Sunday, December 15, 2013

Neighbor, Hometeacher, Friend.

He's been teh only guy who's home taught me in years.  I was happy he came, for several reasons. It's good to be cared about.  It's good to have someone ask about your welbeing.  It's good to have a friend...And it's even all the better when he's one of those attractive men.  Not just in sight, but in person. 

He came, and i felt like we opened up and had a genuine conversation.  He said i was one of his best friends in the ward, which i found interesting.  I think men in general are so starved for friendship sometimes any little bit helps.  We talked about that, about how good it is to develop close relationships.  How good it is.   He is leaving, but he was grateful i had been nice to him--how interesting.  He seems to have it all.  He acknowledged that women don't give you everything, but men need men.

A culture change is coming.  The fear of close male friendship will leave us.  

He said a nice prayer for me, and we just naturally went in for a hug after.  He is a righteous man, and a good man, and a friend.  

I'm glad i had him as a hometeacher.  

I feel warm, comforted, loved, appreciated.  He thanked me for my example.  and said he knew i'd make it.  

Monday, December 9, 2013

Church Changing

Just my thoughts on it. Re, marriage and the homosexual

My understanding is that God does not want gay marriage. The plan is between a man an a woman, and kids.

That's how i live my life, either through a life of celibacy, (attempted) or possibly a marriage to a woman.

I think there is a blessing in following that

Could the gospel be changed, or at least my understanding of it?

yeah. I mean people used to go get sealed to Joseph smith in the temples. guys and ladies, from my understanding. It was different than marriage.

i guess in my mind i could see a way it could be accommodated in the church

BUT that does not mean i think it will or should be accommodated.

because, what the Lord has called me to do now, is to follow the prophet, to follow the gospel.

Much like the members of the genesis group.

But i think it is much more likely that the Lord doesn't change the teachings. And i'm not gonna live my life hoping that it does change.

There is a path laid out. I can be exalted without marriage in this life.

Will the atonement change? NO

Will the truthfulness of the priesthood change? NO

Will the commandments to love my neighbor and God change? NO

Will 95% of what i am taught at church change? probably not

The church is living, breathing, and revelation does continue to come. "we believe ...He will yet reveal many great and important things pertaining to the kingdom of God"

we don't have it all yet folks.

So the key for me, is live what i do have, BUT not get stuck on the idea that the church is unchanging. cause we don't' know everything yet, but when change comes, it won't come from ME, it'll come from those at the head. And if i think change is being revealed to me, it isn't, and that'll open the path for me to be mislead.

Friday, December 6, 2013

Deck the Halls

Christmas!  For many people it appears to be one of the greatest transfers of childhood memories and family tradition. 

Just read about how different countries have entirely different traditions, and the staying power becomes apparant.  Sometimes added too, but pretty hard to subtract.

Thanksgiving by contrast is varied, sometimes we'll go to a buffet, sometimes extended family, sometimes the church, sometimes just four of us.

But Christmas,

oh the joys of the Christmas tradition. Gingerbread houses, reenacting the Nativity story, children all sleeping in the same room.  Cold Cereal for breakfast (which was a real treat, we never had that growing up)  and so much more.  Presents, Giant trees, outside lights. 

I love it all

then on New Years Eve, we put out our shoes, and teh New Years Elf, fills them with simple things, jerkey, candy, a inexpensive gift.

I love how it is done the same that it was in my father's house, and with things added from my mothers.

And yeah, the point of all this was i want to pass it on to my children.

along with so much more.

but, inspite of my blog name, i'm more of a confirmed bachelor than ever. 

Monday, November 18, 2013

Family Prayers

Shaking Sobbing, the mother dampens her pillow.

My son, the golden one, lost.  God bless him, he runs from you.  God bless him I don’t know what to do.  You’re all I need, and so should he be friends with you for eternity.

I’m scared for him.  He hurts so much.  Please take this curse away from him. Take this curse and stop the sin. I’m losing, he's slipping, he’ll be gone soon.  God save him, help me reach him.  Keep him from sin

The path to God, is straight and clear.  There’s only one way, and that’s what I most fear.  That he will leave.  That he won’t stay.  That he will try to get there by some other way. 

Boy. Man. Marriage. Child.  That’s the path for him.  That’s the path away from Sin.  Any other way, and he is falling prey, to lies and darkness he’s the devils prey.


Burning, yearning the son is full of passion.  Striving, to learn, striving to understand. 

He yells at God.  He is angry.  But he has started to know.  If the supreme being of the universe wanted to take it away, He could.  But he doesn’t.  There is something to learn here.

God why, God, I feel your love.  What is the path with this trial.  Why do they not understand.  Why do they feel I’m lost, and falling, when I feel I’m progressing.  Lord you are all I need…but I think you want more for me.  I think you want me to figure out this life.  This life of unscratchable itch.  To navigate it.  To love it. While not lusting in it.

God, I am Gay.  I don’t know what made me this way.  God.  I love you so, even though I curse your name from down below.  I am finding my way.  I am finding my way, I am with you today, and forever I pray

Thursday, November 14, 2013


I hear a lot of different opinions on marriage for ssa/gay mormons. 

Some saying the church says not to get married, some saying that it can fix it.

I appreciate this quote from Elder Oaks.  It aligns with where i stand

"PUBLIC AFFAIRS: Is heterosexual marriage ever an option for those with homosexual feelings?
ELDER OAKS: We are sometimes asked about whether marriage is a remedy for these feelings that we have been talking about. President Hinckley, faced with the fact that apparently some had believed it to be a remedy, and perhaps that some Church leaders had even counseled marriage as the remedy for these feelings, made this statement: “Marriage should not be viewed as a therapeutic step to solve problems such as homosexual inclinations or practices.” To me that means that we are not going to stand still to put at risk daughters of God who would enter into such marriages under false pretenses or under a cloud unknown to them. Persons who have this kind of challenge that they cannot control could not enter marriage in good faith.
On the other hand, persons who have cleansed themselves of any transgression and who have shown their ability to deal with these feelings or inclinations and put them in the background, and feel a great attraction for a daughter of God and therefore desire to enter marriage and have children and enjoy the blessings of eternity — that’s a situation when marriage would be appropriate.
President Hinckley said that marriage is not a therapeutic step to solve problems."

Which means, i might get married, but i don't need to.  It won't remove my feelings, and there does need to be attraction to the partner.  Which i Have seen happen, some even saying their wife is the only person of the other gender they have ever been attracted to.

Now, i'm sure many of us have had parents, friends, church leaders or even ourselves worry  "if you don't get married in this life, you'll never be exhalted. 
That has never jived with me.  I don't think it's true.  I think the Lord is merciful and judges us on our heart.    Consider this passage from Lorenzo Snow

"A lady came into our office the other day and asked to see me on a private matter. She informed me that she felt very badly, because her opportunities for getting a husband had not been favorable. … She wanted to know what her condition would be in the other life, if she did not succeed getting a husband in this life. I suppose this question arises in the hearts of our young people. … I desire to give a little explanation for the comfort and consolation of parties in this condition. There is no Latter-day Saint who dies after having lived a faithful life who will lose anything because of having failed to do certain things when opportunities were not furnished him or her. In other words, if a young man or a young woman has no opportunity of getting married, and they live faithful lives up to the time of their death, they will have all the blessings, exaltation and glory that any man or woman will have who had this opportunity and improved it. That is sure and positive. 
People who have no opportunity of marrying in this life, if they die in the Lord, will have means furnished them by which they can secure all the blessings necessary for persons in the married condition. The Lord is merciful and kind, and He is not unjust. There is no injustice in Him; yet we could scarcely look upon it as being just when a woman or a man dies without having had the opportunity of marrying if it could not be remedied in the other life. There would be injustice in that, and we know that the Lord is not an unjust being. My sister Eliza R. Snow, I believe, was just as good a woman as any Latter-day Saint woman that ever lived, and she lived in an unmarried state until she was beyond the condition of raising a family. … I cannot for one moment imagine that she will lose a single thing on that account. It will be made up to her in the other life, and she will have just as great a kingdom as she would have had if she had had the opportunity in this life of raising a family.7"

Giving myself a pass on marriage, has really decreased my stress.  Realizng, i can be faithful, and not get married.  I needn't worry about being condemend.  I would love a family, and if somehow i become best friends with a lady-type and i am attracted to her, and kissing her is a fun activity, adn sometimes my heart rate rises when i'm around her, and she has similar responses to me, then great.  If not, I can be an awesome gay uncle, and travel.  Not as fun as being a dad, but still kinda fun.  

So that's my take on marriage right now.  Feeling good.  Heck, maybe i need to change the name of the blog.  But that'd take time and stuff.

Also, on referring to myself as gay rather than ssa...just trying it out.  I have issues, trying to get over hate and stuff.  I can be a gay mormon, and that doesn't mean i'm leaving the church.   the church lets people who identify as gay post on their profiles.  It's a lot less wordy than same sex attraction.  


Tuesday, November 12, 2013

The Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference

The source of their contempt, the Reconciling Faith and Feelings Conference is in Provo this week.  Is great.  The purpose of the conference is to help people who want to stay in the church, or who aren't sure.  I went last year, it was very helpful.  It's also good for supporters of ssa people.  They have panels for church leaders and friends and family as well.

Edited to remove link and reference to the group

Thursday, November 7, 2013

Eat it Straighties, why you gotta be so girly!

"New scientific findings from the Center for Theoretical Study at Charles University in Prague, and The Academy of Sciences of the Czech Republic, indicate there is a very clear difference between the faces of straight men and the faces of gay men.  Perhaps the most intriguing discovery in the mountain of data collected by the team is that the faces of gay men were consistently ranked as more masculine than the faces of straight men."

All in good fun.  

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Beneath Asylum Lane

My All Hallows Eve Offering
The Buildings themselves looked like ghosts.  A sickly green light, lit the two whitewashed buildings of the State Hospital for the Insane.  Abandoned for years, it was here i brought my dates.  It was here I'd tell them stories, it was here, they'd squeeze my arms, as tales of mental torture slithered from my lips.

Mad Doctors, inhuman therapy, possession rather than pathology, were the ingredients for my stories.  

Tonight my audience was one.  Myself.  My stage, not the steamed windows of my old ford pickup, but the grate found in between the buildings and whatever rested below.

I got to work using a car jack and a tire iron.  Leveraging the grate against itself.  I bent the iron, but gained admittance.  Now to see if there really was a network of tunnels under the old hospital. Where the most delicate work occurred.

I climbed down the rusted rungs, and easily jimmied the door.  Descended a flight of stairs.  There I was.  In a long tunnel, running farther than my light fell.  Water dripped, rats scurried, my breaths deepened.

First I entered what must have been an observation room.  Using my sleeve i wiped the grime off the one way mirror, to reveal a rusted chair, upholstery was either never there, or had been taken by some animal for it's nest.  Half moon clamps were on the arm rests and where ankles would have been.  A leather strap, with holes like a belt hung from the head rest.  

The room had chains along the walls, and a table with similar restraints.  I quickly left the observation room and entered the room proper.  I saw a mummy. No not the kind you'd find in a pyramid, but what appeared to be the remains of one of the former patients.  I gagged. His flesh was nearly eaten away by the smaller residents of this tomb.  He had on the remains of a jumpsuit, and the name Jones, over his right breast. "Well Jonesy, what brings you down here?” I told him my name, and stuck out my hand in a mock gesture. “Let's be friends.”

I swear I heard my name.  Not from the mummy, but from the hallway.  

I left my new friend in the floor where i found him and returned to the hallway.  A door shut farther down.  It was time to leave.  I returned to the stairs to get out, or at least where the stairs should have been, but there was nothing.  I searched in circles, wondering where they could have gone.  

The chains rattled in a yet unexplored room.  My head got dizzy.  I sat down.

The hallway got foggy.  Blurry.  I heard my name again, but just my last name.   I looked up and saw a strong man in all white grabbing me to my feet.  He and another equally strong man, drug me farther down the hallway, which was lit now.  The dripping was gone.  it was all blurry, i tried to speak, i tried to move, but i couldn't  We entered another room third man, in a long white coat ordered them to do something and i was strapped in a chair.  Non rusted.  Wrists, ankles and head were all restrained.

"what is your name"

I answered

"Why are you here?"

I just wanted to see what was down here?

The man in the long coat looked meaningfully at someone i couldn't see.

"are you sorry for what you've done"

yes, i'll leave

"you can't leave.  what if you hurt more people?"

i haven't hurt anyone, i swear.

"now we're back to this.  You must be sorry, we'll help you be sorry"

They all left, and a warm liquid started dripping on my hand.  A mild irritant at first, but as the minutes stretched on, it burned.  It rand down my hand, and dripped into a puddle on the floor.  within minutes my hand was on fire.  Hours the hand had been eaten away by whatever acid had been dripping there. I couldn't' see it, but i felt it was gone.  I felt the fingers fall off one by one, then the palm.

They returned.

"are you sorry?"

Yes, i pleaded.  I am so sorry, let me leave.

"Sorry for what?"

For whatever i did to deserve this.

"But what did you do?"

I came down here, i'm so sorry

"You didn't come down here.  We brought you here."

I was just exploring!

"I can see we have a lot to of work to do. Bring the drill."

The drill was brought, it slowly lowered down toward my nose.   

"Tell me why you're here.  I can save you."


"Tell me. This doesn't have to happen."


The drill was so close i could no longer focus on it.  I saw two drills approaching both noses.

"This is your last chance.  You can return to your family that's still alive.  Tell me why you're here"


The drilled hit the cartilage.  I blacked out.

It wasn't very hard for them to find me once the started looking.  My car was feet from the open grate. I came to strapped into the old metal chair.  In the same room as my buddy the corpse.  The cops wanted to know who came down with me, who had strapped me into the chair.  I didn't know.  I didn't tell them what i saw.

As they freed me from the chair, i glanced over at the dusty old mirror, in a flash i saw the room, clean, brightly lit, and a man wearing a jumpsuit with the name Jones, written above the left breast, strapped in the chair, with a drill slowly inching toward his face.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Climbing out of Hell

Depression.  It's real.  It sucks.  I've been struggling with it the last while.  Probably since the end of August.

It got pretty bad.  Drove me to start counseling again.  WHich is good.  But this last week, I've seen nudges that have helped me slowly climb out of this shadowland, where i'm surrounded by a voice of hate that seeks to bind me.

I just wanted to share them.  I know they may not mean as much to you.  But Bit by Bit these things helped me.

It started last Saturday in General Conference.  Elder Holland gave a great talk about depression.  He mentioned that if we are sick in the body we don't just think righteous living will fix it, and it shoudl be the same with the mind.  WE can have blessings, and medicine, and counseling to help us. 

It helped, but it was really a precursor to other events.

I recognized that reading a book, can help me with my depression.  So i started reading a book called Beyonders.  Nothing Spectacular, but i had stopped reading it for about 6 months.  And when i picked it up, certain passages seemed to be just what i needed to hear right now.--Actually writing this I see it was October 1st is.  It talked about how we need to see the entire choice we are making.  Instead of pretending that there is NOTHING good that could come from living a gay life. Look at see, what i would gain, and what i would lose, alsot to see what i would gain and what i would lose from living a celibate or mixed orientation marriage lifestyle. That was good, it helps to see reality and what I am giving up.

Anyway, as i reflect i see there has been help from God for the last several weeks.

Tuesday, the thinker won a contest for a powerful essay.  His essay was about struggle, and overcoming.  It was powerful.  He didn't actually win, but placed.  He just won in my head.

Thursday I planned on attending a play called Suessical a good friend called...Slayer was in.  I only expected it to be a fun play that i could take my niece and nephew to for a fun time. 

This good friend, messaged me before the show about how one of the songs had a special meaning for him, when he was going through a hard time.  it was

The message that we can feel alone in the universe.  But if we find just one true friend, it's ok...And my friend added that that friend was Christ.  He can be our one true friend in the universe.  Seeing this play was really the time i gained an upward momentum out of depression. 

Later i got to see another friend, the Trout,  He talked with me, and things were good.  He talkeda bout depression and how i deal with it.  So good to have a good friend.  Later we joined with Knees and Rex,and played some Mario Kart, and had pie and Nachos. 

This morning was feeling better, the voice was gone, but down.  I saw a powerful message of hope from the Voices of Hope project.  

And so now, i'm just feeling good.  The dark voice is silence.  and while i have rough times still, i am feeling better. Sure it's not forever.  and I'm sure i will still have rough times.  But it's been good.  For the first time in a long time I am feeling better.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about some of the powerful things i have seen this week, that seemed to be just for me.   Thanks to God and all my friends, who have helped me find light recently.

It means so much to be happier, to be out of the shame valley.   I'm glad.  Thanks be to God, and the world.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


Do we ever find joy?

The kind of lasting joy with permanence

Do we ever find joy?

The kinds that does not fade away

Are we relegated to slowly move from happy hill to happy hill,

With hundreds of miles of dark valley on the way

Do we ever find peace?

The kind that stays with us the night

Do we ever find Love?

The kind that lasts eternally

Do we ever find one, who loves us like no other

And does that one ever not be so gay

Do we ever find out?

What the purpose of this is

Do we ever stop hating

The drive within our sould

Do we ever not feel, like some outcast bastard son?

Will we ever find wholeness and love

Will the urges I feel?

Ever be pure and holy

Will the voices in my head?

Ever say something nice.

Will I ever be free, To climb up to my glory

Or am I doomed to be shackled for the rest of my life?

Will I ever love God, more than I do my urges

Will I ever know why, he let me be this way

Will I ever stop running, away from being happy

Will I ever even stop, and know the way

Will I ever not fear, the end of my story?

Will I ever be strong enough to pass through the day

Without doubts of myself, and doubts of His Glory

Will His Love ever stay, and keep dark away

When I Lie on my bed, after a life of ages

Will I be all alone, as I pass away

Will my family be dreams, just a made up story

Will I have what I need, to make it to that day

Does God really care, about people like me

Does God have a plan, that makes sense of pain

Does God really know, when im doing poorly

Does he love me enough, to show me the way.

I guess that he has, and he sent a Savior

Who bought my soul, with blood dropped pain

As he carried the cross, he carried my glory

If I make it through, to that judgment day.

Or so they say.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Ups and Downs

Been having some down times lately.  Some really down times.   and my ups are just times i'm not down.

But I'm working on it.  Starting counseling again.   I'll get outta this.

Monday, September 2, 2013

Again? I thought i already came out

Lots of fun stuff going on lately.  Some down, but mostly up.

Not gonna get in all of it, but after i got back from JiM i felt a few times that i might be supposed to make a voices of hope video.

Which brings up a side question of how the fam would like that.


so the week up in the homestead was fun.  Saw the icebro a few times.  Way fun, he photo’d the fam for a website and we went to Westland.  Saw a rodeo.  Dad decided i need a “grand endeavor”  and he is right.  I’ve been thinking about focusing on a novel, a website for readers, or getting a degree in recreational management so i can run programs.  Haven't decided yet.   Fun times with the Fam.  Got a little bogged down.   Need to make sure we don’t say mean, sarcastic things… or remember that they probably are not being mean, but are trying to get banter going--like men are wont to do.

So, kdog asked me on facebook to think about a voices of hope video.  He thought i “was ready”  whatever that means.

But considering what i’ve gone through, and how much people have helped me through their  videos, i decided to consider it.  

So it was part of my fast yesterday.  That and to find a way to pay my tithing, so i can get back to the temple.

Anyway, in ward council the idea first popped into my head.  I put it off.  Then it came up again in sacrament meeting--the idea being that i need to bear testimoney about SSA in the ward.

Odd.  I was not pleased.  I already did this last year, I don’t want the people i know to think that i am in your face about it. And i didn’t want the new peopl, which was over half, to have their introduction to the stoic russet be that i liked men.  I mean i’m ok with people knowing… but like to get to know them better first.

Well it kept being on my mind.  I was also legitimately afriad that I was doing it for attention.  

I decided to try to put it on someone else.  Texted Bro C-T who was presiding.  He was not all that helpful.  Didn’t respond, but MV did.  Said, don’t ever ignore a prompting.  So i did.

Went up there, not near as nervous this time, but still plenty nervous.  Read the fourth verse of Reverently and Meekly Now
4. At the throne I intercede;
For thee ever do I plead.
 have loved thee as thy friend,
With a love that cannot end.
Be obedient, I implore,
Prayerful, watchful evermore,
And be constant unto me,
That thy Savior I may be.

 Then bore testimony directly about how it is possible to live the gospel with SSA and be happy.  That it and all our trials or whatever we want to call them can be hard, but we don’t have to be miserable and sad through them.  That we can hold on to the iron rod, but still find joy in our journey.

It was good.  I felt the Spirit, and i can’t deny that God was prompting me or at least didn’t care to stop me.  

Went out, speed walked around the gym came back

Not many people said stuff after.  Which was ok. a few did.     But after sunday school and during break the fast a lot of people thanked me.  A lot of the new people.  So… who knows, nothing bad so it’s good right...yeah i think it is.  Felt way nervous and anxious after and even into the n* fireside.  But it was good.  I’m glad i did it.  I just have to maked sure i’m still going out there to get to know people, and not staying on the sideline because i’m afraid of what they are thinking.  No bad reactions.. even sat at a table with 5 new guys and made some hecka funny jokes. 

Wednesday, July 17, 2013

Thoughts on relationships from a long time single dude.

Been looking at love songs today, songs about deep, committed love where both sides give up, so they can meet in the middle. The type of love that endures, that heals, that lifts, that exalts.

I’m usually ok. I have good friends. Good brothers. Good support. But when I see this, deep commitment to another soul. I feel a hunger for it. A thirst. I want it. I know i'm missing something.

And then I think “well I’ll get that in heaven. God will give it to me there.”

And I think, "God I can make it if you’ll just let me know I can have that someday."

And I wait for an answer. The answer is, Maybe, if you work at it.

"What?" I think, "it’s not just a gift? I was thinking you’d just bestow it on me. Give it to me as a reward for faith and commitment."

“Maybe if you work at it.”

So who knows, it wasn’t a loud voice, it might have just been in my head, but a relationships isn’t a gift that is bestowed there is too much individuality in it. In both people, a relationship is something that grows through effort, it’s a plant that must be cultivated, not a crown that is merely worn.

So I hope to have it someday. If I work at it.

Saturday, July 13, 2013

Last night

Mystic mine, misty valley, manic miners,mangy mutt poo, 'mazing music, manly men, magic fire-sky, mallows mashed, munching meat tubes, merry eve, merry night, mighty brothers, massive love for. My needs met.

Monday, July 1, 2013

Kinda Fruity

Hey guys and gals,

Just wanted to write up some of the thoughts I've had lately. This week both my dad and a good friend spoke to me about their concerns when I spend time with North Star friends and going to Journey into Manhood,  firesides, groups etc.

Both times it kinda shook me. Was I making a mistake? Was I setting myself up for failure and danger. To "fall in love".

I was scared of taking the question to God. I didn't want him to tell me to stop, because I felt like I had been getting good support and I really enjoyed it too. Felt shame leaving, and was overcoming bad habits.

Three times when I was thinking about this the phrase "by their fruits ye shall know them". And I thought. What are the fruits? What have I seen.

And if I had to boil it down, I'd say the North Star fireside last night was a prime example of the fruits I've found from North Star friends and groups.

Good Spirit from the teachings and Song. Healing inspiration in many ways and then followed by great brotherhood with so many of you for hours after.

And of course last night was not an exception.

There are so many different ways to go about this. I think looking at the fruits that WE get out of the groups and activities.

Another thought is when Joseph smith was wondering if he should translate the Apocrypha The Lord said

4 Therefore, whoso readeth it, let him understand, for the Spirit manifesteth truth;
5 And whoso is enlightened by the Spirit shall obtain benefit therefrom;
6 And whoso receiveth not by the Spirit, cannot be benefited. Therefore it is not needful that it should be translated. Amen. (Doctrine and Covenants, Section 91)

Anyway. Just my thoughts. It has been interesting to go through this process to come to a different conclusion than my dad who I look up to as a spiritual man. But I think I do need to grow and make my own way.

Applicable scriptures below

Matthew 7
15 ¶Beware of false prophets, which come to you in sheep’s clothing, but inwardly they are ravening wolves.
16 Ye shall know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes of thorns, or figs of thistles?
17 Even so every good tree bringeth forth good fruit; but a corrupt tree bringeth forth evil fruit.
18 A good tree cannot bring forth evil fruit, neither can a corrupt tree bring forth good fruit.
19 Every tree that bringeth not forth good fruit is hewn down, and cast into the fire.
20 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them.

Galatians 5
19 Now the works of the flesh are manifest, which are these; Adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lasciviousness,
20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
21 Envyings, murders, drunkenness, revellings, and such like: of the which I tell you before, as I have also told you in time past, that they which do such things shall not inherit the kingdom of God.
22 But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, longsuffering, gentleness, goodness, faith,
23 Meekness, temperance: against such there is no law. (New Testament, Galatians, Chapter 5)

Thursday, June 13, 2013

It is finished

Five mountains climbed high in the bright stunning sky, as challenges to master and win,

First climb was euphoric, my body at the core it, was pumped and ready to run

second one not as easy, stomach a little queasy, what will happen, what monsters await

third one started smoothly, but fear made me woozy, was afraid twas a horrid mistake

Fourth one, was spontaneous, the climb extemporaneous, the fears slightly simmered but low

the firth was the scariest, the monsters the hairiest, the challenge i could not forgo.

quick prayer said to God, then out my foots trod, to face the shadow below

but the shadow was gone, when the summit i reached. instead i found loveness and clear

purpose in living in new meadows giving me comfort from darkness and fear

the shadow is gone now. And i hope that i know how to keep him at bay ever more

The worst of the climb was not crevice or vine, but the scared voice that said, "don't you go"

anyway, just got done telling my siblings. went well. really well. glad i did it, and glad i don't ever have to do that again

Wednesday, May 22, 2013

A few connected posts on family stuff

Written a few days ago

I'm losing my connection to my family
my parents and i have some strong disagreements on how i'm dealing with my sga.

The points aren't too important. i'm still committed to the gospel, i just want support groups and activities.

My parents don't want me to tell anyone, even my siblings. Mom things it "tear the family apart"  She called me after i sent her a copy of my last post.  not good. 

anyway. It kinda sucks. I still tell my parents i love them, but it seems like we are all dancing around this issue. I am not going back to the closet where i'm ruled by shame and hate. I've told many friends, and gotten good support. I still want to tell my siblings, but i'm not sure if i should respect the parents wishes.

Heck maybe they'll all despise their yewt brother. maybe the parents are right

Written last night

Well I told my parents that I felt that I really needed to tell my siblings. I laid out the reasons; like that I needed to real to tell the people most important to me what my problems were and why I wasn't getting married.

It went okay they still talked to great deal about the temple--which I agree with. I need to go to the temple. But I think that other things i needs to do as well to help me deal with this. And i still only got 20% of the talking in when i initiated the conversation.

Mom said how she had felt really negative when she read my letter. Dad told her she needs to be sure that her feelings were from God and not from herself. I was nice to have him stand up for me. That was the best part of it all.

In the end mom told me to not do anything too hasty. And I didn't agree to a long long drawn out fasting and prayer but I did agree to get a confirmation in the temple so that's what to do next week as soon as i get my recommend back and I feel good about that.

So once i get the confirmation or lack of a 'NO" i'll go forward with it.

Written now

Well, I'm  still a little frustrated, but we're on track.  Dad supported me.  Just gotta move forward.
But life is so hard sometimes.  I hope i can get over this shame inside of me, cause it really hurts.