Friday, December 5, 2014

I hate my brain

I wish my brain worked.

What would it be like to have a functioning brain.

Last night I had put together a friend outing to Buffalo Wild Wings.   We gathered  talked.  Had fun catching up.

But after we’d ordered food.  I got nervous.  Decided I was gonna step away from the table for a bit.  

Ended up walking out of the restaurant. Being anxious around the corner for a while.  Thinking I’d go back in.  But I didn’t.  I couldn’t get myself to go back in.  So I texted a friend that I’d pay him back for the food, and left.  I had friends text me.  I deflected their attempts to help me. 

Now I was mad at myself for leaving an event I planned and had looked forward to all weak.   I yelled, hit myself, and had small flashes of desire to wreck my car.

I finally got a little less insane, and was embarrassed that I’d just left the group.  Sat in my car, trying to get comfortable enough to go back in, then I figured it was too long anyway.  Found a Cool diner called the One Man Band to eat at.  You order your food via phone from your table.   Then I went home.

I hate myself,  I hate the way my brain works.   I hate being broken.


  1. Very few people on this planet don't do something a little out-of-the ordinary from time-to-time. Sounds like you had a good friend in place to cover the bill. And by writing about it you can claim that you've purged your soul. Hope you'll make that claim.

  2. Very few people on this planet escape a bout with intense anxiety from time-to-time. Glad you wrote about it. Now you can claim you've purged your soul. Hope you'll make that claim.

  3. Your brain works just fine. It's your MIND that's the problem (and don't beat yourself up about it, we all have that same problem). ;-)