Wednesday, November 30, 2016

Hoops for Jumping

You taught me how to shoot hoops since I was two

Love the game it’s just what our people  do

Early morning in that cold church wood floor court

Ball bounces the words we spoke

Wasn’t the best, but I made the team

8th grade, locker room full of steam

Why do I look at my friends that way

Quick look down, who knows what they’ll say

I learned all the loves from the family

To drive and dish and be so manly

But the details started emerging

What’s this feeling? What’s this yearning

His name was clark and he had a dark tanned back

Smile so sweet, and not an ounce of fat

When I defended him it was so very nice

Locker room sweat was my favorite spice.

What kind of freak am I with this feeling

What are these creepy glances that I’m stealing

If I would just make out with that chick named Kelly

The the flow’r would grow inside my belly

How couldn’t I see what I was inside

How did my young mind know what to hide

How was I ignorant of what I was

Staring in class at his awesome buzz

High school came, lettered in Football Hoops and track

Pres of the school, was joe cool, that’s a fact

After I graduated came the fall

When I realized the meaning of it all.

So I just like guys, like they like girls

Seems so nasty, breaks all the rules

But it fits right into my story

At least I found out before I’m forty

Years later I’m still full of the self hate

Decades and I still haven’t done a date

Is it training or some holy call

That keeps me standing counting stalls

I don’t know what to do, or where to turn to

Dad taught me all the rules but I burn to

Have a friend, a pal, and prime confidant

The memories still at night haunt.

Have I thrown enough days away

Are there games still to learn to play

Ladders to run on an cold gym floor

Workout with music until I’m sore.

This is halftime.   I don’t know where I’ll

End up next quarter, it may be foul

What game is this that I’ve been playing

Which coach to listen to what they’re saying

This is half time I don’t know where I’ll

End up next quarter, it may be foul

Which game is it that I’ve been playing

What coach should I listen to what they’re saying

Thursday, November 10, 2016

Four Corners

Four corners enclose the world. A swath of wood grain is the ground.
Here i die, but am safe. Here i steal, but am innocent. Here i lie, but my honor remains.
I seek your destruction, but remain your friend.
Outside these corners is different. The rule book vague. Do i make eye contact as they pass?
Do i say Hello to the one my heart latches to? Am i too eager? Am i not committed? Outside
the corners judgment is longer than a day and half the time rendered with secret verdict, of laws
I suppose it's an adventure. But you begin to write your own rules, the ones that seem to make
sense, then they are broken, by someone who hadn't read them. No book to appeal to.
Outside the corners is dangerous.
But here i am. Tuesday night, and the corners protect once again.
I own the world. I made you laugh. I made a poor trade.
But I always know what i should be doing. And failure is never final.
I know the four corners will only last so long. Someday the population will be 1. But here i am
safe. Here i am loved. Here my purpose is clear.
His name was Logan. We met. I didn't know what to do. We were outside the corners. Dice
rolls are much more dangerous here. Suddenly, i had a goal . To make him my best friend.
In the corners you throw all your resources into accomplishing your goal. Outside, you cannot.
But i did. At first it was fine. The rules in his book seemed to go along with mine. But i was
ignoring mine.
Guidance after guidance i disregarded. I did not want to worry about the resources poured into
this. I did not want to worry about what else i was letting lay fallow.
My goal was him.
I didn't catch him. He was uncatchable. Our winning conditions did not align. My winning
condition was impossible.
He had a girl in his sights.
Well, maybe, he will be ok with my odd winning conditions.
I lost. He left. 6 months of silence.
Then we chatted again. A new rules book was written. He had my heart, but i would proscribe
outer actions of love.
I would follow the rules, silently agreed upon.
And the friendship is good.
Sometimes i think of the pain i had when he left.
Sometimes i think of the pain of not knowing my winning condition.
Sometimes i think of the solace i find in those four corners. Where for a moment purpose
becomes clear. Where for a moment, i don't have to wonder what book to follow. where i am