Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Looking Back

So at work i found an old suicide note my email had saved a draft of. It was from May of last year. Really brought me back to last year, a time when i was lonely, depressed, and unsure if I would make it. I had been searching for any path that led to happiness. Trying different groups of people, straining for anything to find relief.

When i wrote this i wasn't sure i'd make it out of the funk i was in.  I didn't have an immediate plan, but i had a gun, so it didn't take much planning. 

Here it is

Whatever happens, it is my fault, my responsibility, not yours I'm so sorry. I am not ignorant of the pain this has caused you, and will probably cause you forever. And so i'm sorry. Please know, taht there is nothing you could have done. The inner turmoil i feel, really isn't resolvable. I don't claim that this is what God wants. He would want me to live. But i fail, at this and everything else. please know that no longer will i lie in bed shaking with self hatred. no more will the pressure of an uncertain future face me. I know my future know. I am so sorry. I love each and everyone of you. That is what has kept me alive for this long. I wish i could just dissappear so you would not have to deal with this.
I don't feel worthy to give advice, as one who has failed his trials on earth. But know i love you. So much, and if somehow God will permit me to see how your lives grow, i will watch, and find joy, in your lifes.
Your brother, son friend, and uncle.

So the last few months i have been going through a very similar depression.  It's been dark, painful, heavy, but i haven't let it be isolating.  

Last memorial day, i went to Journey into Manhood.  And while it is not a perfect program, it was a pivot point for me in my life.  I was on an emotional high for 4 weeks after, but i also learned to connect with people better.  I made great friends and from those friends i've made even more.  

Which brings me to the point of this post...

My now former therapist talked to me about not associating with other gay mormons.  He is not a fan of NorthStar,  or anything else.  I was in a funk wondering if maybe he and my parents were right.  That all these connections made me feel worse, focus too much on my SSA and were in general bad for me.

I was wondering if i needed to go back to not talking about it.  to not associating with others who deal ith it.  Wondering if that would make me happy.

Before i went to my most recent visit with him, i prayed to God to show if this path was good or not.  That night, i had the chance to come out to someone from my home town and give and get support.  I posted links to several coming out posts that helped people.  It was good enough for me to see the benefit of having a community of saints who know what i'm going through and can support me.

Tonight, with depression about as bad as it's been, i couldn't find anyone to hang out with.  I prayed to God to send someone.  A good friend, called, we had cookies and talked about stuff.  I am so grateful for it.  For him.

I guess the point of it all, is I still have crappy depression to deal with.  I still have hard times, but It is my associations with others that gives me strength and the will to move on.  Last May i didn't have people to lean on.  Now i do, and that makes the purgatory of depression, passable.  Thank you God.  Thank you Friends


  1. Good! I'm glad that you have good friends around you. What a dark time, indeed.

    I'm confused by your therapist: how can not talking about your same sex attraction and just ignoring everything about that possibly be good for you? You seem to see that, too, but it makes me worry a bit about what other kinds of unhealthy messages he may be conveying to you that you may not even fully realize (and I'm not criticizing the choices you're making--I am happy you are resolved to find your happiness in your way and encourage you!).

  2. I can only see isolating yourself as a negative. Isn't a purpose of the daily LDS connection (Home teachers, mutual, church, callings, etc.) because being around those who are like you brings strength?

    I am glad you are still here, even though I do not know you. Stay strong friend!

  3. Agreed, glad you are still around. And also agreed your therapist was just plainly wrong, educated on the matter or not. I do agree with him on not being a fan of North Star though.... They have some theory flaws. Especially A journey to Manhood, I mean the name of it just to begin with!

    Having a system of support and friends in same situations help anyone and everyone with anything.

    Good luck with everything!

  4. You may be depressed, in part, because you are constantly having to attempt to internalize the message that you shouldn't be in a same sex relationship. Unfortunately, you can't prove this unless you, well, allow yourself to be in a same sex relationship. I'm not talking about what you consciously think (i.e. being in a same sex relationship is against God's will) but what is going on for you at a much deeper, sub-conscious level. That is a huge part of the reason why the message that being in a gay relationship is inherently wrong - that stuff gets into your sub-conscious. Before dismissing this out of hand, please at least give it a little thought.