Friday, December 5, 2014

I hate my brain

I wish my brain worked.

What would it be like to have a functioning brain.

Last night I had put together a friend outing to Buffalo Wild Wings.   We gathered  talked.  Had fun catching up.

But after we’d ordered food.  I got nervous.  Decided I was gonna step away from the table for a bit.  

Ended up walking out of the restaurant. Being anxious around the corner for a while.  Thinking I’d go back in.  But I didn’t.  I couldn’t get myself to go back in.  So I texted a friend that I’d pay him back for the food, and left.  I had friends text me.  I deflected their attempts to help me. 

Now I was mad at myself for leaving an event I planned and had looked forward to all weak.   I yelled, hit myself, and had small flashes of desire to wreck my car.

I finally got a little less insane, and was embarrassed that I’d just left the group.  Sat in my car, trying to get comfortable enough to go back in, then I figured it was too long anyway.  Found a Cool diner called the One Man Band to eat at.  You order your food via phone from your table.   Then I went home.

I hate myself,  I hate the way my brain works.   I hate being broken.