Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Breaking Storm

Wow, I just felt the Spirit in a most unique way.

I’ve been struggling with, among other things, depression. April, July, August, September. Those are the months I’ve had major bouts of suicidal depression. I’ve seen a counselor, actually just stopped last week, cause he really wasn’t getting me. I felt like he never listened or grasped what I was trying to communicate. Nice guy, but we didn’t click well.

The one thing he did talk a lot about was getting on an anti-depressant. I’ve felt like I should, but I’ve always been confused. Partly that I would be in some drug induced happy fog, where nothing mattered, and partly because I think I have greatness in me. And I was worried that taking drugs would take away the edge off my talents. It would make me less effective in my writing. I should also mention that my bishop has really been encouraging me to take them as well.

Well tonight I got home and my roommates were watching House. It’s a show about this amazing doctor, who can figure out what is wrong with almost anyone. He is a genius, and also a cranky old man, who has no friends. In the show, the main character, House, had checked himself into a mental facility but was refusing to take meds for whatever problem he had. The Doc wanted him too. Finally they had a conversation where it was revealed that House didn’t want to take the meds because he thought they would weaken his talent. In this case his analytical skills. House brought up Van Gogh who painted amazing pictures, such as Starry Night. House asked, If Van Gogh had been on anti depressants would he have been able to paint such masterpieces? I guess Van Gogh did some of his best work in an insane asylum. The doctor responded, “Yes, Van Gogh still would have painted beautiful nightscapes, but he would still have his ears.” (Van Gogh is famous for having cut off one of his ears in a fit of depression.)

Well there is was in12 foot clarity on the screen, my concern being addressed directly. Later I prayed and told God I was going to go find a doctor and get some medicine. The Spirit was strong, and unique. If warmed my chest. The cloud that has been over my mind was temporarily lifted. I felt warm, like the sun was shining on me. It may have been a taste of what life will be like with this depression managed.

Well, there is my story. I wanted to write it down. I guess I just need to go do it.


  1. Please do it. I have wrestled with the same decision for years. We have no problem taking medication for any other organ in our body, but when it comes to our most complex organ, our brain, we freak out.

    It may take a while to get the right med and amount for you, but it will be well worth it!

  2. You are a continual strength to me. Thank you. :)

  3. Okay honey- I feel your pain. I'm feeling it right now. 15 years of it. Each drug will have it's own unique effect on the unique person you are. It is a long and tenuous process to find a fit. Some drugs take a while to work. Their effects are so subtle, but build up and one day you find yourself in a much different place than you wish to be. Some drugs do nothing. Some to way too much. You CAN find one that does just enough. Pay attention to what you are thinking and feeling.
    So much for encouragement- eh? After 13 years on Zoloft- tried every anti depressant available- I've settled on Adderall- for ADD. Who would have guessed? good luck!