Friday, October 11, 2013

Climbing out of Hell

Depression.  It's real.  It sucks.  I've been struggling with it the last while.  Probably since the end of August.

It got pretty bad.  Drove me to start counseling again.  WHich is good.  But this last week, I've seen nudges that have helped me slowly climb out of this shadowland, where i'm surrounded by a voice of hate that seeks to bind me.

I just wanted to share them.  I know they may not mean as much to you.  But Bit by Bit these things helped me.

It started last Saturday in General Conference.  Elder Holland gave a great talk about depression.  He mentioned that if we are sick in the body we don't just think righteous living will fix it, and it shoudl be the same with the mind.  WE can have blessings, and medicine, and counseling to help us. 

It helped, but it was really a precursor to other events.

I recognized that reading a book, can help me with my depression.  So i started reading a book called Beyonders.  Nothing Spectacular, but i had stopped reading it for about 6 months.  And when i picked it up, certain passages seemed to be just what i needed to hear right now.--Actually writing this I see it was October 1st is.  It talked about how we need to see the entire choice we are making.  Instead of pretending that there is NOTHING good that could come from living a gay life. Look at see, what i would gain, and what i would lose, alsot to see what i would gain and what i would lose from living a celibate or mixed orientation marriage lifestyle. That was good, it helps to see reality and what I am giving up.

Anyway, as i reflect i see there has been help from God for the last several weeks.

Tuesday, the thinker won a contest for a powerful essay.  His essay was about struggle, and overcoming.  It was powerful.  He didn't actually win, but placed.  He just won in my head.

Thursday I planned on attending a play called Suessical a good friend called...Slayer was in.  I only expected it to be a fun play that i could take my niece and nephew to for a fun time. 

This good friend, messaged me before the show about how one of the songs had a special meaning for him, when he was going through a hard time.  it was

The message that we can feel alone in the universe.  But if we find just one true friend, it's ok...And my friend added that that friend was Christ.  He can be our one true friend in the universe.  Seeing this play was really the time i gained an upward momentum out of depression. 

Later i got to see another friend, the Trout,  He talked with me, and things were good.  He talkeda bout depression and how i deal with it.  So good to have a good friend.  Later we joined with Knees and Rex,and played some Mario Kart, and had pie and Nachos. 

This morning was feeling better, the voice was gone, but down.  I saw a powerful message of hope from the Voices of Hope project.  

And so now, i'm just feeling good.  The dark voice is silence.  and while i have rough times still, i am feeling better. Sure it's not forever.  and I'm sure i will still have rough times.  But it's been good.  For the first time in a long time I am feeling better.

Anyway, I just wanted to write about some of the powerful things i have seen this week, that seemed to be just for me.   Thanks to God and all my friends, who have helped me find light recently.

It means so much to be happier, to be out of the shame valley.   I'm glad.  Thanks be to God, and the world.

No comments:

Post a Comment