Tuesday, November 30, 2010

November Matis fireside bullet points

Partake of the fruit of the tree of life by falling down. Everyone who repents finds mercy. Anger ,non-charity, skittles, grudge holder. Illness is impure heart. Focus on my own problems. Up is down and down is up as long as we are down before him. The only way us is through Him. He we didn't know we had problems we wouldn't come to him. Commandments give us knowledge of our problems. Proper Guilt is a gift. Don't despair boasting is excluded:) parable of the two sons. Came to himself. Contrite heart is cure. Father rushed to his side. Don't worry about others brokenness worry about my brokenness. Get the elder brother pieces out of us. Lord can cure any sickness.
We must fall.

We're not responsible for things out of our control

Sunday, November 7, 2010

The Temple! get there.

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Submit to the gardener

Thursday, September 23, 2010

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Evergreen random notes.

I Am. An appropriate name for someone who has taken it all upon Him. Whatever we feel He feels whatever we are he is , through experience in Gethsemene.

Not to say He is gay or he is a cancer patient or a prisoner of war or whatever trial you want., but to say He knows what it means to be one. He has felt everthing we have. Our joys our sorrows our hope our trepidation our loneliness our feelings of rejection. That is the essence of I Am. He knows it all. He is.

Many Trials are blessings. If God didn't want me to have ssa i wouldn't.

We are blessed-child of God- ssa can drive so stay close to the Lord-master behaviors thoughts and feelings- we are ment to assist each other

Bishop McMullin-evergreen has come far- highly charged group. Everyone has strong feelings on it. Much less is known about causes then is purported. Contest of opinions- increased acceptance of ssa makes it more difficult to stay faithful. Did he just speak as if gay marriage is inevitable? And things will get more difficult for those striving to be faithful-prophets are still watchmen-

To the leaders- doctrines of keyness- problems do not make us special. Don't define myself by the problem-God does not speak of us as a category but as a person. Don't use gay as me. I am not consigned to live the gay lifestyle. We are divine Sons of God-mortal conditions immortal possibilities- speak of intimate things with reverence- common or unclean-what God hath cleansed do not call common. he sees our potential. This is a mortal condition-sga by itself is neither good or bad. If the result is good friendships it is good. Thorn in the flesh- susceptibility does not enable born this way as a defense. Paul didn't lose his thorn. When i am weak i am strong.

Saw i am statue.he knows how to succor. We are all born pure- we can all improve-trials can be de humanizing- we will be blessed-God does NOT make it impossible to be moral-God denies none in comes to him. Priesthood blesses us.leaders can speak in name of the Lord- as man is God was as God is man can be-Saviour of all creation-he redeemes-church is not just social or just a church it is kingdom of God. When prophet speaks the debate ends.we all have

vexations that will leave someday-

How can Pain sanctify?

Marriage is possible but doesn't fix this

Men and women attraction is different. And not related for sure

Porn can mess you up badly


Monday, September 13, 2010

Ramblings of My Brain at the Matis Fireside

So many promptings to share what God wants not what the speakers want-

follow the spirit. It may be life or death. Christ the gives of

every good gift . He can soothe-

life can be so hard for everyone-

i am not unique in my trial but i am loved-when we are alone the Saviour knows us-

lighter burdens li ke after indy and red blessed me-

give of this mountain, the Lord will be with me-you have good around this mountain long enough-he allows time for growing-

thou hast lacked nothing-i am strong give me this mountain-would i give up this trial if i had to lose all this learning? No- Temple is for safety-dc76 1-lead people with problems closer to the Saviour.

He can fix problems we can't- responsibility to tell what we've learned of God-whose am i-moyle temple mason-

sacrifice to fill our purpose-holy is set apart for sacred purpose-he that is able to keep you from falling-them was Sunday, September 12, 2010the last time had an answer to prayer or scriptures-glass of cold water to a little one parable matthew 10-law of witnesses-

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I am sparticus

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Wow, is this really happening

Since August two friends that I deal with on a near daily basis know about my SSA. I don't have time for a full write up but just wanted to write about two incidences that showed me how lucky I am.

With school starting I've had my anxiety and ssa in overdrive. So many new attractive guys, and I still am not comfortable with the fact that I find them attractive. Things had gotten really bad, I was in a cycle of despair that was hard to climb out of. So Sunday I sent a text to both of them, Red and Indy, asking for a blessing. I've gotten blessings before when the depression is bad and it really helps. They both came over, we talked about the trials a little bit, how i was feeling, they offered some suggestions, then Red gave a prayer, then Indy was voice for the blessing.

I'm not going to say what was said, but it was powerful and personal. To be in this position after years of being alone, and avoiding friendships with men because I thought that was the way to overcome ssa, to have two great friends that I can call upon, who don't treat me any different, and that I can occasionally beat in Mario Kart is a miracle in my life, and a tender mercy.

Number two.

For Labor Day we had a marathon Mario Kart session, probably 3 hours or more. As it went on things got intense and Indy started calling things "gay" such as when a shell would hit him or something.

I'll admit, my feelings on using "gay" as term for something stupid have changed. I used to use it, then recently I stopped, and it really started to bother me. So I told Red this last Spring. I am usually able to brush it off, but when people I care about use it over and over with intensity like Indy was, it starts to get to me a little. When we were done racing they both started talking in Portuguese, which I don't know.

Then yesterday, Indy comes and apologizes for using it, i told him it was a habit i had to break, and things were good. I know its a small thing, but it makes a big difference.

One of the things said in the blessing was that God has put people in my life, I'm sure these friends are two of them

Thanks be to God, and his sons.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Thank you Father for two great friends.

Monday, August 23, 2010

i.F. Fireside followup

Chat from June with a straight friend about the Idaho Falls Fireside. He has been a good support through all this

1:32 PM me: dude, east idaho had a SGA (same gender attraction) fireside last night

i went with my parents

it was good

1:33 PM friend: right

how was that bro?

me: pretty good. right when i got outta the care I ran into a family from my home ward. so i guess the secret is out,

1:34 PM they're son is 19 and spent about 8 months doing the whole gay thing

but is trying to come back

friend: no mish then for him?

me: well, it might be possible

friend: dude, i'm sure they aren't gonna go spreadin the word

for all they know, ur there to help somone not even neccesarily urself u know

1:35 PM me: well, he is my youngest bros friend

friend: did they ask about it?

me: no, not really

but you know, i figured this might happen.

friend: ya

oh well

me: the fireside was 2.5 hours long

friend: life goes on u know


me: that's what i say oh weell

friend: long indeed

did u feel like u guys learned som stuff

1:36 PM u know, ur life goes on

me: i learned a little, i think my parents and others that done' deal with it leanred a lot more

friend: good

me: for me it was kinda SGA 101, and i've already got an associates

friend: that's what u wanted

me: yeah. we broke into groups, leaders, freinds/fam, men with it, women with it

1:38 PM my parents went to the leadership one, it was good. I wish they could have gone to the friends/fam one, cause the couple who do firesides down her ran that one

1:39 PM their son commited suicide

from what i hear it was way powerful

friend: that's cool

me: cause the way i see it with sga there are two main challenges.

friend: wow

me: the obvious one is the temptation to go sleep with men

1:40 PM the second is the depression, and self hate that most of us feel, becuase everyone thinks we chose to bo this way and we're some sort of freak

you gotta overcome both of those

1:41 PM and i think the church members need to do a lot more to help kids with this.

friend: right

me: cuase not all of them make it out of it

friend: what can they do?

me: don't make it such a deseise

friend: ya

me: like my mom doesn't want my bro to be seen with his friend that deals with this

1:42 PM becuase then people with think my bro is gay

and seriously don't we need to cut the "that's so gay" jokes

i know i say them too

but it hurts people

friend: ya

1:43 PM i guess whenever I say "that's so gay" it doesn't man it's literally gay but rather "that's so stupid or dumb" u know

me: it really comes down to having our love of people overcome the sickenss people feel when they think about sga

and i know that. I can deal with it, but alot of peole can't

friend: ya

for sure

1:44 PM me: because the gay community says to people like me, come on we love you.

friend: ya thats lame

me: and sometimes it seems like the church membership says,
"get away you deviant"

1:45 PM friend: they problem they dont understand is that givin in to something like that is on the same level of badness as a man that has sex w/ women he's not married too

me: yeah, it just like adultry

not worse,

friend: ya i guess it's one thing that is super tough for people to understand

1:46 PM me: yeah, and i don't blame them. I know the idea grosses people out

friend: for sure

me: it'll take alot of doing for us to get where people feel comfortable around us

1:47 PM and i think part of it, may be people like me being open about it

friend: open about it but acknowledging that u aren't giving into it

1:48 PM me: yeah, and both the Sga people and the straight people need to realize its just part of the person

not the whole thing

friend: ya

me: so you don't want to be identified as "that gay guy"

but as Me

friend: but it's not like it's the kind of thing that hasn't been around for a long time tho u know

1:49 PM right

me: who plays frisbee,eats to much, loves mario kart, and is attracted to men.

you '

re right

i don't know why it is more of a problem now. Part of it is how big of a deal it is in society

friend: i think it has a bad rap especially is cuz of all the flamin gays that are just as bad or worse then the loudest anti gay lobbiest u know

1:50 PM me: oh yeah, i hear ya

those gusy suck

and they want to be seperate from everyone

they don't want to fit in

they're inspired by the devil.

1:51 PM friend: ya

and they give the rest of the group a bad name

me: for sure.

1:52 PM a guy last night compared it to adam and eve in the garden

After they ate the fruit, satan tried to shame them.

he told them to hide

friend: ya

me: then God told them to come forth

and not be proud of the transgression,

1:53 PM but not to be shamed into hiding either

both pride and shame don't work with this

even though for many it isn't a sin

friend: ya as long as they don't give in

1:54 PM me: yeah,

friend: just like if anyone has a bad thot

they can't let it remain in their mind

me: yeah, for sure

friend: gotta change what's goin on on the stage of their mind

1:55 PM me: yeah just like all those talks when we were teenagers

friend: cuz like in my situation, it's easy for me to think of what it would be like if (redacted) and I were married u know

and some of those thots r ok

me: yeah, but the ones that arouse stuff, you gotta put off

friend: some of them u shouldn't ponder much until ur married u know!

me: yeah

1:56 PM friend: ya

cuz u can't fulfill them so why waste ur time with them

me: yep. exactly

friend: it's like gettin all excited to go play some sport but knowing beforehand that u can't play

1:57 PM me: yeah, no need to do it

friend: no point in even gettin excited about it cuz it ain't happenin!

so we all have our temptations

me: yeah we do. they did talk a little about how marraige can work for us

that was cool, i wish they would have talked more.

1:58 PM friend: ya

maybe they've written more about it

me: basically, its a deal where you develop the relationship, and then the intimacy comes later

because you know the person so well.

friend: interesting

1:59 PM ya

me: kinda the reverse of how it can happen for you guys

i mean the desire for intamcy doesn't even come until you really know and care about the person

friend: for sure attraction comes first

the whole reason i ask a girl out in the beginning

me: yeah, you have the whole sexual tension thing

2:00 PM friend: always


me: which is good, its there to make ya want to be with the women

friend: especially since (redacted) is a babe

me: yeah she is.

the SGA is almost always there for the whole life, so i can't expect it do leave,

but i can expect to manage it

2:01 PM my parents heard that part

i was glad for that

friend: interesting

2:03 PM get them on the same page as u

2:07 PM me: yeah, cause its hard for me to get through to them sometimes

like they just want to fix it for me, so they need to tell me instead of the other way around

not in a bad way, but its like that sometimes

2:08 PM so when they hear from stake presidents and bishops and stuff, it helps.

friend: ya i hear ya

me: plus the spirit was pretty strong last night

friend: just gotta understand that it's not something that u can just "fix"

2:09 PM me: yeah, it i thought I could grow outta it or pray and fast, but I think its my life long companion

friend: ya

me: but if God ever wants to take it fine with me

friend: tough but could b the case

2:10 PM haha


2:11 PM me: anyways, a really good thing overall. dude, you mind if I post this on my blog? i'll taek your name out

2:12 PM friend: which thing?

2:13 PM me: just our talk. i wanted to put a recap of the conference up. and i've said pretty much all of it here. It'd be on my secret blog, not this one


friend: that's fine

2:14 PM ya, without a name on it it can't do any harm

2:19 PM me: yeah, you know, i got a lot of that from yesterday

i'm feeling a ton more optomistic then i am sometimes

friend: good

2:20 PM plus, Brazil just won

3-0 baby

me: yeah buddy, they kiled them

2:22 PM friend: sweet

2:24 PM me: man, good stuff. i think i gotta talk to my siblings this week, and take things to the next level with that girl.

friend: u ready for this jiggs?

ur siblings dont know right?

2:25 PM and what's the next level with That girl brotha?

me: no they don't, but 7 people from (hometown) saw me that i know about. its better for me to tell them then the kid down the street

2:26 PM well probably being more serious, more date type things with (a certain girl)

friend: ya man, that's true

that's cool bro

i hope u guys enjoy it!

2:27 PM me: yeah, it'll be fun.

friend: u got anything planned right now?

2:28 PM me: no, she has really wanted to watch this chick flick, so i guess that'll be on for tomorrow after instittue

friend: haha

2:29 PM ya bro

gotta hit it up!

maybe a little fun snugglage

dont have to kiss her or anything

me: yeah, dude, i might try it. who konws

friend: just maybe some side body contact!

gotta start somewhere!

me: yeah, can probably get that going

2:30 PM friend: geterdone son!

2:31 PM me: i'll let you know how it goes

friend: ok doke

get some work in now

me: k, good talking to ya

friend: aight

take it easy


2:32 PM me: cya