Wednesday, December 5, 2018

Darkness in the rear view mirror.

Years ago I looked over the railing. Was any of this worth it. Was the pain, loneliness, being so different ever going to lessen. Why was I so different. Why was I so alone. Why can’t I change things for the better.

It was the same railing that today someone else jumped.

And I weep for them.

Their future looked so cloudy. Their pain so great. Why? I do not know their story. Was it the stress of schooling? Was it the pressure of unmet expectations? Was it illness? Did they also feel like an interloper?

When you consider suicide it’s like your life is a merry go round of misery. You can’t find anyway off it. The same repetitive stresses hit you again and again and again. It sucks. And then something happens that makes it too hard to bare. And you think the only exit is death. It becomes a fixation. Each rotation you come back to that thought, “the only way off is to die”

It isn’t.

If i jumped all those years ago i would have missed so much. New friends. New acceptance. New self love. Pains that had stayed with me for decades erased. Phantoms of misery finally vanquished. Had I jumped I never would have known dancing, improv, dungeons and dragons.

Friendships would have never formed.

And lives would have been devastated .

Pain multiplied across the all who new me. From moments of sadness and regret to heart suffocating spasms that want to rip the soul apart. Friends. Families. Always with a dark scar.

Please don’t do it. Don’t jump. You are good. It does get better. I promise. Get help. There are many paths to happiness. Many solutions to puzzles. And more joy that will slay the pain.

Don’t jump. Get help. You don’t have to do it alone. And in future years when you are sitting by a warm fire either with loved ones or just loving your self you will know that it has gotten better. And the way you felt on that lonely bridge will seems foreign.

There are a million paths for you. And joy is in many of them.

It gets better. As long as you stick around.

Tuesday, May 8, 2018

Isn't it

Isn’t it a little crazy, that a guy like me grew up not knowing about homosexuality.

Isn’t it a little crazy.   God made things this way.  That a boy could actually change from hating the gay. 

Isn’t it a pretty good thing.  The way things can change.   Men liking men becomes less super Strange

Isn’t it amazing.  God finally changed me.  Not the way that I asked for. But the way that I need

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Open Heart

Let me cut a slit in my skin and show you a bit of my heart. Let me remove it from the cage i keep it on. See it. Feel it. The beats; like yours? No protection. With my heart lay bare a swift punch would wound so deep I may not recover. When you see the heart beating. Pumping blood. Will you cut it. Will you honor it.

Why do I show it. It needs completion but not by you. I have a heart. Perhaps a different model but it serves the same purpose. My heart has scared me. I know its beats are not like most. But look. It is still a good heart. Is it really so alien? I show it not to the masses. Not yet. Someday they will know. For now I show it to you. What do you think? Is it really all that bad? I wish I did not have to tell anyone. But we all talk about our hearts. It gives us our power. And the cage I kept mine in was to small. And atrophy will kill it.

So you. As one of the first to see my different heart are you surprised? Are we still ok?

Monday, March 5, 2018

Dear Lady

Dear lady, I write concerning the allure of your husband, to put your fears of me to a quick end; your man , while one of my best mates to hang out with, I’ve never had much desire to make out with. Now don’t be offended that I think your beau is ugly, I just hoped to end your apprehension of me. I won’t try to seduce your mate to the path of the gay side, don’t fear when we go out for a day ride. We’re just doing what men have done for years. Being bro’s, hanging out, so don’t listen to your fears. Your man is as straight as they come and has eyes for none other; but while we’re on the subject could I have the number for your brother?

Monday, February 12, 2018

Unbound

there is a freedom found in being different, if you can fully grasp what it means

you don't have to follow the norms around you, the ways you've always seen

when you give yourself permission to dye your hair chartreuse, or wear a pink cape to Walmart, regardless of abuse
you'll have found the freedom granted when nature said you'd be this way

you'll start to be thankful when the normals call you gay

Wednesday, December 6, 2017

He Leaves

He leaves.

Not a ton of sadness. There was potential. We laid a good groundwork.   Started to be friends.  Played frisbee.  You sent me girls to date.

I dropped the catalyst.  I didn’t need to.  I had kept it in reserve. 

It was a powerful catalyst that I had in abundance.  The abundance made me discount its power.  And it’s volatility.

So many of the reactions had been perfect.  I lobbed the element out to anyone I passed.

Except work.  Work could not have that. I knew the reaction would be poor.

So you were like many others.  Or so I thought.

One night I cast the catalyst at him.

He sent me girl after girl I could date.

I told him my desires for girls was inert.

I threw in the phrase.  I am gay.

It was by text.  So I couldn’t even see the reaction.

He said. “Cool man. Good night”

We didn’t talk any more.

I felt shame almost immediately.

I had no idea what he thought.

But. Things had changed. He was distant. Never mean. But distant.

I’m sure I didn’t help him.

And now he’s moving.   Just a few months after he moved in.

So. I’ve lost a potential friend.  Not a long term one.

But I’ve lost someone who could have been friendly.

I don’t know why.  But I guess my secret though less volatile, still has the potential to react poorly.

It’s not the end of the world.  It’s just the loss of a maybe.

unopened packages

I love game stores. I love walking around.  Seeing all the board games, and the potential inside them.  Often i'll buy a game.  Too often.  I have scores of games, and sadly a good number of them are unopened.

I think back to some of the happiest times in my life.  It was when i was gaming with friends.

I buy games, to bring back those times.

But i don't need more games.  I need friends.  all the games in the world are worthless without someone to play them with.