Thursday, January 13, 2011

Dark and Scary Place

I don't know how it started, but its grown for several weeks. On the rollercoaster of life, I'm on a steep slope down.

Now its mostly in my head, which I suppose it good. But I fear that the darkness will lead me to do things that I don't want to do.

Anyway, friends and anonymous internet readers, i'm going to unload. I need to drop some of this and see if i can keep it off.

WHY, i know an freaking cliche, why me. But really why do i go through all this. I know its brought me closer to God, but its so darn painful. The isolation sucks. I don't always connect with people. Is the pain worth it. is it really worth it.

But then I come to "if it isn't worth it, then what" how to relieve the pain. Two obvious options exist, first go be gay. Why not. Maybe i'll find relief there. Maybe i just need to stop trying to resist these urges. What if the pain is coming from my resistance. What if i don't resist, will it still hurt? Will it still sting. Why not just close the book on this part of my life, try a new one.

But that isn't an option for me. There is a God right? i know there is. I've felt him, friends may deny, but He is there. I mean he's answered my prayers, sent me tons of help, and He doesn't want me to give in right?

Because the Church is His. While people in it are imperfect, its the vehicle He has for me. His oracles tell me not to go be gay. I want the joys of family, I want children.

And while that may not happen, now or later, its what i want ultimatly in life. But that also is a source of frustration. Dang it Red, do you really think that if I just kiss a girl this will all go away? Why do I have to prove the validity of my trail to you. I bear my freakin' soul to you and all you tell me is to find a floozy, make out, and see if I like it.

WHAT THE HECK! Come on man. Its been years I've dealt with this. I ain't not frog prince waiting for a kiss to set me free. I know you want the best for me, and you are a good friend, but I'm not making this up. My feelings are real. Dang it, why don't you read the crap I give you. Why don't you find out a little bit about what I go through. We don't always talk about it, but why won't you try to see how things are for me. You're my bro, you've been there for me when i'm at my lowest. I just wish you'd try to understand this more.

I know its a weird, thing. I know you probably find it repulsive, i know i did and still do. But please understand its what I deal with, not in some imagination, but in my real life.

I really wish i could get over the crappy shame. Why do i hate myself so much for this. Why can't I find that peace of mind others have. They have this peace emanating from them. But i shake when I think about the fag that I am. I dispise it. I wish I could cut that part out of me.

But I can't. I've tried, it doesn't leave. The sick twisted vile thing just won't leave, its like a parasite wrapped around my heart, its tendrils sinking deep into the tissues. If I remove one, i lose the other. SO its mine, its me. I've got to learn how to be OK with that. To not tremble with self hate when I think about it.

I used to love being alone with my thoughts. Now I fear it. the shame, hate, and vile feelings come.

My head knows that I have done nothing wrong in God's plan. He gave or allowed this to happen, i've never given into it. I don't have any need to feel hatred, i should feel proud for being faithful,

But I don't. I hate it. I want it to go away and never come back.

Indy, I'm just to ashamed to share the deep stuff with you. YOu've always been supportive, but i'm afraid that no one can respect the crap in my head. I know you probably would. Just to hard to overcome the internal barrier.

The other impossible option is to end it. I don't want to, but its the other option my freaking messed up head presents. The pain would end. The loathing would be gone. I wouldn't suck at work anymore, or feel like a tiny atoll in the middle of the Pacific. Maybe I'd just cease to exist.

But that is not an option.

With the darkness, the Hellish thoughts, I also have deep joy. Joy that runs through the veins feeding the whole person.

I have friends, good friends. Its been years since i've had such good friends, but i have them. really some of the best friends of my life. When the tide of darkness recedes I see I'm not alone, but surrounded by loving friends and family. Sometimes ignorant, but loving.

How selfish would it be to leave them with a hole. Leave them questioning if its their fault. No, ending it all is not an option. It is the pinnacle of selfishness. Family doesn't deserve a whole in their lives, and empty chair at the dinner table. I would rather endure hell on earth for the next fifty years than leave my brothers, and other brothers. My Mother and father. My sister. My friends, with the pain of my death.

Plus there is a reason for all this right? God has a reason for my trials. IN the end the pay off will be great. "For a little while have i forsaken thee, but with great mercy shall i gather thee." I'm no Joseph, but my trials have a purpose.

So with those two options out of the picture. here I am. my ability greatly reduced by bouncing brimstone in the head, a colliding cacophony of doubt and loathing (when I start alliterating you know I'm felling better).

As much as I hate the paralyzing fear. The times i shake and can't go on. The only valid option is to go on. To seek for help from others, to pray that I can make it. And to realize that the term "hold to the rod" is the greatest understatement of all time.

(thanks for reading my self indulgent pity party.)

Post Script:

My life has some great things in it. I don't hate everything. I actually get a lot of joy out of the stuff i do, my friends, and family. When I'm not in the dark place I love living, messing around, writing, learning new things, just hanging out and joking around burning snow men, going to Cougar games, reading, playing Wii. I have some of the best friends and support anyone could have. Really, and just messing around with them is a vacation. Monkey wars are the bomb.

My life isn't encapsulated by this entry. Just the thoughts I have when I reach my dark place.


  1. When I was suicidal a few years ago, one of the only things that brought me a small degree of solace was writing. I saw what often happened to me in what you've written above. It is this: toward the end of your entry your perspective increases. There's a little more light in the darkness. Take a look at a portion of my story starting with the url below, if you like, that is. If you do, I'm interested in what you think about the process. Whether you read it or not, I hope that you will continue to write your own story and that you will continue to find that it helps--hopefully even more than you think it will. Safe journey!

  2. Don't make the mistake of believing that if you "go be gay", things will immediately get better. After someone comes out and starts living openly and being "actively gay", it takes time (often years) and a lot of patience for things to finally get where one feels they should be. I'm not saying it wouldn't be better (it probably would be in the end, in my opinion), but you're creating a false dichotomy by believing that it would be an escape. Don't fall into the trap of either comparing your life to a fantasy gay life in which you don't have any problems, because you will have problems, or "going gay" expecting for everything to be sunshine and rainbows, because it won't be. Life is never easy, but it can be rewarding no matter what direction one takes.

  3. As someone who battles depression on an ongoing basis, I recognize and empathize with your darkness. I always experienced large amounts of frustration at the lack of answers to my problems. I would ask and probe and search for answers but always came up with the same thing: good nutrition, intense physical exertion, social interaction, intellectual, spiritual, and creative stimulation. It all seemed like fluff until I actually tried it. Made a list of things that excited me in each category and made sure I got at least a small dose of it all every day, or as often as possible even if it seemed insignificant or impossible to do.
    But that was my answer. Don't stop trying to find yours. It will come.