Tuesday, October 29, 2013

Beneath Asylum Lane

My All Hallows Eve Offering
The Buildings themselves looked like ghosts.  A sickly green light, lit the two whitewashed buildings of the State Hospital for the Insane.  Abandoned for years, it was here i brought my dates.  It was here I'd tell them stories, it was here, they'd squeeze my arms, as tales of mental torture slithered from my lips.

Mad Doctors, inhuman therapy, possession rather than pathology, were the ingredients for my stories.  

Tonight my audience was one.  Myself.  My stage, not the steamed windows of my old ford pickup, but the grate found in between the buildings and whatever rested below.

I got to work using a car jack and a tire iron.  Leveraging the grate against itself.  I bent the iron, but gained admittance.  Now to see if there really was a network of tunnels under the old hospital. Where the most delicate work occurred.

I climbed down the rusted rungs, and easily jimmied the door.  Descended a flight of stairs.  There I was.  In a long tunnel, running farther than my light fell.  Water dripped, rats scurried, my breaths deepened.

First I entered what must have been an observation room.  Using my sleeve i wiped the grime off the one way mirror, to reveal a rusted chair, upholstery was either never there, or had been taken by some animal for it's nest.  Half moon clamps were on the arm rests and where ankles would have been.  A leather strap, with holes like a belt hung from the head rest.  

The room had chains along the walls, and a table with similar restraints.  I quickly left the observation room and entered the room proper.  I saw a mummy. No not the kind you'd find in a pyramid, but what appeared to be the remains of one of the former patients.  I gagged. His flesh was nearly eaten away by the smaller residents of this tomb.  He had on the remains of a jumpsuit, and the name Jones, over his right breast. "Well Jonesy, what brings you down here?” I told him my name, and stuck out my hand in a mock gesture. “Let's be friends.”

I swear I heard my name.  Not from the mummy, but from the hallway.  

I left my new friend in the floor where i found him and returned to the hallway.  A door shut farther down.  It was time to leave.  I returned to the stairs to get out, or at least where the stairs should have been, but there was nothing.  I searched in circles, wondering where they could have gone.  

The chains rattled in a yet unexplored room.  My head got dizzy.  I sat down.

The hallway got foggy.  Blurry.  I heard my name again, but just my last name.   I looked up and saw a strong man in all white grabbing me to my feet.  He and another equally strong man, drug me farther down the hallway, which was lit now.  The dripping was gone.  it was all blurry, i tried to speak, i tried to move, but i couldn't  We entered another room third man, in a long white coat ordered them to do something and i was strapped in a chair.  Non rusted.  Wrists, ankles and head were all restrained.

"what is your name"

I answered

"Why are you here?"

I just wanted to see what was down here?

The man in the long coat looked meaningfully at someone i couldn't see.

"are you sorry for what you've done"

yes, i'll leave

"you can't leave.  what if you hurt more people?"

i haven't hurt anyone, i swear.

"now we're back to this.  You must be sorry, we'll help you be sorry"

They all left, and a warm liquid started dripping on my hand.  A mild irritant at first, but as the minutes stretched on, it burned.  It rand down my hand, and dripped into a puddle on the floor.  within minutes my hand was on fire.  Hours the hand had been eaten away by whatever acid had been dripping there. I couldn't' see it, but i felt it was gone.  I felt the fingers fall off one by one, then the palm.

They returned.

"are you sorry?"

Yes, i pleaded.  I am so sorry, let me leave.

"Sorry for what?"

For whatever i did to deserve this.

"But what did you do?"

I came down here, i'm so sorry

"You didn't come down here.  We brought you here."

I was just exploring!

"I can see we have a lot to of work to do. Bring the drill."

The drill was brought, it slowly lowered down toward my nose.   

"Tell me why you're here.  I can save you."


"Tell me. This doesn't have to happen."


The drill was so close i could no longer focus on it.  I saw two drills approaching both noses.

"This is your last chance.  You can return to your family that's still alive.  Tell me why you're here"


The drilled hit the cartilage.  I blacked out.

It wasn't very hard for them to find me once the started looking.  My car was feet from the open grate. I came to strapped into the old metal chair.  In the same room as my buddy the corpse.  The cops wanted to know who came down with me, who had strapped me into the chair.  I didn't know.  I didn't tell them what i saw.

As they freed me from the chair, i glanced over at the dusty old mirror, in a flash i saw the room, clean, brightly lit, and a man wearing a jumpsuit with the name Jones, written above the left breast, strapped in the chair, with a drill slowly inching toward his face.

Friday, October 11, 2013

Climbing out of Hell

Depression.  It's real.  It sucks.  I've been struggling with it the last while.  Probably since the end of August.

It got pretty bad.  Drove me to start counseling again.  WHich is good.  But this last week, I've seen nudges that have helped me slowly climb out of this shadowland, where i'm surrounded by a voice of hate that seeks to bind me.

I just wanted to share them.  I know they may not mean as much to you.  But Bit by Bit these things helped me.

It started last Saturday in General Conference.  Elder Holland gave a great talk about depression.  He mentioned that if we are sick in the body we don't just think righteous living will fix it, and it shoudl be the same with the mind.  WE can have blessings, and medicine, and counseling to help us. 

It helped, but it was really a precursor to other events.

I recognized that reading a book, can help me with my depression.  So i started reading a book called Beyonders.  Nothing Spectacular, but i had stopped reading it for about 6 months.  And when i picked it up, certain passages seemed to be just what i needed to hear right now.--Actually writing this I see it was October 1st is.  It talked about how we need to see the entire choice we are making.  Instead of pretending that there is NOTHING good that could come from living a gay life. Look at see, what i would gain, and what i would lose, alsot to see what i would gain and what i would lose from living a celibate or mixed orientation marriage lifestyle. That was good, it helps to see reality and what I am giving up.

Anyway, as i reflect i see there has been help from God for the last several weeks.

Tuesday, the thinker won a contest for a powerful essay.  His essay was about struggle, and overcoming.  It was powerful.  He didn't actually win, but placed.  He just won in my head.

Thursday I planned on attending a play called Suessical a good friend called...Slayer was in.  I only expected it to be a fun play that i could take my niece and nephew to for a fun time. 

This good friend, messaged me before the show about how one of the songs had a special meaning for him, when he was going through a hard time.  it was

The message that we can feel alone in the universe.  But if we find just one true friend, it's ok...And my friend added that that friend was Christ.  He can be our one true friend in the universe.  Seeing this play was really the time i gained an upward momentum out of depression. 

Later i got to see another friend, the Trout,  He talked with me, and things were good.  He talkeda bout depression and how i deal with it.  So good to have a good friend.  Later we joined with Knees and Rex,and played some Mario Kart, and had pie and Nachos. 

This morning was feeling better, the voice was gone, but down.  I saw a powerful message of hope from the Voices of Hope project.  

And so now, i'm just feeling good.  The dark voice is silence.  and while i have rough times still, i am feeling better. Sure it's not forever.  and I'm sure i will still have rough times.  But it's been good.  For the first time in a long time I am feeling better.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about some of the powerful things i have seen this week, that seemed to be just for me.   Thanks to God and all my friends, who have helped me find light recently.

It means so much to be happier, to be out of the shame valley.   I'm glad.  Thanks be to God, and the world.

Thursday, October 10, 2013


Do we ever find joy?

The kind of lasting joy with permanence

Do we ever find joy?

The kinds that does not fade away

Are we relegated to slowly move from happy hill to happy hill,

With hundreds of miles of dark valley on the way

Do we ever find peace?

The kind that stays with us the night

Do we ever find Love?

The kind that lasts eternally

Do we ever find one, who loves us like no other

And does that one ever not be so gay

Do we ever find out?

What the purpose of this is

Do we ever stop hating

The drive within our sould

Do we ever not feel, like some outcast bastard son?

Will we ever find wholeness and love

Will the urges I feel?

Ever be pure and holy

Will the voices in my head?

Ever say something nice.

Will I ever be free, To climb up to my glory

Or am I doomed to be shackled for the rest of my life?

Will I ever love God, more than I do my urges

Will I ever know why, he let me be this way

Will I ever stop running, away from being happy

Will I ever even stop, and know the way

Will I ever not fear, the end of my story?

Will I ever be strong enough to pass through the day

Without doubts of myself, and doubts of His Glory

Will His Love ever stay, and keep dark away

When I Lie on my bed, after a life of ages

Will I be all alone, as I pass away

Will my family be dreams, just a made up story

Will I have what I need, to make it to that day

Does God really care, about people like me

Does God have a plan, that makes sense of pain

Does God really know, when im doing poorly

Does he love me enough, to show me the way.

I guess that he has, and he sent a Savior

Who bought my soul, with blood dropped pain

As he carried the cross, he carried my glory

If I make it through, to that judgment day.

Or so they say.

Wednesday, October 9, 2013

Ups and Downs

Been having some down times lately.  Some really down times.   and my ups are just times i'm not down.

But I'm working on it.  Starting counseling again.   I'll get outta this.