Friday, January 14, 2011


It might be weird to think about progress in light of my post yesterday. But let me point out a few areas i have progressed in.

So I had a major depressive episode that climaxed yesterday. I've had them before, probably will have them again. And while i didn't handle it perfectly, i handled it much better than before.

1st, i didn't keep it all in. Shame relies on isolation, at least for me. I told my NS friends, my sports boards friends, my blog friends, and my real life friends. In the past it would have been kept deep inside. now I have many people who have reached out to me. I feel much better. Indy and I had a long chat yesterday. So nice to have a friend to rely on.

2nd. I didn't try to dull or escape the pain unhealthily. Wednesday night I could feel the urge to get dull the pain in non constructive ways. I took my computer power cord and gave it to a friend. I tried to stay busy cleaning the apartment. I did not give in to the internet, self abuse, or even binge eating. I did eat a lot at a party, but that's normal, and another thing to work on.

3rd. I tried to do things to feel better. Listened to some "real men of genius" great comedy. went and did some temple work. Prayed, invited friends over for X files, had monkey war, played New Super Mario Bros Wii with friends. All these things helped a ton.

There are things I should do that I didn't. I could be proactive in seeking help. Exercise really helps me. And removing the stress. Sure this ended up being about me and SGA, but it really started with stress, the stress came from work. And in this case the work stress was avoidable. I need to minimize the stress in my life, or at least not create more.

Anyway. There you go. feeling better. Glad to be here. Thank you EVERYONE for your support.


Thursday, January 13, 2011

Dark and Scary Place

I don't know how it started, but its grown for several weeks. On the rollercoaster of life, I'm on a steep slope down.

Now its mostly in my head, which I suppose it good. But I fear that the darkness will lead me to do things that I don't want to do.

Anyway, friends and anonymous internet readers, i'm going to unload. I need to drop some of this and see if i can keep it off.

WHY, i know an freaking cliche, why me. But really why do i go through all this. I know its brought me closer to God, but its so darn painful. The isolation sucks. I don't always connect with people. Is the pain worth it. is it really worth it.

But then I come to "if it isn't worth it, then what" how to relieve the pain. Two obvious options exist, first go be gay. Why not. Maybe i'll find relief there. Maybe i just need to stop trying to resist these urges. What if the pain is coming from my resistance. What if i don't resist, will it still hurt? Will it still sting. Why not just close the book on this part of my life, try a new one.

But that isn't an option for me. There is a God right? i know there is. I've felt him, friends may deny, but He is there. I mean he's answered my prayers, sent me tons of help, and He doesn't want me to give in right?

Because the Church is His. While people in it are imperfect, its the vehicle He has for me. His oracles tell me not to go be gay. I want the joys of family, I want children.

And while that may not happen, now or later, its what i want ultimatly in life. But that also is a source of frustration. Dang it Red, do you really think that if I just kiss a girl this will all go away? Why do I have to prove the validity of my trail to you. I bear my freakin' soul to you and all you tell me is to find a floozy, make out, and see if I like it.

WHAT THE HECK! Come on man. Its been years I've dealt with this. I ain't not frog prince waiting for a kiss to set me free. I know you want the best for me, and you are a good friend, but I'm not making this up. My feelings are real. Dang it, why don't you read the crap I give you. Why don't you find out a little bit about what I go through. We don't always talk about it, but why won't you try to see how things are for me. You're my bro, you've been there for me when i'm at my lowest. I just wish you'd try to understand this more.

I know its a weird, thing. I know you probably find it repulsive, i know i did and still do. But please understand its what I deal with, not in some imagination, but in my real life.

I really wish i could get over the crappy shame. Why do i hate myself so much for this. Why can't I find that peace of mind others have. They have this peace emanating from them. But i shake when I think about the fag that I am. I dispise it. I wish I could cut that part out of me.

But I can't. I've tried, it doesn't leave. The sick twisted vile thing just won't leave, its like a parasite wrapped around my heart, its tendrils sinking deep into the tissues. If I remove one, i lose the other. SO its mine, its me. I've got to learn how to be OK with that. To not tremble with self hate when I think about it.

I used to love being alone with my thoughts. Now I fear it. the shame, hate, and vile feelings come.

My head knows that I have done nothing wrong in God's plan. He gave or allowed this to happen, i've never given into it. I don't have any need to feel hatred, i should feel proud for being faithful,

But I don't. I hate it. I want it to go away and never come back.

Indy, I'm just to ashamed to share the deep stuff with you. YOu've always been supportive, but i'm afraid that no one can respect the crap in my head. I know you probably would. Just to hard to overcome the internal barrier.

The other impossible option is to end it. I don't want to, but its the other option my freaking messed up head presents. The pain would end. The loathing would be gone. I wouldn't suck at work anymore, or feel like a tiny atoll in the middle of the Pacific. Maybe I'd just cease to exist.

But that is not an option.

With the darkness, the Hellish thoughts, I also have deep joy. Joy that runs through the veins feeding the whole person.

I have friends, good friends. Its been years since i've had such good friends, but i have them. really some of the best friends of my life. When the tide of darkness recedes I see I'm not alone, but surrounded by loving friends and family. Sometimes ignorant, but loving.

How selfish would it be to leave them with a hole. Leave them questioning if its their fault. No, ending it all is not an option. It is the pinnacle of selfishness. Family doesn't deserve a whole in their lives, and empty chair at the dinner table. I would rather endure hell on earth for the next fifty years than leave my brothers, and other brothers. My Mother and father. My sister. My friends, with the pain of my death.

Plus there is a reason for all this right? God has a reason for my trials. IN the end the pay off will be great. "For a little while have i forsaken thee, but with great mercy shall i gather thee." I'm no Joseph, but my trials have a purpose.

So with those two options out of the picture. here I am. my ability greatly reduced by bouncing brimstone in the head, a colliding cacophony of doubt and loathing (when I start alliterating you know I'm felling better).

As much as I hate the paralyzing fear. The times i shake and can't go on. The only valid option is to go on. To seek for help from others, to pray that I can make it. And to realize that the term "hold to the rod" is the greatest understatement of all time.

(thanks for reading my self indulgent pity party.)

Post Script:

My life has some great things in it. I don't hate everything. I actually get a lot of joy out of the stuff i do, my friends, and family. When I'm not in the dark place I love living, messing around, writing, learning new things, just hanging out and joking around burning snow men, going to Cougar games, reading, playing Wii. I have some of the best friends and support anyone could have. Really, and just messing around with them is a vacation. Monkey wars are the bomb.

My life isn't encapsulated by this entry. Just the thoughts I have when I reach my dark place.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

Notes from Jan Matis fireside

God knows we must endure. If we give up he won
We must find God's mission for us. It's not too late. Read nephi, jacob, mormon and moroni 's last chapter. God knows how to save me. And us. Somedays getting out of bed is enduring well . Take strengths and use them against weaknesses. Lord is bound when we do what he says. He not we have no promise. Or at his depareuion. It will be a perfect judgment. Too much guilt. Do the best we can . We should not condemn harshly those who sin in ways other than ours. Left game justice. Right game is mercy. Sometimes we think we've left the gospel when we haven't. Tendency and weakness are not sin unless acted on. It only lasts as long as it needs to get back. Eternal life is living like God Much progression after this life. God is not a failure. God is merciful to ignorance. Write down the things i know of my experience that Jesus knows because of his. E understands our experience. Surges in blessings require harsh trials.