a team. Before games we would all gather close together, while Danny would say in almost a wisper, "who's that talking 'bout beating them knights?"

We'd all respond,"who that, who that say what." He then would call again slightly louder, with us repeating, all while in a tight huddle, and jumping up and down. This would continue until until near tumult levels

I'm sorry if I get a little personal here and apply this to life. Like the NBA says, "its just a game, right? But sometimes is so much more than that." Football was my sport, my brothers had basketball and track, and football, but football was really the only one where I excelled. But in high school I had been given a pathetic team with unconcerned coaches. I wanted football to be my sport, my life, but my team had never even won more than one game in a season, never bonded as a team. I wasn't bitter when I walked away at the end of high school, but I was empty and unfilled.

But God gave me a new chance with football at college. Not only did he let me play again, but he put me on two teams that were the exact opposite of high school. Two league championships, one undefeated season. Teammates and friendships. I have to believe that if God in his mercy gave me a second chance at football, and gave me more than I have ever deserved. He will give us blessings that far out weigh the trials we have experienced in this life. Children who are taken while young will be reunited with their parents, the abused will receive the love and caring so sorely missed. Those who long for families, and whose hearts ache from sometimes decades of being alone will have that intimacy so long denied them. Those and all the other tough times, set backs, and things left unfilled, will be rectified with blessings that far and beyond compensate us for the injustices suffered. If God will do that with a simple thing like football, I know he will do it with all the trials in life, for those who remain faithful to him. It may not be until after we think the opportunity has passed, it may not even be during our current lifetime, but it will come.