Wednesday, August 3, 2016

Str8 Fri3nds

His eyes light up in the comic book store.  “Come here Give me a hug.”  My friend, comic book guy, is pretty legit.   I go to read comics and buy them, but also saying hi to him is a cool side benefit.

Some days he wants to hug me.  Some days he doesn’t. 

He always initiates.  He is straight after all.   I have allowed all my straight relationships form with them taking the lead on stuff like that.   They know I’m gay.   I worry I’ll be “too gay” if I go in for a hug.  I worry their wives will freak out.  Yeah, I know I have issues.

I hate how I feel like I can’t trust myself with friends.   Not in a “gonna kiss them all night while they protest” type way.  But how I can’t trust myself to not go full on crush on them.   I hate how it flavors all my straight friendships.   I don’t blame them.  If anyone is to blame it’s me for worrying about it so much.

It’s like, I want more closeness in it then they do.  So I always just take what they can give.  Always watching, always being careful to not freak them, or their wives out.

And I do have good friendships.  But my damn gayness leaves me unfulfilled.   

1 comment:

  1. Yeah, interesting! I was thinking to myself a few days ago about how I've only made a handful of straight friends over the past few years, but a lot of gay friends. I realized it was because all but a few of the straight guys are afraid of getting to close. To me? To men in general? I don't know. The gay guys are so much easier and more straightforward. One friend, a few weeks after we started hanging out, asked "hey, can we be like real friends?" And just like that, we were hanging out without making plans, playing games, watching TV - just casual things. And he gives really good hugs. I dunno, I want to have straight friends, but it hardly seems worth the hassle.